As the surveys continue to trickle in, we continue to be oh-so amused by your responses, sometimes to the point of actually laughing out loud. Aaron Palm in particular charmed us with his ready wit and willingness to bitch about his dead-end job, so we’ve reproduced a little more of his survey than was strictly kosher. Whatever, dudes, we’re America! We take up as much space as we want, y’all!
The first part of our survey bonanza can be found here. New surveys, including two presidential candidates and a man with four names, after the jump.
Name: Pak Ho Maximillian Leung (or Pak Maximillian Ho Leung—candidate was unclear)
Nickname: Premium VIP
Job This Year: Premium VIP
Best Body Feature: I have smooth skin
Best Thing He Said: [What is the most important issue facing you?] Crappy SUB food. [If you win, how will you address this?] REVAMP THE MENUS REPLACE THE COOKS [If you lose, how will you address this?] Go to the village.
Actual Best Thing He Said: [Rainbows or unicorns?] I like corn
Name: Natalie Amelia Swift
Nickname: Lately I’ve been given names describing certain Natalie-behaviours such as: Natter Chatter and Natter Scatter.
Future Dream Job: I’m not 100% sure. There are a number of areas I’m interested in including: forest valuation, conservation economics, international resource policy, rights and resources. But really, any job that allows me to geek it up in the forest will make me incredibly happy (me, botany and taxonomy are BFFs)
Weirdest Pet Peeve: Wrinkly, pruney hands from being in water too long. Ew.
Best Thing She Said: I intend on gathering a group of committed students to put serious effort into developing a proposal for an alternative governance structure. I would let the university know this is occurring, however the ultimate forum for presentation of the alternative will likely be the provincial government. Obviously, I’ll have to sort the details out once in office.
Actual Best Thing She Said: [What country would you be?] Narnia. There are unicorns in Narnia.
(Editor’s note: we gave this answer extra points because, unlike most respondents, she didn’t say Canada. God, you people are self-centered.)
Name: Rodrigo Ferrari-Nunes
Nickname: Depends on who is talking to me.
Idol: Marcus Tullius Cicero <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cicero> (political); Catullus (actual)
Country You Would Be: Sealand. Because it exists.
Best Thing He Said: [Tweet-length platform] To negotiate better with the university for development we all approve! Childcare, green spaces, funding, and research on student aspirations and concerns.
Actual Best Thing He Said: [Favourite position?] Golden Rooster Stands Erect
Name: Aaron Zachery Palm
Nickname: Palm, AP, A-Palm? I don’t really have a nickname I particularity like since they’re all just variations involving my surname.
Job This Year: Serving coffee to assholes (aka my fellow students) (Editor’s note: A-fucking-men, Aaron Palm.)
Favorite Position: Missionary only, the way Jesus intended.
I would describe myself as: Liable to set Knolls on fire, bitter with the world, and wanted dead by Jimmy Carter.
My ideal mate would be: on fire, likes whiskey, and is obscenely wealthy.
Best Body Feature: my bum because Mike Duncan said so.
When I Want to Feel Sexy I Put On: my chastity ring.
Wearing Right Now: My cowboy hat and power tie. Nothing else.
Best Relationship Advice I Ever Got: was from my mother: girls are evil.
Favorite Board Game: Catan, although it always reminds me of the smell of the exec office in MASS … eww.
Favorite Beverage: a Manhattan made with American rye (impossible to find in Canada)
Biggest Fear: I’ve been having a lot of dreams about the apocalypse lately. I’m worried that they will come true before I have a change to buy a shotgun.
Gives Me Confidence: Bourbon. Of course.
Animal He’d Be: A honey badger. Youtube “honey badger attacks”. Wiki says “pound for pound the honey badger is the world’s most fearsome land mammal” whoo color change!
Country He’d Be: USA! USA! USA!
(Editor’s note: Out of respect for Palm and the greatest country on earth, we’ll be using American spelling in this survey.)
Favorite Python Member: Palin
Best Thing He Said (About His Platform): This prompt is best answered by describing what my average day would look like: I will spend at least 2 hours a day just sitting in my office chair and fellating my ego. After that’s done, I’ll grab my saber and go out looking for excess spending to slash. After I’m done with that, I’ll grab my Social Cue Stick and beat at least 5 socially awkward kids over the heard (you know that dude who asks 12 questions per lecture? Yeah he’s going down) Then I’ll go visit my VP Finance and figure out how to embezzle even more money to spend on my coke for my harem. Then I’ll go to my opium lounge (converted from the now defunct Resource Group rooms) followed by an orgy with my Coke Harem.
Best Thing He Said: “Don’t touch my sarcasm,” OR “I am a massive nerdhack.”
Unicorns or Rainbows?: Unicorns! You can’t bbq a rainbow!
Name: Stanislav Evgenievich Pavlov
Favourite Position: VP External (we can talk about the other ones later)
Best Body Feature: My abs, because there is a six-pack of them.
Biggest Fear: Wasps.
Best Thing He Said: I have met with the Vice President External of UBC (Stephen Owen) and discussed how we can leverage the importance of UBC to Translink in order to keep the price of the U-Pass low. Leveraging out negotiating power is key.
Actual Best Thing He Said: [Q: What animal would you be?] Panther—quick, flexible, what’s not to like?
Name: John Campbell Moses MacLean IV (SRL)
Favorite Board Game: Star Wars Monopoly
When I want to feel sexy, I put on: A suit, definitely a suit.
Best Thing He Said: [Q: What one issue do you think most deserves your focus?] Awareness.
Actual Best Thing He Said: [What are you wearing right now?] Slim-fit chinos, a button down with small vertical light purple and white stripes and a cashmere cardigan—all from J. Crew.