My last post explored the cultural identity crisis Pax wrestled with in his blog post from December 21, 2002. I also mentioned that I was interested in observing and analyzing the development of his internal struggle throughout the entirety of Where Is Raed? As I continued reading the rest of his blog posts, I noticed that Pax started to recognize external cultural conflicts as well, and that recognition fueled more turmoil within him. 

It is in his post from August 5, 2003 that we realize that Pax is a man who is sick of conflicts. He grew up in the midst of one of the biggest external conflicts (the war) while fighting his own battle for identity. His simple anecdote, told to him by his friend G, relays the story of an Iraqi human rights committee head who won’t eat meat if it’s not slaughtered by Shia Muslims. Pax’s sarcastic response sums up almost every cultural conflict in the world: “Yeah, all humans are equal but some are more equal than other[s], aren’t they?” Repulsed by this man’s actions, Pax goes on to ask, “Would anyone please remind [me] why we need religions?”

In his post from December 1, 2003, through his reflection of his external interaction with a taxi driver, it is clear that Pax still struggles with his affection towards American pop culture when the rest of Iraq seems to be anti-American. When the driver turns on anti-American songs in the taxi, Pax wonders if he should jump out of the car. Realizing that his dislike for “anti-coalition hits” can get him in trouble, he keeps his mouth shut and lets his identity crisis continue to brew within him.

Starting in his post from January 14, 2004, we see a shift in his own view of his identity. A letter from a man in Illinois asks that Pax run for President of the United States to restore democracy. In Pax’s short but straightforward response, he states that while he “would have loved to be a write-in candidate”, he needs to focus on his campaign for Iraqi presidency. This is, of course, in jest, but this is an important shift in which he clearly and intentionally puts Iraq over America.

This is not to say, however, that Pax suddenly becomes anti-American. On the contrary, I think he finally finds his balance as an Iraqi citizen who empathizes with Americans. In his January 20, 2004 post, Pax tells us of his interaction with a taxi driver just hours after an explosion in Baghdad. As the driver vehemently accuses the Americans for the bombing, Pax, we infer, defends them or opposes the driver. It is this kind of outspoken courage that we did not see in his earlier posts that leads me to believe that Pax’s identity is developing.

His post from February 12, 2004 shows the gradual but definite change. In this post, Pax responds to an email by an American solider stationed in Iraq. In this context of talking to someone from the very culture he struggled to hate, Pax admirably lays out his political opinions in a respectful yet straightforward way, while identifying himself as 100% Iraqi. I almost missed it, but with the line “we became so [dependent] on a government that wasn’t at all fit to take care of us”, he says it all. “…take care of us.” That one inclusive word says to me that Pax finally found the balance between being Iraqi and feeling American to quell his cultural identity crisis.

It’s impossible to deny that Pax’s blog “Where Is Raed?” is bursting at the seams with conflicts and crises, both stated and implied. The most obvious crisis would probably be the Iraqi War, seeing as Pax’s second post goes like, “There are three things you can do whenever you like in Iraq: get seriously ill, get arrested, get [executed].”

However, I have to say that the conflict that stood out most to me was the cultural identity crisis that Pax was facing and dealing with throughout the entire life of his blog. (I thought about this, and I think the reason for this is because I grew up all over the world, and cultural identity crises are definitely not new to me, so maybe I’m more sensitive to noticing that?) From the second post that I referred to above, we see that he knows how to speak two languages (at least): English and Arabic. Arabic is the main language of Iraq, but Pax chooses to write his blog in English. He actually addresses this and his identity crisis in my favorite blog post of his, which he writes on December 21, 2002. This is right after he deletes his blog, much to Raed’s anger, and tries to justify his actions by saying that it would be safer for an Iraqi blogger to blog in Arabic and praise his country. At the same time, he also ponders, “most ‘western’ readers wouldn’t get it because it would be so out of their cultural sphere.” By saying this, Pax recognizes that his world and his intended audience’s world are, for lack of a better phrase, worlds apart. He doesn’t state this explicitly, but I think that “Where Is Raed?” serves as a cultural bridge during this time period; he frames events specific to Iraq in a way that Westerners would understand.

The most prominent and heart-tugging thing in this post though, is the internal conflict and turmoil he is going through in what he feels and does versus what his country expects him to feel and do. Pax is upset with himself because he says he is anti-American, but he keeps referencing American pop culture, calling himself the “embodiment of cultural betrayal.” This concept isn’t one that speaks to a particular cultural audience; I think this is a concept that is universally grasped: the conflict between personal ideals and societal expectations. Obviously, not all of us are in as dangerous of a situation as Pax is in, but surely some of us have felt this “cultural betrayal” before? I know I have. As a South Korean, I feel that I am expected to hate North Korean, but I really just feel compassion towards the people who are being oppressed and often manipulated by their government.

At the end of his rant, as I call it, Pax doesn’t really resolve the conflicts inside him, which is quite understandable. Cultural identity crises aren’t things you solve overnight. I’m interested in exploring the rest of his blog posts to see how this crisis develops in him, and whether or not the external conflict of the war impacts his inner turmoil. By the end of his post, he concludes that it’s not even that he has conflict within him, it is that he is this cultural conflict. “I am all the arguments we used to have about us being attachments to western culture rolled into one,” Pax states. How many of us have felt a cultural identity crisis as strong as that?