Category Archives: lulz

The 2011 Sparkle Surveys: Part 1

For all other blogs, today’s endorsement day. For us, it’s make up your own damn mind day, otherwise known as our rad video endorsements ran out of batteries. we’re workin’ on it. In the meantime, sweet readers, set the lights to low and imagine we’re whispering in your ear.

‘Cause baby, let’s not deny this thing between us: You’re Kurt Hummel, and I’m that Blaine hottie from the super-tolerant boys’ school, and it’s cold outside. Join me for a heartwarming duet, and let’s snuggle up to these fiery candidates as we bring back, smoother than late-night jazz, the first of our Classic Confidential Surveys.


Highlights from this edition: MOTHERFUCKING SEAN HEISLER brings it (again), Justin Yang tells us how he really feel about Issues That Matter, Arash Ehteshami really wants your love, and two (2) candidates open up about their Gossip Girl-themed nicknames. Plus, a kitty! Who says we never bring the real news?

Continue reading

Bijan Haz Talent

Oh, readers. Taylor here, a year older now, hungover, and literally coming off the most sparkly weekend of my life. To nurse my headache, I can’t stop watching Bijan and Toope’s duet from UBC’s Got Talent.

I had the pleasure of celebrating the fruit of my parents loins (myself) by attending the fruit of Bijan’s loins (UBC’s Got Talent) at the Chan Centre where we consumed copious amounts of alcohol, danced in the aisles, and left at intermission. UBC’s Got Talent was horrible, from what I remember at least. Despite being “sold out” there was a lot of vacant seats, and the talent was quite awful.

However, Bijan sang with Toope. And oh my god, it was AMAZING. Now Bijan, we’re not taking back every bad thing we’ve ever said about you, but you are fucking awesome in this video. Tipsy, maybe, but still awesome. Our friend sitting beside us says that his shirt looks like someone jizzed all over it before he went onstage, but whatever. Watch and enjoy, especially the tender hug at the end.

YouTube Preview Image

Your Complete Guide to The AMS

new to ubc? here’s what you missed…


The AMS stands for your Alma Mater Society. The name doesn’t make sense, but it was formed to be your student society; you pay them fees and in return they keep the university from doing whatever it wants. Plus, parties and stuff!


MIKE used to be Alma Mater Society President and he poledanced a lot

there’s like a million of these on facebook.

but then he turned things over to BLAKE

guido guido guido (photo c/o gerald deo)

go o~on….

Continue reading

This Is Very Peculiar.

Shinerama is one of those things you hear about all the time but don’t actually know what it is. There are currently no events listed on their website, but stay tuned. A while ago we tweeted about how if your team wins their little contest Shinerama, not only do you get a TROPHY but you also get a FREE PIZZA PARTY! University students, as we always say, are essentially the same as second graders.

Anyway, behold the wonderful powers-that-be over in the President’s office while they try to explain what, exactly, Shinerama does. Is? Oh, man, we sat through like three meetings about this…

And Now: our skilled scientific analysis.

this is a very peculiar photo.

Who are those sexy hunks of sex appeal? these mysterious morph suit men? The Confidential Investigative team reports.

We’d recognize those chiseled abs on Blue Steel any day. Combined with his head size shape, Blue Steel is definitely Ben “The Sitaution” Cappellacci, one of UBC’s most eligible bachelors (NB: We said it first, Kate and Darrell). Which means our taller, oranger, chuckling friend could only be… El Rico Suave, Elin Tayyar? Way to expand those portfolios, boys.

Also going on our totally eligible & totally copyrighted list: Shinerama Hottie (Nicole? um, we totally missed her perky, charitable name in all the excitement). In this screenshot, she’s totally captivated by the morph men…one of whom seems a little, er, excited.

it happens to everyone at one time or other...

sell that cause, sweetheart. sell it reeeaaalll subtle.

Let the memes begin! There’s already a YTMND (yeah, seriously).

HST & AMS: Food Matters

Hope you all had a fantastic Canada Day, and for our dear American friends, a festive Fourth of July as well. Something else happened on Canada Day, which is a little something we like to call the Hella Sexy Tax, or HST. Since this now applies to some things that it didn’t before, such as food, some prices rose. However, because the AMS is broke as hell and now paying their employees minimum wage, they increased prices above the HST. This makes sense in most cases, where they simply rounded the price up.

Big Insider Daddy himself, Neal Yonson, decided to deem this an Issue That Only Sorta Matters and contribute to Sparkles R Us.


Even though the HST is actually 3% lower than the current tax on alcohol, prices are still going up ~7.5% at the Pit, Pendulum and Gallery. The cheapest regular-priced pitcher will run you $14.50. Thank god for Tuesdays at the Gallery…oh, Gallery, we miss you. Amazingly, this means the cheapest pitcher on campus will still be at Mahoney’s—you know, the bar not run by students. Why is Hatchet Lager so cheap? Can we buy super cheap kegs of it for parties? Why won’t Molson return any of Neal’s dozen emails on the subject?

