Hello!  It’s been a while.  I have a good excuse.  I’ve spent my last 2 months on exchange filling every moment up as much as I can by sleeping at 4 and waking at 9 and living life to the MAX.  Is that a good enough excuse?  I thought not.  I’m sorry. I am back home now and digesting what has been happening and I am still waiting for all of it to make sense. 2011 was a year of growing for me in many ways of which I will slowly elaborate.

On January 3rd,2011 I received a very pretty agenda.  Knowing my past experiences with trying to keep Journals, the decently sized daily boxes gave me hope that perhaps I can finally consistently keep a journal since all I would have to do is fill a little box every once in a while.  I filled those boxes with tiny writing, sometimes overflowing. Sometimes with huge writing. Sometimes with drawings. In colour, in black.  I did this for about half a year.  And then for the first time in my life I was dumped.  My home life was more out of control than it had ever been. And so I stopped. And that was regrettable because on Dec 31 as I look back at it there are many fun things to read in there. Even when the entries are only 5 words long. I am not a literary genius, but 5 words that meant a lot to my past self makes me feel good that something actually meant enough to me to write it down.

Some Monday in February: “If there is something you want to say, you better say it or write it down, because those words will never mean as much as they do outside that moment.”

And so during the 2nd lowest period of my life, I went on exchange.

Last night at a party of about 25 friends from high school + some strangers, someone asked me “How was exchange?” I said it was amazing and life changing. He asked “how?” I didn’t have any answers. No, I  did have some, but they were just too personal to say out loud.  As for other changes, I felt like they are there but I can’t put my finger on them just yet.  The dust is still settling around the solid formation of what I have learned and who I have grown to be.

I’ve learned a lot about the person that I can be. Without being fake, without trying too hard, without feeling uncomfortable.  There was a me in Hong Kong that I was, that was very much me.  However, at the same time, very much a me I had not been.  It’s hard to explain. I wasn’t putting on an act, I was just being myself, it just wasn’t the same self that I am here usually. If anything I felt I was more true.  The environment and the conditions were completely different. You know the limited time you have with those people, you know your chances of seeing them again are small, so for me, I was everything that I am without hiding away behind social masks because of time limitations to develop relationships. I suppose.

Exchange was the best decision of my life. It was a grand adventure. The adventure continues now in a different way as all the things I’ve subconsciously learned, and all the ways I’ve changed, are trickling into my current reality.

Like how when I was at my brother’s wedding a week ago and spending family time, I had a sudden recollection of a conversation with someone I met in HK about family.  My family situation isn’t rare but it’s different and I always thought that my reaction to it is something extremely shameful. I admitted something to that guy that I have never been brave enough to admit to anyone before only to find that my rotten thoughts were so impeccably shared. At the wedding it came back and this feeling of “it’s ok” hit me.  Something that I had been struggling with so long is on it’s way to being set free.

Like how last night when my ex-boyfriend said “I want you to be happy” in a tone that seemed to assume that I wasn’t, my heart secretly gleamed with happiness and I couldn’t understand why.  I thought then that maybe it was because I was happy that person actually still cared about my happiness. When I thought about it this morning again I understood.  It was because, and I am not exaggerating at all, I was happy every single day in Hong Kong. Almost.  Not just happy, ecstatic. I was actually enjoying my life almost every single day. I don’t know about you but that doesn’t come easy for me.

2 days were exceptions. 2 days where I cried myself to sleep because I was depressed (good thing my room mate didn’t move in yet.) Other than those 2 days, every day was a wonderful adventure. Even when I lost my cell phone in Korea and spent my last day running around Seoul looking for it.  Even when I lost my camera in Hong Kong and photos of the past 2 months, including everything of Korea. (I took a trip to Korea while on exchange, it’s pretty common to travel around while on exchange.) I have never ever experienced such an extended period of happiness in my life.  I am incredibly thankful to have received this.  I am also thankful to now know that everyday can be a good day.  Since I was young I believe that bad days are what make the good days good.  No, good days are good days.  Bad days will still happen, live with it. But my life isn’t in this zone of accepting things as they are.  I don’t have to wake up or go to sleep thinking “…it’s another day already.”  I don’t have to accept that “shit happens.” This world is huge but it can feel like something so tiny when you realize it is all in your reach after all.

Actually, maybe one of the reasons why I felt like I was not the same me in Hong Kong was because I was so happy and smiley. What friends I met in Hong Kong describe me as is not the same as what my friends here describe me as.

I am still passive and indecisive, but I’ve become more in control of my life.

