McDonald’s was bustling with good business at lunchtime when fifteen-year-old me, accompanied by my parents, overheard a mildly irritating tone boil from the conversations of a seemingly heartening family of four, consisting of a man, his young son and wife, and his mother, seated across from us. Suddenly, the man shot up from his chair to scold his mother for being a finicky eater.
“You’d be better dead!” howled the man, “I pay the bills, and you’re complaining about what food you get?” A deafening silence fell upon the patrons of the restaurant -the intensity almost unbearable. People looked on as the man’s face contorted with devilish hatred, beady eyes, twisted eyebrows, and all.
Amidst the chaos, a tender voice asked: “Grandma, why is daddy yelling at you?” Then, as I gazed upon the elderly woman’s face, marred by streaking tears of inexpressible despair, my heart sunk.
The terrifying image of his looming figure and thundering voice haunts me till this day, and it forever changed my understanding of men.
Three years ago, I witnessed an absolutely infuriating incident, but for those just hearing about it, it’s only another instance of domestic violence amidst a statistic of others in our country. The dangerous behavior of men is not only limited to ageism and elder abuse, however, as increasing prominence of gender-based violence and sexual assault brought to light in the recent decade has all vouchsafed for its destructiveness in social interactions and familial relationships.
Male-induced violence is all around us, from bullying to senior abuse; it can happen to us and those we love at any time, anywhere, and as Canadians, we ought to be wary of its prevalence.
Non-profit organizations devoted to representing the voices of marginalized groups in achieving political and social equality, such as West Coast Leaf, have spoken for the epidemic of ageism against elderly women, such as that which happened at McDonald’s.
In 2019, Gillette released a public awareness short film entitled We Believe to campaign for the #MeToo movement and instigate discussions about toxic masculinity. Their initiative to end violence and stigma of male inferiority, which features the dangers of bullying and catcalling as accepted norms within our male-dominated society, received much backlash. But through it all, their courage is commended and their goodwill praised, as it has accomplished great things by compelling those who feel discriminated as “lesser men” to become empowered.
I believe we can end the destructive rhetoric that glorifies and normalizes violence, and which holds men to unrealistic expectations of archaic traditional masculine stereotypes in our society by crumbling the sociocultural status quo, redefining the ways to be a man, and then conceiving and embracing alternate masculine performances.
We hear the term toxic masculinity discussed among the general public as being a key culprit in many of the social injustices our country faces each day, included among them domestic violence. But just what does it mean exactly?
Fundamentally, toxic masculinity is characterized by an unhealthy obsession with achieving “machismo” —in all of its womanizing, misogynistic, and violent nature—, and vehement rejection of anything female. And it is precisely this ideology that has dominated every facet of North American life and positions of leadership in society.
It is primarily the pursuit of ‘traditional masculine image’, either by a man’s implicit expectations by their peers, or a young boy’s explicit inculcation of toughness —a set of rules on how to carry themselves in accordance to their gender laid out by institutions and parents— that perpetuate and reproduce toxic masculine expression across time.
The American Psychological Association writes that these constructed cultural lessons have rendered boys susceptible to “aggression and violence,” and predisposes them to a “disproportionate risk for school discipline, academic challenges, and health disparities” as men, manifesting in depression, and substance abuse, just to name a few.
“Men are more likely than women to commit violent crimes,” yet often times, the average North American man does not feel negative influences of their privilege over others and the hurtfulness of their actions. But if they had considered the concerns of their female counterparts, such a man would find himself simply uninformed.
How pervasive is the phenomenon of toxic masculinity in society? A brief nationwide survey polled by the women’s suffrage heritage society, Daughters of the Vote, reveals that 77% of Canadians find that “women and men are treated differently in politics.”
Women take up less than 14% of occupations in political authority, particularly, suffering a severe lack of representation in parliamentary affairs, an arena of decision-making affecting the passing of legal policies that regulate the lives of every woman in Canada. In fact, inequality is not just a phenomenon observed in politics: it occurs in levels socially too. Women find unfair advantages in their male competitors based solely on the factors of gender alone. Gender-based discrimination and power imbalances occur in the workplace and family, alike.
We look to patriarchal households to find that toxic masculinity doesn’t just limit its influence in the political and professional realms of society, rather, its effects trickle down to the finest details of social interaction. World Health Organization yields the shocking statistic that 1 in 6 seniors experience family violence in the US, with men being the offender in about 73% of those accounts. Moreover, StatsCan labels domestic-violence as a gendered crime, as women make up nearly 83% of all who fall victim to intimate partner abuse, and “4 in 10 women […] report being physically injured.”
This statistical insight is an undeniable testament to the
vast extensiveness of toxic masculinity, having wide-ranging and ubiquitous effects of inequality and victimization in almost all contexts of human interaction. It is also in part due to society’s unwillingness to address archaic toxic masculine ideals as problematic that continue to sustain hostility in men. From the way boys are taught in this digital age, where the normalized conventions, mannerisms, and practices of toxic masculine expression are constantly being reproduced in media and as accessible as ever to conform to our dominant society’s values, the nationwide crisis of hegemonic masculinity sees nowhere to be acknowledged, much less challenged.
With the striking realization of the toxic masculinity epidemic, one might be wondering if there is any such thing as positive masculinity. I say there is.
Where there are innumerable toxic masculine traits adopted by society to paint the perfect successful man, and which have been customarily expected within developing boys and established men to strive for, there are various forms of masculinity exhibited by men across an array of cultures that embody efforts to reaching progressive feminist equality.
We can look to men of various cultures around the globe for activities and traits that defy Western “alpha male” concepts of the masculine, which prove that “macho” characteristics are arbitrarily associated with men. As a matter of fact, certain life skills like cooking, which I argue is healthy and that promotes generosity and intimacy within families, are deeply treasured in Samoan, Jamaican, and Chinese cultures. Such domestic work as cooking is commonly associated with female narratives in the common Western public imaginary, but they exemplify the potential for the sensitive and caring role of men in harboring completeness in families and is thus what can affect change to a society’s toxic expectations for masculine performance.
While not a foolproof guide to solving all of society’s problems embedded in traditional masculinity —and it certainly does not encompass every way of deconstructing toxic masculinity, exposure to different masculinities overlooked by dominant culture is one way to develop the empathy for change. If masculinity is envisioned by societies, then we can nurture positivity to overcome toxicity.
Realizing that a devastating phenomenon of toxic masculinity is plaguing our country, men should stand up in the face of adversary and be reminded of their sometimes mindless gestures and behavior that could be harming women and misleading youths around them. With an arsenal of positive masculine qualities that men can emulate, there is now a solution to make for the environment around women safer and more equitable to work and live, at home or in leadership, and the vestiges of a post-colonial imposition will no longer be a barrier to equality.
