Author Archives: queigh

Partial Results Wholly Unsatisfying

…if you know what we mean.
PARTY’S OFF, EVERYBODY GO HOME.

After $60,000 from Arts alone (and that uneven funding is a whole ‘nother story) spent on booze, booze, and Said the Whale, UBC VOTES is ready to announce the results of their efforts.   Er, kind of.  See, the longer elections go on, the clearer it’s becoming that this election is bound to reinforce the status quo.  Let’s look at some of the goals we had going into this.  Was there an upturn in student involvement?
Well, according to Sir SUS (EA Lougheed)… no.  (But there’s so much else to celebrate!)

and then we all held hands and sang 'kumbaya'

Oh. Well. Was there a new sense of excitement surrounding constituency politics?
…um, well, Eleven’Eleven” said some really nice things.  But most students still have a predictable reaction:

someone call the 'wah'mbulance

I see. How about we just find out who won, then?—ah, but as it turns out, we won’t be getting that either.

The registrar’s office has, apparently, bucked at the notion of having to provide a list of student numbers of online voters on Friday.  EAs may protest, but to no avail—the registrars have deadlines, too, and they’re not giving it up until after the weekend.  This means that the paper ballots cast can’t be counted (because double votes can’t be eliminated) until Monday.  Meanwhile, “partial results” (aka web ballots + Epic Math) will be announced tonight, but we’re assuming that the number of paper ballots (est. 25% of those cast)—and, thus, the margin of error—will still be rather high.

So what went wrong?  Well, for one thing, this whole UBCVOTES thing—cool as it is—was rather last-minute.  Hopefully next year’s committee, should they decide to keep the partnership alive, will start planning earlier & make use of now-existing infrastructure.

Secondly, events (& voting) were heavily promoted online, but given the nature of the hack facebook community (so insular, NASA’s using it to keep astronauts warm! ba-dump-ching), this may not have been the best strategy.  Perhaps, next year, a better physical presence? We hear the SUB is good for that.

i'll kick it with your funky bunch

Thirdly, the elections committee was forced to use WebVote at the last minute, rather than the hackable AMS Elections voting system, although, again, the availability of (alternative) paper balloting was limited at best.  In conjunction with this, we’d strongly—strongly—recommend a more comprehensive volunteers program, possibly with a talented, dedicated volunteers coordinator.

On a positive note, what went right?  Well, we’re totally impressed by the dedication of the entire elections committee.  Lots of love for former Confidentialite Taylor Loren, whose voice was apparent in a lot of the official emails we got (even though they were e-signed by the EAs) and who was a vivacious and visible presence throughout the events/voting process, from tweets to butts in seats.  The events were expensive, yes, and not too effective, but they were way way bomb.com.  MoA is a kick-ass venue, y’all.  Everyone who went to the parties had a lot of fun (and there’s photographic evidence if you know where to look).  Drink tickets got handed out like fuckin’ confetti.  And hey, pancakes!

But we’re still mulling over one question: will all these sexy parties be enough to prevent the largest candidate case of blue balls, like, ever??

that looks... painful. (image c/o trucknutz)

Dear EA Will McEwan: We’re so sorry

Oh, how times have changed.

Remember when we were all, “EUS have their shit together” and praised them up and down? PISH-TOSH.  Crack a beer, friends, and learn all about the shenanigans going on in the nerdotron faculty.

Julian Ritchie just disendorsed himself for EUS President, citing a wish to not split the vote.  If you’re American, this decision can be explained as an alternate universe in which Ralph Nader disendorsed himself in the 2000 Gore/Bush elections.  Of course, Julian Ritchie is a lot smarter than Ralph Nade oh hey, back to the coverage.  So why would Ritchie ask his supporters to reconsider their choice?  In other words, who’s Bush?

