Category Archives: News for Noobs

Freeesssshhh Meeeeatt

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Last night’s AMS Council meeting was full of some fresh hacktastic meat. Those newly elected to hackville are presented to you, along with the others who are in some spankin new positions. We’re looking forward to fun filled year with the new exec and their new nicknames/alter egos…and we’re taking this opportunity to plug the AMS Annual General Meeting, where you can meet them all too! and get fed. Here are some of our doodles from the meeting and your new hacks:

Ben “The Situation” Cappellacci

Fist pump? Check. Fake tan? Check. Ripped abs, oh hell yeah. Will this new hack be Snookin for Love in the AMS? Only time will tell.

Ekat “Smiley Miley” 

If you read her interview with Emails That Matter, you’d know that she chose “Party in the USA” for her campaign song for the best reasons ever..

I think the song that best represents my campaign is the musically post-modernistic piece Party in the USA (replace USA by AMS) by Miley because it artistically embodies my internal struggle with finding myself in an entirely new situation.

If elected, Ekat promised to sing us all Party in the AMS….and we’re holding her to it. Come to Hack Karaoke in the Gallery this Tuesday!

Elin “El Suave” Tayyar

Showed up late, didn’t bring his laptop.  Did bring his campaign manager.  Iiiiiinterestinnnnng.

Okay, so honestly, all we really know about Elin is that he looks good and wears that dang scarf everywhere.  Significance? Affectation?  Hideous neck disfigurement?  TELL US, ELIN.  WE’RE DYING TO KNOW.  Until we have a better reason, we’ll just dub it Man Fashion.  And we’ll dub you…

Jeremy “The Crooner” McElroy

It’s a well-known fact that McElroy bears an uncanny physical resemblance to former N’Sync-er Joey Fatone, but since taking office, he’s followed in Fatone’s privacy-seeking footsteps.  JMac has removed all those lovely facebook pictures of RBF events (& RBF hijinks!) since he began his campaign—no doubt, like Fatone, trying to distance himself from his past.  Of course, Fatone went from boy bands to Broadway, and McElroy’s gone,well, from AMS to AMS.  But you see our point.  And, luckily, because we have Sources, you see this uncanny resemblance too:

We can only pray this will, somehow, be recreated.

A few less well-established hacks made their first appearances, too:

Brittany “Save the Cheerleader, Save the …” Perna, was there prepping for her new job as International Rep.  As a former blond, I’ve gotta say, I’m kind of rooting for Miss Perna here.  She’s said that she’s intimidated to take part in Council—and who can blame her, really?  Our girl was serious in lace (wait, did that make sense?), even though she had to be seated on the periphery last night.  She seemed pretty into the presentation on international engagement, too (which would make her the only one).

Dylan Callow, new CUS rep (well, almost new—he hasn’t signed the paperwork yet, apparently—and how totally like a CUS kid to draw that line) was there for his first big official meeting.  He is a bunny rabbit, and we want to pinch his cheeks.

The only hilarious soundbite of the meeting was the presentation by Colin, head of the Society Act Review Subcommittee … also known as SARS.

Stay tuned for more Council fun as there is another meeting next week to make up for the extended reading week. Hearts and unicorns!

Unobtanium Jello Wrestling!

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Well, the event you were all waiting for has come and gone. No, not The Presidential Debate hosted by Issues That Matter and The Media. Instead, The Unobtanium Jello Wrestling event. Held as a part of Science Week, it conveniently falls during elections and, as such, has become a joyous platform for candidates to campaign upon. In many cases, it is also the determining factor for many students yet to cast their ballot. While the non-hack and non-SUS crowd was meager at best, there were some epic battles.
For all you Noobs out there, the objective of jello wrestling is to remove the sock of your opponent in an inflatable bowl/pool of…green jello.  Needless to say, judicious use of tarps (and athletic garb) are involved.
After the cut, more of this:

god, we wish.

PLUS our exclusive live-action Sean v. Joel EngNerd Death Match—and how this year’s candidates compare to those of years gone by.

Voting for Dummies

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Oh, readers. The things we do for you. I am still hungover from last night’s epic hackfest bzzr garden, and I am trying to understand math. I haven’t voted yet, and was confused on how, exactly, voting worked. Over here at Confidential, we used our cute little smiles to coerce our special analyst into helping our cute little brains.

