AMS Evicting The Ubyssey

The AMS is attempting to stop campus media from fucking under their own roof.

Early this morning, The Ubyssey student newspaper was served an eviction notice by the AMS due to their “inability to maintain SUB protocol and adhere to sanitation standards.” The Ubyssey currently has a large office in the SUB, and pays their rent by selling ad space to the AMS. This is starting to become a pattern for UBC, where recently the student union at UBC-Okanagan threatened to shut down The Phoenix newspaper altogether.

Health inspectors raided the Ubyssey offices late last night after receiving a concerning tip that a strong taint-like odour was coming from the Ubyssey offices. Upon inspection, there was an alarming amount of fecal manner found in today’s batch of newspapers. “I’ve never smelled that much taint in my life,” said VP Administration Mike Silley, who was present for the inspection.

The AMS had other grounds for eviction, besides the taint incident. According to former VP Admin Crystal Hon, The Ubyssey has been a health hazard since 2009. “I used to have to deal with them all the time – those rodents are disgusting,” said Hon. “The never ending garbage that is The Ubyssey is a constant pain in the AMS’ ass.”

Ekat, VP Admin for 2010 agrees with Hon. “The Ubyssey is just this place of negativity, they only look for the bad side. They never talk about how clean they will keep the new great awesome fantastic SUB, no wonder they attract so many toxins.”

Rumour has it that health hazards aren’t the real reason shit is literally hitting the fan for The Ubyssey.

The AMS is desperate to get back in the Social Justice Centre’s (SJC) theoretical pants after Gazapalooza. The SJC, who is known to complain about everything on campus, apparently tipped off the health inspectors after a rendezvous in the newspaper office ended poorly.

An anonymous source and member of the SJC, referred to as “Kassandra”, went back to the office after a typical Pit night. “I thought he was a good guy, he was part of the paper. Little did I know that him taking me back to his office meant him taking me in the hole.”

The Ubyssey’s interview room was not taped off upon our arrival at the scene, and a sign saying “The Hole” still hung from its door.

“When I got there, he told me he wanted to me to come in the hole, that it was the only place he felt was clean enough. I looked all around the office and agreed. The whole place was just so disgusting and the situation so scarring, I don’t think I’ll ever come again.”

Health inspectors refused to comment on what exactly was found on those questionable couches, but apparently it gets “slept” on frequently. “That co-ordinating editor? Apparently he sleeps there almost every night,” said Kassandra.

Silley did not confirm or deny that the AMS was evicting the Ubyssey in part to fornication. “There’s a reason we’re moving them out of the basement in the new SUB. Lots of windows,” he said.

The SJC is demanding that the AMS make the Ubyssey staff members take equity training, and apply affirmative action to their upcoming editor elections. Rumour has it that a whole SJC slate will be running under the slogan “fuck capitalism, not each other.”

The Culture Editors of The Ubyssey apparently find it sterile enough. (Indiana Joel illustration)

Don’t forget! Today is the spoof edition of The Ubyssey, so remember to pick itup. Also, all Ubyssey staff members are invited to the Annual General Meeting, which will be held in Council Chambers from 12-4pm today.

7 thoughts on “AMS Evicting The Ubyssey

  1. Andy H.

    At first I was confused that the joke about the SJC is that they’re disapproving of “fornication”; since when is it a /left/-wing stereotype that we don’t like sex before marriage? But then I realized that campus leftists /are/ known for campaigning against sexual harrassment and assault. “Equity training” isn’t going to discourage you from having sex, but it is going to discourage you from exerting sexual pressure; it seems to be this that, for the article, constitutes its sex-negativity.

    Textually, the SJC is complaining because one of their members went to the office and (probably) had sex with an editor. “Little did I know that him taking me back to his office meant him taking me in the hole… The whole place was just so disgusting and the situation so scarring, I don’t think I’ll ever come again.” There’s a couple of readings I could make of what happened here. She might have gone consensually for sex but been turned off by the mess, or have gone with him for some other reason and been surprised by a proposition. Whatever happened, it was “scarring”, and now the SJC, presumably with her participation, is trying to make sure that things like that no longer happen in the Ubyssey office. The article sees that they have this objection to sex that is upsetting or unwanted for at least one of the participants, and from this it seems to infer that that they more generally don’t want people to “fuck … each other”.

    Embarrassing though it is to publicly complain about a joke about people who complain too much, I find this pretty troubling. This conflation is a gift to those who would similarly like to write off any objections to sexual manipulation or assault as humourless puritan holdovers. It also seems to cast any woman who says “no” to any sex anywhere as an agent of that puritanism.

  2. April F.

    Bryce: “these grapes are too sweet. I think they’re overripe”
    Jonny: “these grapes are too sour. I don’t think they’re ripe yet”
    Bryce: “I know! let’s mix the two flavours together to create a balance”
    Jonny: “how?”

  3. sighs

    this is actually not very funny. sorry, the quality of this blog is not what it used to be.

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