He’s still running, and can’t say for sure…

In unrelated news, “as everyone who looks at the elections website can see,” there’s an apparent Iranian/Persian slate running in the election [Ed. note: I didn’t say it, but someone Iranian did: “They can hold meetings in Farsi!”]  Sources say they handed in paperwork together, and only recently de-friended one another on Facebook (although if FB were an indicator of slates, the whole damn system would be screwed).  And you might notice while Facebook stalking that the supporter of one tends to be the supporter of all the others.  And you might also notice that they all seem to have the same campaign points, even when such points fall outside of the position they’re running for.  BUT IT’S TOTALLY NOT A SLATE, AND WE’RE NOT SAYING THAT.

So, aside from some platform glitches, what’s the problem?  After all, this isn’t the AMS’s first—or only—unofficial (apparent) slate.  What’s worrying insiders is the fact that all of these candidates, with no exception, appear to be hilariously incompetent.

they’re our corporate sponsor

OH MY GAWD EDITOR LADY i dont understand what would make you say that CLEARLY you know NOTHING AT ALL about elections RAWWWRRRRR on what evidence could you POSSIBLY base this HEINOUS ACCUSATION

Well, for one thing, there’s the clusterfuck of a wall on Presidential candidate Sina Sahami’s election event.  It’s 10 pages long now, and no doubt getting longer, so I’ll save you the trouble and say that it’s disheartening, not least of all because of the sort of crazymaking Sahami supporter who says things like this:

I heard people commenting that [Sina’s 50% participation goal] is far-fetched simply because even countries have not been able to do so. Yes that is true. However, I believe that the problem is the government bodies themselves; they DO NOT WANT MANY PEOPLE TO BE ACTIVE.

FROM THE MOON PEOPLE, WITH THE RADIO WAVES

Actually, come to think of it, there are a few secret/exclusive societies at UBC, aren’t there?  Here’s one I found:

does this count as community service, you guys?

Sina himself does a lot of shit-disturbing on his wall, calling the former exec “incompetent” and “dishonest,” and saying that EUS leaders are “ditching responsibility” (mostly in regards to budget transparency).  Numbers (& more complex explanations than FALSE!!1!) are boring, but here are some rebuttals from people who don’t think so, and have actually held office:

There’s this note from former President Chris McCann (or, if you prefer, Chris McCAN’T HAR HAR HAR).

And THIS one from “Charizard” Pedram, who more than thoroughly details her credentials (and name-checks Dreamboat Sean Heisler &hearts).

this is actually her grad photo

And my dear friend Omid “Too Legit to Quit (the AMS) (EVER)” Javadi, in his epic 300-word meme-packed epic nerd elections breakdown, not only covered most of the incompetency concerns, but also ensured that no woman will ever find him attractive.  [Ladies: do you like dance music, cleanliness, and teh internetz? do you find body hair the single greatest indicator of virility? tact: your nemesis, or just unnecessary social frippery? IF SO, DIAL 1-900-WOAHMID FOR A GOOD TIME]

Anyway, that’s three people (five, if you include the candidate and his supporters) with inside information raising legitimate concerns about the competency of this (apparent) slate.  What’s next, Formerly-Put-Together EUS? Disendorsements? Dropouts?? THE END OF DAYS??!?!?!

THIS IS WHY I’M HOT

IN CONCLUSION: hey, Mining Engineer Alex MacKinnon, who may or may not still look like this:

rejected olympic mascot “neerdii” finds your views interesting, wishes to subscribe to your newsletter

I’ve never met you, and I tend to believe that miners are all a bunch of fratboy rock jockeys (WHAT UP, MINERS). But remember when you said “This is where I wish I could post that Picard facepalm picture”??!?  Well, we tend to agree.

WHO LOVES YA B

Hack vs. Hack

Oh goodness, y’all.

In a grandiose lesson about knocking on wood, not counting chickens before eggs are hatched, ETCETERA, in tonight’s council meeting our illustrious EA Isabel informed the group that the heretofore scandal-free AMS elections were, in fact, scandalicious.