Blue Chip Cookies

The price of coffee is going up about 10% on brewed coffee and 4% on barista drinks. If you don’t already bring your own mug, this is the perfect time to start. You’ll save 25 cents every single time, and they have a buy-10-get-1-free stamp card. Suggestion to the AMS: print the cards on pink next year, and make the stamp design a unicorn. The increased business will take care of the structural deficit in no time.

Blue Chip is the black sheep of AMS businesses because the listed prices don’t include tax. This results in things costing weird amounts that don’t necessarily end in 5 or 0. Which means pennies. And anyone who has ever handled cash will agree: pennies are the DEVIL.

Honour Roll

Having watched people move through the Honour Roll line, no one actually looks at any of the prices. Reporting that prices are going up 3.5% seems pointless. Telling you that Ben Cappellacci broke it down with VP Students himself, @bowtiebrian, seems much more important.

no photoshop required.

Pi R Squared, or The Pizza Place That’s Still Open When I’m Drunk

Apparently people got really up in arms when the price of a slice of pizza went up from $2.50 to $2.75. Now it’s time to get militant.

GG’s rant: So, you want me to pay $3 a slice now? Is that how we’re going to play this game? This is complete bullshit, and imma lay it all out for ya, yo.

5 years ago, I used to eat Pie R every freaking day. I couldn’t get enough of the stuff. A little while after that, I worked there, and saw the conditions the pizza was made in, and the cleanliness and working habits of the staff, and I still ate there. But the past year or two, you’ve disappointed me. Your bacon baked potato pizza? Still quite yummy, but not as good as years past. Why not? It’s all in the crust.

In the days of yonder, Pie R crust used to be hand rolled, with a nice spiral edge. Sometimes, it would come out as a giant monstrosity that would consume half the slice. Other times, it would be a crunchy delight. Now it’s just a machine that creates a unified, boring crust. If I wanted boring shit like that, I’d head next door to Pizza Pizza. From Pie R, I want pizza with character. You put ridiculous toppings on your pizza, and the crust should match.

$3 a slice?  Maybe. Just step up your game, and I might switch back to eating your pies regularly. For now, it’s the Pendulum for me, because Kai heats up a friggin’ ahma~azzzing italian sausage lasagna. [Ed. note: I also assemble a mean sandwich.]

not only is this a fucking gif of a pendulum, its has a picture of FOUCAULT.

Pendulum is the best place to eat on campus. Period. Yes, we’re fucking biased—Kai works there [Ed. note: which does not necessarily mean I have positive reviews], Taylor eats there 5x a week, and Gossip Guy gets drunk there. However, despite their kickass tuna sandwiches, they only made something along the lines of ~$2000 profit last year. For the ENTIRE YEAR. Since the AMS is made up of blood-thirsty, greedy, proletariat-crushing capitalists (though the Pendulum itself is actually composed mostly of hippies—real hippies, not student activists), prices are going up, on average, 8%. Profits must be had! That quesadilla is too affordable!

On a more realistic note, a half-and-half combo from the deli case or a T-Bird Breakfast Awesomeness, which most of you cheap bastards were getting anyway, has only increased in price by 50 cents. Cheapest items on the menu = still affordable. CASE CLOSED.

Other AMS Food Outlets

Bernoulli’s Bagels – 4% increase. BRING BACK THE APPLE CINNAMON CREAM CHEESE! And while you’re at it, could we get a vegan spread that doesn’t taste like warmed-over ass?

Burger Bar – 4.5% increase. AMS employees should stop bitching at Nancy (the Food & Beverages Mgr) about the lack of “healthier” choices when they spend all their meal vouchers at the Burger Bar. We have no idea how Elin Tayyar is so slim while eating there every day. (Bath of virgin blood?)

Outdoor BBQ – 5% increase. Just continuing the trend of charging more than the Burger Bar for the same burgers. But smokier, and they don’t give you weird looks when you ask for, let us say, double bacon, double cheese, double patty…

The Moon – 4% increase. Has anyone ever successfully eaten a complete Combo C in one sitting? [Ed. note: I didn’t even know this existed.] On a more relevant note, if the Moon doesn’t use MSG, why are there bags of it available in AMS Stores?!?

To combat the Hella Sexy Tax, you’ll be getting a HST rebate cheque, like your GST rebate cheques. However, the AMS is also issuing coupons for all the AMS food outlets in this year’s edition of the AMS Insider. So when they inevitably have boxes and boxes of them leftover, you can harvest them for extra coupons. Scavenging!

Dress-up time with Bijan

edit: of course the freaking Insiders post something about this on the same night I’m posting something. Arghhhhh. I have to go call the waaaaaambulance for myself.

