Peer Review of Alanna’s Formal Report Draft

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To: Alanna Mckeigue, ENGL 301 Student

From: Brendan Chan, ENGL 301 Student

Date: July 19, 2021

Subject: Peer Review of Feasibility Analysis of Yoga to Prevent a Musculoskeletal Disorder in the Dental Workplace

Thank you for allowing me to review your assignment. Please see the review of the document below with various comments and suggestions for improvements.

First Impressions:

Issues of health disorders in a workplace setting are especially important for the dental and medical field, where issues that plague the physicians will inevitably have negative impacts on the patients. Seeking methods to avoid this issue is important and commendable goal. Currently with the report, there is a notable lack in depth. While the research for primary data is still in progress, information gathered from secondary research is quite sparse.

Organization

  • Points are separated into paragraphs with clear subheadings
  • Visuals are currently grouped into one section. Spreading figures out across the entirety of the report to match the visual aids with specific points will greatly help understanding
  • Paragraphs are well separated, avoiding large chunks of information
  • Adding in pagination will greatly help in organization of the report.
  • Currently in-text citations in the paper do not follow either APA or MLA format. Using these two formats will greatly aid in searching for the sources of the articles.

Design and Style

  • Headings and subheadings are not necessarily clearly separated. Including an underline or using line breaks are an effective way to differentiate between the two types of headings
  • Adding a legend towards your figures will help in understanding each figure.

Content

  • Currently the draft is outlined with each section clearly defined into the main points including:
    • An introduction detailing the issues, and the study’s purpose
    • Data section on primary and secondary data
    • Conclusion with recommended solutions

Introduction

  • The introduction gives sufficient information to introduce the prevalence of MSD in the workplace, as well as possible solutions in work-mandated yoga classes.
  • Adding in more detail on the purpose, and defining how yoga is a strong solution for prevention of MSD will help in the flow of the paragraph
  • The phrase ‘everlasting health for body and mind’ is very informal. Rewording this would help increase the professionality of the report.

Data Section

  • Sources of information are clearly stated and listed.
  • Adding in more information on the conditions of how the survey was conducted, and how the survey was distributed would be very useful in understanding context of the survey responses
  • Removal of the word ‘meticulous’ would aid in making the report more concise.

Primary and Secondary research articles

  • Secondary research establishes causes of MSD due to chronic posture issues, the prevalence of MSD in dental workplaces, and physical pain caused by MSD.
  • The meaning of ‘years lived with disability’ is unclear.
  • Citation of articles should be done in either APA or MLA style.
  • Information on secondary information is very short – There is no information or sources on how aerobic exercise prevent MSD have been given. Adding in more sources would help in understanding of the purpose of the report.

Dental Team Feedback

  • The survey’s purpose of determining interest in MSD prevention is clearly stated
  • Avoiding words like ‘I’ or ‘We’ will help make the report more professional.
  • Adding visually representing data gathered helps in understanding of information.
  • Using terms like ‘exercise’ instead of ‘work out’ will help make the report more formal.

Visuals

  • Visuals for graphs are easy to see, and colors are well sorted.
  • Adding in an explanation on what WRMSD means will help in understanding of the figures.

Conflicting Studies

  • Noting potential conflicting information due to difficulty of MSD diagnosis is valuable in aiding the strength the proposal.
  • Adding in sources for information given – ‘Although there is a high success rate in reducing pain’ – should be done to make information more convincing

Proposed Recommendations (Conclusion)

  • The proposal of a new yoga class and the scheduling of the class is clearly described.
  • Adding in a summary of the earlier information given by the report will be useful to give context to what the proposal achieves.

Grammatical Errors

  • While the majority of the proposal is well written, a small number of errors have been made.
  • First paragraph in introduction – ‘Estimated population’ should be changed to ‘The estimated population’
  • Data section – ‘accessibility of a space’ should have ‘a’ removed
    • Primary and secondary research articles – The word ‘Worldly’ should be changed to ‘Globally’ ‘
    • ‘at a cost of more than’ should be changed to ‘cost businesses more than’

Conclusion

Overall, the report was interesting to read, and confronts a very serious issue that affects our world today. With the following edits and a quick proofread, this report will be a strong and convincing proposal:

  • Addition of information to increase the depth of the report
  • Increasing the formality of various sentences
  • Editing grammatical errors
  • Correcting the citation style

Thank you for reading. If you have any additional questions or concerns, feel free to contact me.

Link to Alanna’s Formal Report: https://blogs.ubc.ca/engl301-98a-2021sa/2021/07/16/301-formal-report-draft-alanna/