Ladies and gentlemen: it appears we got hacked.

like, it was way rad

For big fat details in all their glory, you can read the full text of the Elections Fraud Report.  A quick summary follows, however, for you kids on the go.

  1. Mark Latham, Voter Funded Media guru, was analyzing data for his own purposes & discovered an apparent irregularity; he notified Isabel, who alerted the proper authorities.
  2. There are 731 “Suspect Votes” which were identified as being from the same IP address & voting in a four-hour bloc (a very large number of votes in a very short amount of time).
  3. An independent party, Forensic Data Recovery (FDR), has been hired to investigate this occurrence and see if their are other instances of voter fraud in the elections.
  4. These 731 votes affect ONLY the following races:
  • the single passing referendum (tuition policy = LOWER PLZ)
  • UBC Senate
  • VFM
  • OH FUCK WHAT

It’s still uncertain how the suspicious activity happened, whether or not saved votes were overwritten or the fraudulent votes were independent, etc. etc.  Is it possible that previous races were affected? oh yes.  Is it possible that there is undetectable fraud happening in our elections? Well, in the words of Speaker Dave:

We said they were a hacker. We didn’t say they were a super-smart hacker.

Sleep soundly, voters.  Oh, and the UBC Votes team (AUS, EUS, HKUS, & SUS) will not be using this online voting system, they will use WebVote. And you, O Computer Elite of the Cloning Powers, we have but one request for you:

OH GOD PLEASE it's been such a slow month

Irregular indeed.

Last week, Nearly-Former Elections Administrator Isabel Ferreras sent out a Media Advisory letting us all know the following:

The Alma Mater Society of UBC Vancouver (AMS), UBC’s student union, has discovered voting irregularities in its January 2010 elections and referenda. The AMS is taking this issue very seriously and is taking the necessary measures to deal with this matter. An independent auditor has been hired to conduct a thorough investigation. The AMS will be unable to release any further information until the investigation is complete. The AMS’ primary concern is in serving students. As such, the organization will operate business as usual.


Council tonight will address this issue, and presumably key parties will learn what, exactly, the fuck is up.  Meantime, however, you and I and everyone else not privy to this info (which is, it seems a good 90% of hacks) are left wondering what exactly a voting irregularity is.  Because, to me, it sounds like this:

that looks painful.

(See, because the elections were supposed to have been passed, but apparently something wrong went into the system? and now things are all backed up? and we have to seek independent help for this blockag—oh, fuck it.)

YEAHHHH POOP JOKES YEEAAAAAHHHHHH

Our campaign guide: more surveys!

As the surveys continue to trickle in, we continue to be oh-so amused by your responses, sometimes to the point of actually laughing out loud.  Aaron Palm in particular charmed us with his ready wit and willingness to bitch about his dead-end job, so we’ve reproduced a little more of his survey than was strictly kosher.  Whatever, dudes, we’re America! We take up as much space as we want, y’all!

The first part of our survey bonanza can be found here.  New surveys, including two presidential candidates and a man with four names, after the jump.

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Yet More Debates: Snoozefest

Day Four of debates took a huge turn away from yesterday’s barely-disguised sexual tension to… a total snoozefest.  Seriously.  Most disappointing was that Blake Frederick (running for BoG) and Michael Haack (VP Admin) didn’t even attend. Apparently Blake was having health problems (or was just plain tired, or both) and Michael was visiting family.  Too tragic, as our BF’s presence could have completed a Sean-proxy/Guillaume/Blake argyle trifecta.  All the debates suffered from a lack of competitors and audience interest, and the whole thing was over in an hour.

The only even vaguely amusing part of this whole thing was when Guillaume said that if the university tried to push past something unpopular with students, he’d be up in arms! and simultaneously raised his arms. Really.  That was it.  And I put in a corresponding amount of effort:

Photo opportunities with the life-sized cardboard cutout of Sean were also available, so now Crystal Hon has embarrassing pictures of us OH SHEEEEIIIIIIIITTTTT

Later today: better material.

