Strengthened by Adversity

I never realized how much I value the company of others, until about halfway through this year when I found myself sitting alone in my room, wishing more than anything that I could bask in the presence of another human being…

11:59pm New Years Eve, as my family and I watched the clock count down on the kitchen stove, I thought to myself; “this is my year”. 2020 was a new decade, a new chance to actually start my life the way I want. I remember running downstairs and, as per my own little tradition, writing down all the things I wanted to achieve in the new year:

1. Lose weight / actually use my gym membership
2. Get over my fear of letting people down
3. Learn to love myself / develop a selfcare routine and stick to it
4. Be more social / make friends
5. Move out

The list covered several pages, but these were the most important to me. Take a stabbing guess at how many were actually accomplished this year…

This was going to be the year that I finally begin my life the way I want. To give some background context, I have a really big issue with the desire to please and put the needs/wants of everyone I love above my own. I’d rather make myself completely miserable then let someone I love down. For example, when I was 3, my mom put me into piano lessons. Since then, I’ve been unable to quit, as the way she tells people how proud she is to have a daughter who is a musician, and the way she lights up and cries when I play for her, pretty much makes it impossible for me to tell her that I really don’t enjoy piano. It got so bad that I actually went as high as getting my Grade 10, and now currently teach piano lessons in a studio of my own. It’s not like I didn’t try to ask if it’s okay if I stop taking lessons over the years. But every time I brought up the conversation, it would be matched with anger and the words “waste of talent and potential”, not to mention how many people would be disappointed if I quit playing the piano. Perhaps that’s where my fear of disappointing people stems from…

This year I had decided enough was enough, and I was finally going to begin my dream of starting my own business, quitting school, overcoming my fear of letting people down, and finally begin living my life for me. A few things this year made these goals a little tricky…

I had finally saved enough money to afford three months rent and move out. This beautiful modern apartment down by the lake fell right into my price range, and I had even taken a tour and put down the first months rent. Then quarantine happened…

Businesses were shut down, new health regulations were put into place, and families had to choose to either isolate together, or isolate separately and not see one another for who knows how long. I, being young and having never lived on my own before, decided to wait and move out once this whole thing was over (or at least until everything calmed down and I could hire a moving company). I was thankfully able to get my rent cheque back, but put my dreams of living in this gorgeous two bedroom apartment by the lake on hold.

The world shut down, and life moved online. It was a new experience for everyone. Universities now required the discipline of the students to watch the recorded lectures, and stay up to date on assignments and deadlines from the comfort of their own homes. Schools, doctor’s offices, therapy sessions and music lessons all moved online and fell at the mercy of high speed internet and good wifi connection. Even shopping for groceries and necessities in person became a thing of the past, as renting someone else’s time and energy to do your shopping and deliver it to your doorstep became a must for many. Life changed so much, and people’s mental health and wellbeing were put to the test.

A lot of small business were hit hard by these new rules and regulations. As we made the switch at our music studio from in-person lessons to online, a lot of students didn’t feel comfortable making the transition, so decided to postpone their lessons until this whole pandemic had blown over. I went from having 103 clients to 46 in less than a week, as my bills and monthly budget remained the same. Soon, my little nest egg I had built over the years to move out had been given away to cover expenses I could no longer afford, and couldn’t even cancel due to Covid19.

Who would have thought that going from working with other people face-to-face every single day, to working alone and only seeing people through a screen, would be so destructive to one’s mental health. My job as a piano teacher involves building a relationship with my students. I become such a big part of their lives, and we develop a bond together as time goes on. The transition from in person one-on-one lessons to online has not been easy for a lot of my younger students, so in order to keep their focus and attention at home, I’m almost dancing like a clown in our online lessons. But as difficult as it is for students to readjust to these new ‘norms’ of 2020, its also been extremely difficult for teachers. At the end of my days full of online Zoom lessons, I now come home to watch my recorded Zoom lectures for my five University classes, work on my online assignments and papers, and then go to bed. Six days a week, every week, for the past five and a half months. Its sad that I’ve needed to buy an extra power chord for my laptop, as my life now only runs when my computer is charged. It’s sad that I’ve asked three times to increase my depression and anxiety medication without my doctor giving it a second thought. It’s sad that the only social interaction I get with someone other than my parents are the delivery guys from Dominoes who visit our house once a week. The transition from in-person to online has not been one I’ve enjoyed. Being happy and jubilant for other people multiple hours a day has begun to leave me feeling empty and shriveled by the time I get to go home.

Although this year has been trying, we all have a decision to make at the end of the day; how are we going to react to the changes we cannot control? Are you going to allow this time to fill you with grief and use this pandemic as an excuse to let yourself go, gain weight, binge watch everything on Netflix, go broke, not check in with family and friends, and constantly dwell on the depressing shit that the news comes out with everyday. OR, are you going to use this time to reflect on the things you are grateful for, develop an appreciation for the things you still have like your health, maybe use this time to start your own business, take some online courses, grow your knowledge, develop your own at-home workout routine, learn a new skill, read all those books you’ve been buying, or check in on your family and friends through zoom. Just because there is a pandemic going on does not mean we forget our goals and morals.

If it weren’t for this year, I never would have learned how much I appreciate the company of others, or how rich in friendship I am, or even that I really hate being alone, and that my happiness is derived from spending time with the ones I love. I used to think I was an introvert, and at the beginning of this year, the introverts of the world were really thriving. But time will always show us what we truly value and what makes us genuinely happy, and I think this year has been the wakeup call we all needed. Its not like there is only one person experiencing the massive rollercoaster of 2020. We are all in this together, riding the loops, holding hands, screaming at the top of our lungs, laughing at the craziness, and holding on tight as we ride towards the end. 2020 is almost over, and although I didn’t accomplish the goals I had originally wanted to, here are the new goals I unknowingly achieved this year:

1. I learned to enjoy my own company
2. I learned who my real friends are
3. I learned and mastered how to make a tiramisu
4. I realized money does actually make me pretty damn happy, but nothing beats family
5. I learned there is always a bright side to every situation, we only need to choose to see it.