Confused on voting? Keep reading after the jump for how it works.

Want the News for Noobs version? Here is how to vote.

  1. Research ahead of time (these are the candidates, this is who we want to win, and this is the referendum breakdown)
  2. You are allowed 15 minutes to vote. However, you can save your progress and come back later, with 15 minutes allotted each time you sign back in.
  3. Go here anytime between NOW and January 29
  4. Tell your friends to vote! DO IT! <3

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Sparkle Happy Endorsements 2010

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Is it that time of the year already?? Oh, how the initial campaign period has flown. They’ve impressed us on the fields! They’ve impressed us in the debates! They’ve left numerous messages in our inbox! But now it’s time to separate the cream from the chaff and give you our top picks (not entire Condorcet rankings, we’re not total wonks) for this year’s round of AMS Elections. Get ready, after the jump, for this year’s


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Our campaign guide: more surveys!

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As the surveys continue to trickle in, we continue to be oh-so amused by your responses, sometimes to the point of actually laughing out loud.  Aaron Palm in particular charmed us with his ready wit and willingness to bitch about his dead-end job, so we’ve reproduced a little more of his survey than was strictly kosher.  Whatever, dudes, we’re America! We take up as much space as we want, y’all!

The first part of our survey bonanza can be found here.  New surveys, including two presidential candidates and a man with four names, after the jump.

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Yet More Debates: Snoozefest

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Day Four of debates took a huge turn away from yesterday’s barely-disguised sexual tension to… a total snoozefest.  Seriously.  Most disappointing was that Blake Frederick (running for BoG) and Michael Haack (VP Admin) didn’t even attend. Apparently Blake was having health problems (or was just plain tired, or both) and Michael was visiting family.  Too tragic, as our BF’s presence could have completed a Sean-proxy/Guillaume/Blake argyle trifecta.  All the debates suffered from a lack of competitors and audience interest, and the whole thing was over in an hour.

The only even vaguely amusing part of this whole thing was when Guillaume said that if the university tried to push past something unpopular with students, he’d be up in arms! and simultaneously raised his arms. Really.  That was it.  And I put in a corresponding amount of effort:

Photo opportunities with the life-sized cardboard cutout of Sean were also available, so now Crystal Hon has embarrassing pictures of us OH SHEEEEIIIIIIIITTTTT

Later today: better material.

Red Hot News Media

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Slow news weekend? Nonsense. Here at AMS Confidential, we’ve uncovered a bushel bask of RED HOT TIPS for your perusal.  We’re totally like Gillian Anderson as Agent Scully: hot stuff, hot on the case.  Except, you know, there’s two of us.  And we’re pretty sure K is Agent Mulder.

It’s important to note before we reveal this information that we’re aware some of it is pretty hush-hush.  We thought long and hard before letting this out into the open, well aware that we were running a risk in revealing this to the public too soon.  Some of you may not be able to handle the level of scandal we’re about to reveal—for those with weak hearts, we advise taking it in small doses, perhaps by covering part of your monitor with a piece of paper and slowly sliding it down to reveal wee, bite-sized pieces of dirty linen.

IT JUST WON'T DIE (Gerald Deo photo)

Tim Chu’s commitment to his mandate is impeccable: he’s got, like, two whole referenda!  Referenda he’d kind of pledged to do anyway!  He wants the AMS to “actively lobby” for less tuition and more government funding—because currently, they think it’s totally okay for those things to happen! or something like that wherein tuition fees rise as the value of the dollar drops, so you’re not actually paying any more real dollars! but the number is bigger! it’s important!  Also, disabilities.

Mike Duncan is Natalie Swift’s advisor!  Sasa Pudar (UBC Spectator) is running Jeremy McElroy’s campaign!  Running a campaign does not constitute a conflict of interest!  (We think.)

While we’re at it, the following people are rumoured to have potentially conflicting relationships:

  • Bijan Ahmadian & Ben Cappellacci
  • Jeremy McElroy & the Entire Goddamn Ubyssey
  • Me & Your Mom
  • Johannes Rebane & Stas Pavlov

He also loves babies, waxing.

Joke candidates past and present, take note, we are calling you out: Jeremy McElroy is Kommander Keg!  Geoff Costeloe is the Comrade!  And—OMG—hottie Student At Large Nick Fitzgerald is the Invisible Man.  Or, at least, his translator.