This post has no real value.

We’re sorry to report that our Ladies of the AMS Highly Scientific Flow Chart has been delayed due to unforeseen circumstances (a.k.a we forgot).  In the meantime, you can brighten up your council times with these fun quotes from ACTUAL DEBATERS from today!  Remember, K & T are lazy as all get-out, so these quotes are paraphrased.  Corrections in the comments, plz, and don’t get too upset if we rearranged erroneously 🙁

Sometimes you’ll find yourself sort of the Lone Ranger on council who has an idea of the financial situation [and you’ll have to educate some fools].
– Tom

Prompting this image:

But who is his Tonto??? (Gerald Deo photo)

Lobby days, for those of you who are unaware, are where we send everyone to Victoria to stay in hotels and lobby the provincial government, which costs us over $9000.
– Tim

“Wait, did he just— did that just— OMFG” – Internet Nerds on the side

auuuuuugh too much internets (Gerald Deo photo)

Note to other internet nerds: there is only one intentional meme in this image.  If you see another one, it’s because I can’t draw.

Note to non-internet nerds: Don’t get it? Here you go.

And, finally, on a personal note, Aaron Palm is a goddamn champion.  He may not have won the debates, but for his straight shooting and excellent choice of headgear, he has won our hearts.  Congratulations, sir, and may your JD flow freely and all your future endeavors be successful.  For Chuck Norris Aaron Palm, each testicle IS larger than the other one.

AMERICAAAAAA FUCK YEAHHHHHH (Gerald Deo photo)

(Foxtrot, we expect you’ll have something to add to that.)

Our campaign guide: First Batch of Surveys

Sunday evening, we sent out surveys to every candidate we could think of, and as of today we’ve received ten back. The love is… palpable? Based on this barely acceptable sample size, here are your aggregated commonalities for AMS electoral candidates:

Our editorial staff has no math majors.

Favorite Board Game: Settlers of Catan
Favorite Monty Python Member: John Cleese
Consensus on skinnydipping, naked high dive: Have done, would do again
Leno or Conan: They’re all with Coco
Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie: Angelina
UN Complaints: none yet
Flow chart results: Johannes/Mike Duncan even split

Funniest: Sean
Shortest: Joël
Nicest: Ekat
Most Apologetic: Alyssa (who was, we understand, sick)
Most Into It: Brittany

After the jump, selected highlights from all the surveys we’ve received so far.  Candidates are grouped according to their position.

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Your campaign interpretation guide: Poster fun!

Campaigning started bright ‘n early this morning, and the halls & classrooms are already plastered with posters of varying size and attractiveness.  Clearly, a number of people were verrrrry busy with Photoshop over the weekend.  This editor couldn’t help but note that by as early as 9ish, Buchanan B had a heavy emphasis on the presidential campaign: every classroom on the second floor had both a Bijan and a Nat Swift poster; Sean Kim trailed in third by choosing specific areas (although we have to doubt the wisdom of ‘top of the recyling bin’ as a location).  No doubt dedicated volunteers spent long hours to ensure that we were confronted with the smiling faces of hacks wherever we may go, although we can’t help but wonder what measures were necessary to keep toiling fingers at the button machines.

This seemed like a better idea in the strategy meeting.

In these dizzying times, it can be hard to properly analyze campaign media sources.  That’s why, after the jump, we’ve given you our Handy Dandy Campaign Poster Field Guide.  It’s the definitive resource to identifying, classifying, and ultimately analyzing the campaign materials with which you’re about to be, for lack of a better term, flyerfucked.

Should you, by the way, notice that we’ve an important subgroup, let us know in the comments.  Did I mention we love the shit out of comments? OH BOY COMMENTS.

FYI: Use of campaign materials for the purposes of this post does not constitute an endorsement in any way, shape, or form.  Duh.

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