Nestled deeply within the AMS Executive Committee meeting minutes of April 28 lies this gem:

Executive Wardrobes
• Bijan: Executives often have to attend external meetings and it’s important for them to look good. Perhaps there can be money set aside from the Lobbying Fund for buying clothes for the Executive.
• General feeling was that this was not necessary; people can buy their own clothes.

It’s actually at the top of page 3 of 4, so it’s not really nestled. The rumor of this has been floating around for ages, but GG had to wait until the official minutes came out, because he only reports on official news (the waits almost a week to actually post something).

C’mon Bijan… you got your fancy pink $5000 office, which didn’t even include the cost of paint, and now you’re asking for  a clothing budget? That just won’t fly.

But… what if it did? Hmm…

That plunging neckline… the high slit up the legs. Daring, and oh so hawt.

hawtest shit this side of Milan

A contemporary look inspired by one of the greats from the past.

the "mike duncan"

The only way to describe this is… Fisherman Gaga.

look at the Alexander McQueen shoes. fucking look at 'em. they cost as much as his new office!

King of the jungle, king of the AMS. Only fitting we end with this…

pedobear approves. S&M horse and scat rat do not

and hell… let’s just throw in this video for fun. Go watch Bijan dance now. XOXO…

Mascot Madness: Revenge of the $ith

Did you know that the day of the Deepwater Horizon explosion, there were BP executives onboard? They’d been flown out to celebrate 70 years of safety on the rig.

We can only imagine, as we head into this, the third part of our CUS Mascot breakdown [Ed. note: breakdown is suuuuper apt], that the mood in the CUS boardroom must be… oh, no, that’s in such poor taste.

More jokes that will hurt your feelings, after the jump.

Continue reading

Mascot Madness: The Quickening

In Part One of our Mascot Madness series, we—

that is to say, KAI & TAYLOR of Confidential, TREVOR (Features) and JUSTIN (Coordinating) of the Ubyssey, and NEAL of Insiders—

laid out the CUS’s nefarious plan to make their faculty seem cute and cuddly by designing a new mascot. Naturally, we had some things to say about the submitted designs: namely, that they’re all unrepentant, derivative hogwash. SERIOUSLY YOU TRACED A DISNEY LLAMA WTF

After the jump, we’ll be taking on six more submissions—three of which are men in  suits! Way to buck the trend, guys.

Continue reading

Mascot Madness

Oh. Dear. God.

Sauder, according to its own press, has “reached a point where we take ourselves way too seriously. We’re students! In university!!”  So what have these unheard-of levels of self-awareness prompted—a mandatory soul-searching elective? New courses on ethical business practices? Zen meditation?

Hmm, no. Doesn’t sound like the faculty. How about a $6000 mascot competition? Sauder students have pitted their own semi-artistic overachievers against one another, voting on submitted designs. The winning design will actually get made, and presumably some kid with hidden art skills will achieve the two holy grails of Commerce: winning, and cash money.

Hence our first feature was born, Mascot Madness. The following three posts (Saturday! Sunday! Monday! A LONG WEEKEND OF HILARITY) are a collaboration between Trevor Record (Features) and Justin McElroy (Coordinating) of The Ubyssey, Kai Green and Taylor Loren of AMS Confidential, and Neal Yonson of UBC Insiders. It’s long, but we promise it’s not tedious. If you’re actually in commerce, voting ends on Monday. Spread unicorn love accordingly.

Warning: The opinions contained after the jump may reflect some disillusionment or refer to negative stereotypes of Sauder students. Rest assured, we’re not all bitter Artisies, suffering away only to graduate into the worst job market in umpteen-hundred years. Some of us are in Science too.

Continue reading

Cappellacci wears ugly old man blazer, lures Ackbar into trap.

AMS VP Academic, Ben Cappellacci, has pulled off what some are calling the greatest trap in UBC’s illustrious history. He has somehow lured Admiral Ackbar, the preeminent source of all trap locations on campus, into a trap. The trap of Associate Vice President Academic.

We here at the Confidential were really excited when the Admiral was elected. We’re going to be extremely sad as he is forced to resign from council. We might even shed a pink tear from our collective sparkle eyes.

Guess there’s another Arts AMS rep spot open… #GG4Artsrep

This isn’t some April Fools joke.

This isn’t a trap.

To Whom It May Concern:
I am resigning my seat as an Arts AMS Rep, effective immediately.  I have found that my Council chair does not swivel to the standards I became accustomed to in 1983, and the distinct lack of spaceships under the AMS’ command makes it difficult for me to be effective.
Because I am taking the position of AVP Academic, I have no choice but to resign: the AMS can’t repel conflicts of interest of that magnitude.
I look forward to working with everyone in my new capacity, and would like to say that I do admire the amount of time and effort you all put in to bettering the UBC experience, especially since most of you do so as volunteers.
Yours sincerely,
Admiral Ackbar / Sean Cregten

he'll safewalk you home too.