Maybe it is because Hong Kong is an bustling sunny city where I don’t have to have days sitting at home being unwilling to go out because of the rain or sit at 11 pm thinking there is no where to go because everything is closed. (You are still #1 in my heart Vancouver!)  There world is still there. A previous me would say that the world is not waiting, things are ever changing and if you’re not running fast, you’ll be run over.  I used to just let myself get run over once in a while just because it felt too futile to try, and I needed to accept failure sometimes. (Going back to Me Inc. in 1st year: “Failure is not final!”) I still believe the world won’t wait, at least not forever because the world IS waiting, it’s a sitting duck and all I have to do is go get it.  It is that simple. Just don’t miss your opportunity.

2012, I will try my journal keeping again. Maybe a different approach this time. No lines please.

Happy new year everyone!

I think I have a tendency to think that a new year is a new start, I’ll try to tell myself that it is a new second and that is a new start too.

I hope to share more of the things I did on exchange and what it was like in a later post (rather than just talk about my personal growth), so if you have any questions please ask away!

I also made some vlogs while I was on exchange…

ENJOY!

Studying for finals

Feeling cold

No heating in dorm

Too lazy to get hoodie out of closet

Warm hands with computer fan

Every semester I’ve had so far in university starts off  chiller than a ice cube sitting on a bigger ice cube in the tundra.  In the case of exchange, it starts off the same, only in this tundra it is always Friday night.  As the end of the semester approaches it is always like I’m stuck on a treadmill with no stop button and water is just out of reach.  I could probably reach it if i tried but it’ll probably end in a mess on the floor without a single drop ricocheting into my mouth.  That or I’ll fall off the treadmill.  The no stop button meaning the never ending troubles that come up and the water being all those fun things that seem to happen when you finally buckle down to study.

Okay, I’m exaggerating.  I am a strong believer that the work hard, play hard thing can be done.  I just haven’t quite figured out how to do it yet.  Breaks can be productive.  If you have a good idea of what you want inspiration for, for some reason, when you’re out there taking a break, it’ll come.  Usually.  Eventually.  Hopefully.

Anyway, back to the topic.  At the peak every stress season, I find myself always going between “I’m screwed” and “I gots this” feelings.  Here’s a graphic representation:

Yesterday night:

I’m Screwed -> “Holy crap  I have 3 presentations this week and 3 presentations next week but i have absolutely no interest in working on the first few ones, but i have to get them done because they are due first but for some reason i have a group meeting for the later projects this week, wait, doesn’t this meeting clash with that meeting??  WHY IS THIS WEBSITE ONLY IN CHINESE? I need to schedule this out- no there’s no time just gogogo. LOW BATTERY?! What am I going to get for that guy’s birthday?? OMG I ONLY HAVE 1 MORE MONTH IN HK BUT I HAVEN’T DONE EVERYTHING I WANTED TO DO YET!!!!!! *check FB for the 6th time today anyway*”

And now:
I gots this -> “You know what? I gots this.  I’ve been… productive.  It’s been a while, lets go on write a BlogSquad post…”

Repeat this cycle a few more times until the end of my projects and repeat again before finals and I think I have my next few weeks summed up.  Nah.  I’m loving being in Hong Kong and CityU.  It’s too early to let go, but I’ll talk about that some other time.

“Life gets so rushed, people just need to do some pointless stuff before they can return to the productive stuff.”

Ok, that sounded way better in Chinese but I hope it makes sense.  I have so much stuff to do, and only 3 weeks left of classes here.  Time passes by so extremely fast and I have all these things I want to talk about but no time to talk about them and I’ll probably forget them all or be uninspired by the time I DO get time for it. *inhale*

Here is something “pointless” that is subtly wise and very entertaining.  I think it captures a lot of what university students of this generation are/will face.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-reasons-you-dont-miss-your-20s-when-theyre-over/

I’m only 20, but I cracked up at it.

Some words of wisdom from my services marketing class today:

“Positive attitude is the backbone of confidence.”

I will try hard to be more positive =)

BACK TO STUDYING

Reason: I suddenly feel very thankful for something about school and needed to share.

I’ve been having a bad week.  Midterm stress, realizing I have an increasingly stop-breathing-ly-harmful fear of public speaking, haven’t played sports in a month and I’m somewhat malnourished.

So amidst this anxiety at 1 am of a Monday while writing up my assignment for advertising class I suddenly realized, that for the first time in university, I was writing for a business class.  Not just some executive summary or a few paragraphs for a part I was responsible for in a group project.  This is a “legit” 3 page single spaced analysis of a print ad (and the chance to create an original print ad =D.)  Somehow getting to write makes me elated.  Arts students may be saying “you crazy fool! Be grateful you don’t have to write these 1928397 page/word/sentence essays!”

I’ve had to write in university before (phil, psyc, eng) but not very seriously for Sauder.  I am on exchange so I could be misguided but 3rd year is a long ways away from 1st and 2nd year.  It feels like I have finally arrived at university instead of standing in the doorway trying to stay awake.

