On electronic music and introspection

CHANGE IS INEVITABLE.

It’s just a fact of life.

You can try to stop it, but you might as well be trying to stop the tides. The truth of it is simply that people change. And you’re not always meant to change along with them.

This year has been a bit difficult for me. I’ve always been pretty good with changes, but they seem to be coming too hard and too fast this year. When I think about it, though, a lot has changed in the past few years.

I went from the cultural vacuum that is aptly named “Deadmonton” where I had lived for almost my whole life to a new city in a new province with a whole new set of people to base my life around.

I went from the community of Vanier where I had my best friends living 3 doors down the hall to a new apartment in Marine Drive where my friends are all a few bus rides away.

I went from being a brilliant composer in high school to being a moderate one at best in university.

I went from being surrounded by family and friends 24/7 at home to being alone 99% of the time here.

And yet when I look back on all these changes in my life, I don’t think I, myself, have really changed that much. I still see myself as the slightly terrified but completely and utterly excited girl who I was when I moved here last year. But I guess I have managed to change quite a bit since I left home last year.

I went from depending on my family and friends to be my constant support system to realizing that I actually really like being alone most of the time.

I went from being overly confident (bordering on cocky) in my abilities and expertise as a musician to being humbled by the sheer amount of talent at this school and becoming more willing to learn.

I went from living in a bubble where everything went as planned and nothing interesting really happened to living in a huge, wonderful city where dreams run rampant through the streets and culture is ingrained in every aspect of the city.

I went from obsessively studying film to obsessively studying music technology and electroacoustic music.

I went from partying like my life depended on it to staying at home with a cup of tea, a candle, and my guitar.

I went from swearing never to get a tattoo to getting a tattoo.

I went from listening to pop music to listening to folk/indie and electronic music.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I have changed, but not in all the ways you would expect me to. I didn’t go through any huge physical changes (shaving my head and getting like 18 piercings, tattooing my whole body in leopard print, losing/gaining loads of weight), I didn’t go through any huge mental changes (becoming depressed, getting anxiety, having problems with stress control), and I didn’t go through any huge emotional changes (having a breakdown and catching the next flight home, realizing I wasn’t okay without my family around me all the time).

Nothing changed about me that is easy to define, but I am not the same person I was when I was leaving home. And there are a few things I definitely never knew before I moved here.

I never knew the invigorating power that the ocean has on a tired soul, and how the crashing of the waves and the salt air can make you feel refreshed like nothing else.

I never knew how much sweeter it was to see people after being without them for so long.

I never knew how easy it was to make your own little world while living in a huge crowd.

I never knew how to be comfortable in my own mind for long periods of time.

I never knew how easy it was to make new friends, and how it was just as easy to lose them.

I never knew how hard it was to live with roommates who aren’t your family members.

I never knew how naked I felt without my headphones in.

I never knew how much groceries cost goddammit.

And how much everything else costs. I’m so broke.

I guess I’m really just trying to say that change isn’t a bad thing. It isn’t easy, and you might not notice that it’s happening, but you are always evolving and adapting. And that’s the beauty of life. Nothing stays the same forever. You will gain some things, and lose some things, but that’s what makes you who you are.

change is good lion king

(thanks to Rafiki and Simba for tying this whole thing together)

((also listen to Slow Magic because I’m slightly obsessed since I’m now an electronic music kind of person))

(((and because I haven’t changed that much listen to Danse Macabre because it’s flippin terrifying and also brilliant and wonderful and everyone needs to listen to a little Saint-Saëns to round off their musical edumacashun)))

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