What home is….for me. – Assignment 2.2

“It is the place we still haven’t found but are looking for. The place that give us a sense of our self, and of others. But figuring this place out turns out to be a problem for many of us.” (Chamberlin 87)

I think the reason why ‘home’ is so difficult to find is because home is something that evolves as you experience life. We are born in only one location no matter who we are despite where life might take us. That ties us to only one location throughout our lives in a way that no other location may occupy and for me that place would be Edmonton, Alberta. However, I have lived in three different countries for various amounts of time (6 months to 2 years) as well as moving around Canada trying to find that place called home. I have many fond memories of the experiences I had while residing in Edmonton, Calgary in Alberta as well as in Perth in Ontario. For the past 14 years, I have resided in Vancouver, BC and for a short time during that 14 years, I lived in Victoria, BC. These are just the locations of where our physical body is but it doesn’t really describe our home which is so much more personal than the city and country we reside in. Yet location influences how we may find our home.

I have lived in Edmonton (AB), Beaumont (AB), Calgary (AB), Perth (ON), London (UK), Santa Cruz (CA), and finally, Vancouver, BC. I lived in Edmonton for less than half my life and of course, didn’t have a choice in the matter. I left my parent’s home at 15 years old to live with my aunt and uncle due to abuse. Luckily for me this experience gave me the chance to see a home that was filled with love and respect. I did eventually return to my parent’s home because that was what it was, my home. I greatly appreciated the help my relatives had provided (potentially gave me a fighting chance for my life) but they still weren’t my parents and the room I was sleeping in still wasn’t mine.

Due to ongoing problems, I continued to try to move away from them as it couldn’t feel like home no matter how much I may have wanted it to as they were my parents. I moved to London, England as my father is from England so I am a British Citizen due to the rules of British citizenship. I lasted 6 months before I fell apart and had to return to Edmonton. Next, I tried Perth. I lived above the most famous horse in Canada, Big Ben, the only animal in the Canada’s Sports Hall of Fame. I worked travelling around Canada as a groom for Ian Miller, an Olympic Medalist and Gail Greenough who won World Champion many years ago. While I was young, I had a poster of her on my wall riding Mr. T, that was signed by her. It was a dream come true but eventually burnt out as during competitions, we worked 20 hour days and earned $400 a week. I returned to Edmonton again.

The real problem was that regardless of where I was physically located, I felt the same; depressed, unworthy, and a waste of space. It was like home had imploded and I didn’t know what to do. All I wanted was to find a place that felt safe, comfortable, and where I was surround by those that valued me. It isn’t a good way to live. As Chamberlin says, “place gives us a sense of our self, and of others” (87). My sense of self, and of others was distorted by my early family life. I always felt unsafe, uncomfortable and undervalued. It was furthered by becoming part of something that few people know about. It is difficult to disclose what this subculture is despite growing in popularity and acceptance including being in the mainstream media more frequently. Due to the location of my physical self being in Vancouver I have access to belonging that I haven’t experienced previously and thus, I feel at home. I love Vancouver!

Perhaps some of you will have figured out what this subculture might be. I am not sure but I am hoping that one day, I can be myself and live without feeling the need to sensor what I have to say as I am currently. In spite of my negative childhood, and subsequent near death, I have gained a place in the community I am looking for which doesn’t mean simply geographical such as being located in the West End of Vancouver, although this place influences if I feel at home or not. I don’t have to hide my lifestyle as much in this area. But I am very lucky as some countries continue to execute people like me.

As my subculture is so highly stigmatized, being part of it can have devastating consequences for some in European countries however, they won’t get the death penalty. It varies by region but it is still considered criminal in the eyes of United Nations. This subculture is especially difficult to be connected to for particular ethnicities such as Black American and First Nations. Discrimination of any sort regardless of reason is harmful. It could be due to sex orientation, gender identity, skill set, age, ethnicity, education, clothing, language, religion, and any other difference that might exist between different groups of people that share a culture such as rituals, beliefs, traditions and more. It is the biggest threat to the safety of my home, being singled out and potentially thrown in jail. For myself, every day is like a safety dance with having to sensor what I say or how I try to say something.

Works Cited

“Ian Miller.” Canada’s Sports Hall of Fame, http://www.sportshall.ca/stories.html?proID=405&catID=all, accessed 4 Oct. 2016.