Blake Frederick & Bijan = NOT BFFs

The Entire Ubyssey Board of Directors = in the same frat.  Except for Blake.

And, in case you didn’t know—Johannes Rebane is really, really mean. Really, really, reallllllly mean.

caption contest in the comments, yo

Got any more breaking news for us?  Leave it in the comments!  I’m gonna go drink.

…or, rather:  I’m gonna go drink!!1!!1!

(Editor’s Note: Issues That Matter is concerned about our journalistic integrity. Of which we obviously have shit tonnes of. We don’t kiss and tell, but we do like to drink beer after council meetings. In case you wanted to know, as we know you are so concerned with our unbias)

Wonkettes we ain't.

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What’s this? A post without pictures?

Well, yes.  VFM got an email today with some shiny new potential referenda, much less sexy than the old referenda.  And sadly—not because we’re ladies, but because we’re normal forward-thinking people—legislative procedures make our heads hurt.  We had to consult codemonkeys to bring you this highly scientific breakdown of What Might Be on Your Ballot:

NUMBER ONE!

What It Says:

1) “Do you support the amendment of the AMS Bylaws as presented, based on the recommendations of a consultant hired to review the operations of Student Court, for the purpose of revising the rules concerning Student Court?  This revision would make Court decisions binding as soon as they are sent to Student Council, increase the amount of the fine the Court could levy on individuals, require that the Court include judges from faculties other than Law, and remove the Court’s power to interpret the AMS bylaws and its power to rewrite referendum questions.”

What It Means:

  1. Fees: Revises the upper limit of the fees student court can impose.  Currently this is $10.00—not exactly a deterrent.
  2. Finality: In 2008, Crompton v. Elections Commissioner (ie: LougheedGate), Council overruled student court and overturned their verdict.  These changes would mean that this could no longer happen.
  3. Power to interpret: if you and someone else have a disagreement on the interpretation of a piece of code, you would normally, a la Civics class, ask the judicial branch (aka Court).  Questions like these would now be referred to the Legislative Procedures Committee, currently headed by our Chairman Naylor.
  4. Referenda questions: The court decides what a “clear question” is—important when presenting to an unengaged student body.  Changes indicate that this would now be Naylor & the Legislators’ problem.  (BTW: band name?)
  5. Composition: Some changes to the composition of the court would be prescribed—namely, that of its seven judges, at least two must be from faculties other than Law.  (But how will they pad their resumes now??)

NUMBER TWO!

What It Says:


2) “Do you support the amendment of the AMS Bylaws as presented, based on the recommendations of a special AMS joint committee, for the purpose of revising the rules concerning Student Court?  This revision would eliminate alternate judges, require that there be judges from at least two faculties hearing any case, and set out new rules for referendum questions.”


What It Means:

  1. See No. 5, above, with minor changes which don’t concern you, peon.

Of course, all this fun times & happiness may turn out to be for naught, depending on whose interpretation of elections bylaws wins.  (See, we told you this wasn’t sexy.)  In order to put these beauties on the ballot, they need to be motioned up by Council.  Problem is, the deadline for referenda is the 15th—five whole days before Council next meets.  And since elections code, as we’ve learned, is writ in steel, well.

But hey, at least you learned something about your student society today!  Namely, that there’s a very real reason we pay people to have a vested interest in this stuff.

(With files from our Very Secret Expert, who can totally apply to us to have his name on this post.)

So You Think You Can Hack?

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If you’re the average UBC student, you are most likely not interested in AMS politics. That is, until the UN invaded and you received a gluttony of emails regarding ridiculous issues and media stunts, er… human rights violations?

You may have joined a Facebook group or two, perhaps turned out to the emergency Saturday meeting that called to Impeach the Beast/defend Human Rights and Progressive Leadership at UBC, by gum! Now there’s sexy referenda, impeachment is still the hot word, and lo and behold there’s ELECTIONS in which you can actually HAVE A VOICE in this manner.

We here at Cute Teddy Bears and Unicorns are anticipating a hot election season, perhaps even too sexy for the AMS’ shirt. Want to join the hot hot heat?  Here’s what you need to do if you want to jump into this ridiculous, hot mess of a circus.