If I haven’t mentioned it before, when attending UBC I live at home in Burnaby, an hour away from school by transit, with my family. My dad, my overprotective brother and my mom who is there once or twice a year. Hong Kong is a whole other story. I am living in student residence. Hall 2 of 9 Halls with other people around my age with a distribution of about 50% locals and 50% other (international, mainland China, exchange.) Or at least that was what I was told the distribution is.

The only similarity is the distance to the nearest mall is about the same and the route to it is divided by a similarally steep hill.

I love living on campus to the point where I am starting to wonder if there is something wrong with me because I feel like I should be feeling home sick. Lets arbitrarily analyze this with a +/- scale and see if I am being blinded by my freedom from commuting (and freedom in general) or if this really as wonderful as it feels.

• 15 minute walk to school vs 1 hour transit? No brainer. +10
• Not having the worry about staying at school extra late doing projects (which is surprisingly common here) and then waiting for the bus in the rain. +5
• No longer having ask if I can go out (I have “Asian parents.”) +7  Though still getting checked up on over the phone. -2
• Haven’t had a decent home cooked meal in a month. -4
• Eating out at unique places all the time. Only +4 because then you realize it gets expensive and you start saving by going to some not so good for you places *cough*McDonalds*cough*
• Big Mac meals and McNugget meals here are only $2.50 here! +0… It’s McDonalds.
• The stove here is actually a hot plate. Only -1 because I don’t cook here.
• Another -1 because I don’t cook.
• Weekly dessert night for Hall 2!!! Only +1 …because I have gotten fatter =I
• Unhealthy changes in appetite due to lack of affordable quality portioned correctly food on campus. -6
• When your food gets stolen or destroyed in the tiny common fridge. -4 because then you’ll never put anything in it again.
• Another -2 for the sheer lack of space in that fridge.
• Having an awesome room mate who likes the stuff you like and has similar sleeping patterns. Neutral. Because it could have easily been the opposite. But +2 because she is just that awesome.
• Hard time getting alone time to be depressed and moody. -5
• Easy time to find someone to hang out with. +4
• Learning about other cultures because res is so diverse. +6
• The sharpest rise in number of Facebook friends (and real friends of course ) I will probably ever have. +1
• The hall committee banging on doors every night trying to solicit votes. -1
• Living independently for the first time can be really taxing on your self control. Neutral. It’s good preparation for life?
• There are no dorm parties here but there is the nightly drinking and hanging out on the lawn. +2
• I can’t sing as loudly as I want to my music of questionable taste. -3
• That moment when you realize you don’t have basic supplies such as an umbrella, toilet paper or a blanket for the changing weather. -2 because then you realize those things are super cheap in Hong Kong.

Last night I went on a sporadic adventure to Wreck Beach for the first time.  Luckily my friend sort of knew where he was going and had an iPhone sporting Google Maps and the Light app (which is a bright white screen that functions as a flashlight.)

In case anyone was wondering, despite being a nude beach, the number of nude people around at 1 am was 0.  Or perhaps they were there but other than the 2 campfires scattered on the shore it was PITCH BLACK.  Which is why it is a great place to star gaze!  It was a long, dark and at times scary way from where we parked to the beach, and wild life (rats) were about, but when I stepped on the the sand and looked up at what was always there but could never see, it was worth it.

We parked all the way over by Hampton Place because it was the only place we knew where we could park for free.  Does anyone know of any closer ones? (SW Marine Dr is known for free parking but it says no parking between 11 pm – 6 am =/)

If you always wondered what the night sky looks like less some of the light pollution but don’t have the means to make it out to Abbotsford, consider Wreck Beach.  Just remember to bring a flash light!!  The stairs down are steep and are not lit at all.

Perseid meteor shower peaks this year on August 12/13.  There is a full moon out but brighter streaks can be still be seen in the suburban sky.  Hopefully the clouds will stay away.

Remember when Rabi would post up photos of UBC and we’d guess where the picture is from? Ok, I have one.

I bet every student at UBC has been in this building, it’s just a matter of getting this view.

I don’t mean for the Canucks. I mean for blogging about the riot.

Actually, this psycho analysis of the causes for the event pretty much sums up everything I want to say: http://bleacherreport.com/articles/737263-vancouver-riot-psychology-not-hooligans-is-responsibile-for-the-chaos?fb_ref=article_headline&fb_source=profile_oneline

I’m sorry but I hate it when I hear how people say that our city should be ashamed.  Man, I love this city! Not that rioting is ok or that it is anything we should be proud of, it was just the human reaction.

If you are into psychology and social phenomena (or can’t get straight in your mind why the hell things like WWII could occur with only one man at the helm… not that the article explains that but it did help me a little in figure it out.)

In other news, I got accepted to my 4th choice of exchange! (Yes, 4th.) ‘Till next time…