Chamberlin, J. Edward. If This Is Your Land, Where Are Your Stories?  Vintage Canada, 2004.

“Artie (Glee) Safety Dance Flash Mob.” Youtube, uploaded by GuinanTheCat, 23 Sep. 2010. www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-9mbTufphY.

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ColleenFish

Works in Mental Health and Addictions as a rehabilitation worker with Vancouver Coastal Health. I enjoy yoga, biking, watching supernatural TV series and reading.

6 thoughts on “What home is….for me. – Assignment 2.2”

  1. Hi Colleen!
    Thank-you so much for sharing your story. Your story was very moving. It is very honouring to be part of a class with people who share so honestly and openly. I really appreciate that!
    I completely agree that home is much more then a geographical location. I wrote my story about finding my sense of home through experiences and growth. But I also understand what you mean when you say that the physical location does play a role in our ability to feel like we belong. I am so happy you have found a community that allows you to feel at home. I also live in the West end and LOVE it!
    I was very interested by your description of the main threat to your feeling of home as stigmatization and discrimination. I am always shocked by the things that people find to discriminate against – I guess it is human nature to be afraid of what is different from ourselves. I guess fear combined with societal norms has created the perfect storm for hatred and judgement. Do you find there is large difference for you living in Vancouver vs somewhere like Edmonton? I would also be very interested in your thoughts on discrimination and how it thrives?

    Thanks again.
    Looking forward to reading more for you 🙂

  2. Hi Hannah,

    I have found large differences living in Vancouver compared to Edmonton. In fact, when I first arrived in Vancouver I experienced what is called “Culture Shock” as I couldn’t believe the way in which my community behaved here. I experienced constant fear while here it appeared people didn’t and were able to be more open without fear of arrest and persecution. Therefore, I find Vancouver to be much more tolerant and I wouldn’t have found this community as easily in Edmonton, although I am sure it exists, it is likely just more underground than it is here in Vancouver.

    Discrimination against my community thrives as it is everywhere and people don’t think of it as such. I hear it through my coworkers, the media, it is everywhere and has been now for about a hundred years. Fear certainly plays a large part of it but brainwashing is a big part of it too. Brainwashing created the fear back in the 1920s which has resulted in the ongoing brainwashing and stigmatization. It is rather sad as the world would be such a better place without it but given most people don’t even know they are brainwashed, it makes it difficult to change the minds of people. Many people won’t even discuss this or if they do, it is filled with assumptions, myths, and stereotypes.

    Thanks for your thoughts! I feel they were contradicting as you said that I was open yet I withheld information about what community I am actually part of.
    Colleen

  3. Colleen,

    Thanks for writing this really open post. It is so interesting to read others experiences and how they have evolved to have an understanding of what home means to them. I am also from Edmonton as well and have been in Vancouver now for 10 years (I also left Edmonton as a teenager). While I really love the city of Edmonton, I can understand the differences that you explained in your comment. The idea that we are continually searching for home, really resonates with me. I find that even though we can find safety and love in a place, does not mean that we continue to get drawn back to places of our past. It sounds like you have been very brave in trying to search for these feelings all over the globe! Do you find that you feel the most at home in Vancouver because of the people you become close to, or is it more how the city makes you feel?

    Thanks again for being so open and posting such a personal story.

    -Jenny

  4. Hi Jenny,

    I think it is more how the city makes me feel. I remember the first time I drove into Vancouver, it was about 15 years ago and the energy of it made me feel alive. I didn’t know anyone here except one person. I also remember when I lived out in New Westminster for about a year, all I could think about was Vancouver and I watched this video over and over again. I basically watched the video while planning how to move back to the West End of Vancouver as I felt so isolated and detached from the life that I wanted.

    Vancouver City – TimelapseHD
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xMz2SnSWS4

    Couldn’t figure out how to make the link work in comments so going to post and see if I can fix it.

    – Colleen

  5. Hey… Perhaps my thoughts were contradicting – but I feel that openness can sometimes be found more in sentiments than information.

  6. Hi Hannah,

    I realize that I was open and closed at the same time. It wasn’t really that your comments were contradicting but I found it interesting that you hadn’t commented that I was withholding specific information.

    Cheers!

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