  1. Have an extensive vocabulary. Learn some new words, like hack, or BIRT and its bigger cousin, BIFRT.  Dare we say it—practice your Naylorisms.
  2. Dress well. Or, dress horrible. Either way, you need to have some signature clothing piece or style, be this berets (Naylor, Jeremy), empire waists (Crystal), shirt/sweater combo (Tim), UBC paraphernalia (Duncan, Johannes), or the hack essential: argyle (Blake). Please, avoid the tapered khakis. If in doubt, you can always throw on a plaid shirt and skinny jeans (Mitch, Natalie), or grab some glasses/grow facial hair (nearly all of the above).
  3. Drink beer.
  4. Find something you’re passionate about. Want more beer, more housing, less clothing, higher tuition? You don’t have to be an expert—lord knows none of these people started that way.  Just pick something, read a little bit on it, show up to a few meetings, and pretend like you know everything.
  5. At some point in this process, we recommend you learn rudimentary English, like public speaking.  Don’t worry about spelling or grammar too much—some of the AMS’ finest never bothered.
  6. Join random student groups, whether it’s to make friends, or meet people who will vote for you, or both. Or, perhaps, to find a hot piece of ass.
  7. Put those beer-drinking skills to use by hooking up with an established hack. Trust us—you totally won’t regret it. (Much.)
  8. Be nice to the media. Buy them treats. Sexy lingerie. Fine wines. Or just vote for them every chance you get.
  9. Remember: You Are Always Right.  And when you’re not, it was a media stunt.

See, it really isn’t that difficult to fit in. So check our Events page and jump into this hacktastic arena.

WWND: What Would Naylor Do?

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With the ballot approval of 5 of 6 Matt Naylor-driven referenda in last night’s Council meeting and a pledge by the aforementioned Arts Man to collect the required signatures to push the EPIC slates question through, this election is taking on a decidedly Naylor-esque focus.  In fact, perusal of our (rather limited) files would seem to indicate a decidedly Naylorean focus to a lot of political events ’round these parts.

In last night’s happenings, Naylor was named Chair of the Legislative Procedures Committee, effectively making him Chairman Naylor and cementing his title as the robust ruler of AMS Council. There is a war raging on campus, as evidenced in last night’s meeting, between the current President and the People. Naylor has begun the Long March towards 1000 signatures and will not stop until his archnemesis Stalin Blake Frederick is held accountable for his rendezvous <insert human rights jokes here>.

Whether you want to sound smarter & more politically involved to that cutie sitting next to you at debates (come on, you know all this power stuff just turns you on), or you’re a member of UVSS who’s determined to follow mainland happenings, here are a few terms to drop in the next three months before the big man finally, like all student politicians, graduates.

Naylorism: A lengthy comment characterized by verbal free-wheeling, grandstanding, or at least one reference to something one holds dear, i.e. an established office or Democracy—bonus points for condemning, in the midst of this, Tim Chu.  A Double Naylorism can be achieved by following with a wry comment, being cut off by Speaker Dave, or inadvertently spitting/pounding the table with your fist.  A Triple Naylorism requires a shot of Aquavit just to get started.

These positions are not to be used as personal chew toys – ignoring relationship maintenance is the same as ignoring the UPass – it is a vital part of the portfolio left undone.

The AMS is very sick. It is in need of more structural reform than I could have imagined. The people who are elected to serve it … are being deceitful, disingenuous, disorganized, disrespectful … [and are] responsible for shattering the Society’s democratic safeguards.

The Olympic legacy on campus could be far more than a new arena – I am concerned that it could represent the opening of the floodgates in terms of the abuse of civil liberties on campus.

Meta-Naylorism: any Naylorism which includes a self-aware reference to cult geek fandom, e.g. Star Wars, Star Trek, BSG, Buffy.

Giles: “I’ll have you know that I have very, um, many relaxing hobbies.”
Buffy: “Such as?”
Giles: “Well, um…I enjoy cross-referencing.”

– Naylor on Lexis-Nexis

Naylorite: 1) A devotee of all things Naylor, particularly those who own two or more former Naylor campaign materials.  2) A political ally who benefits from Naylorean enthusiasm/epic Naylorisms, whether or not their support is widely expressed.  3) Taylor Loren, total Naylor groupie (who was near tears when proxying for him last night), ruiner of any shred of supposed journalistic neutrality/integrity, as evidenced by this Top Secret File:

Witness.

*For context: “Naylorism” Quotes One, Two, and Three.