Good day 301;
Writing Tip: Avoid pronouns: me/ I/ you/ your/
Try to edit out as many pronouns as possible – this will increase the use of nouns (which is good because nouns ‘name’ and provide detail and improve clarity and conciseness).
Take a look at this example:
- What an effective writing team means to me…
Rewrite: Description of an effective writing team …
- My background and the value that I intend to bring to the team …
Rewrite: Previous experiences and academic values …
Note how replacing pronouns with nouns provides details.
- “What …. means to me” / becomes a “description”
- “I intend to bring” / becomes ‘academic values’
Writing Tip: Keep your eye on too many unnecessary words. For example:
“I am currently an undergraduate at the University of British Columbia majoring and pursuing a bachelor’s degree in Anthropology. Along with my major in Anthropology comes the strength of writing various research papers within the field (36 words).
Rewrite:
“I am currently an undergraduate at the University of British Columbia majoring in Anthropology, a degree which has considerably strengthened my skills with research writing (24 words).
Example:
“Throughout my undergraduate experience, I have been able to strength my writing skills and communication abilities. I often create presentations for classes involving many anthropology or archaeology topics, as well as I present at BC Ferries as a trainer to new hires. I run both new hire orientations, classroom days and update training. I have also taken courses within BC Ferries to refine my skills in adult higher education as presenting within a corporate level (75 words).”
Rewrite:
As a student of Anthropology, I have developed excellent writing and communication skills. As an employee, I have participated in adult higher education courses and I have trained new hires, running both orientation and updating sessions (38 words).
Example of editing our pronouns for clarity and conciseness
Example
I did not find myself needing to ask any further questions regarding the term and your chosen grammar made the explanations easy to digest. I believe that with picking a complex medical term, you provided enough description for the reader to understand the term without getting too complex in your definition and leaving them confused. Although I had to read this definition a little slower, I was able to fully understand what periodontitis was after the first read to a reasonable extent. Your warnings for the reader, letting them know things were going to become more advanced (as seen in your paragraph just above Frequently Asked Questions), were helpful and prompted me to prepare to read more meticulously (118 words / 14 pronouns).
Rewrite:
The definitions explain the term well with clarity. A complex medical term requires clear description for ease of understanding, after an initial careful read this description provides an understanding of the term ‘periodontitis’ to a reasonable extent. The warnings for the reader are helpful for preparing to read meticulously (50 words / 1 pronoun).
Example
Organization: The expanded version was broken down into interesting sections and was well cited. You used a variety of sources to put together a complete picture of A|B Testing. Additionally, I liked your use of images to support your example. Some aesthetic edits that could help would be increasing the size of your font for headings or making them differ from your subheadings. This could help direct readers easily throughout your definitions. Finally, I think you could expand more on the compare and contrast. Are there any downsides to A|B Testing in comparison to Multivariable testing? While you mention the cons of multivariable testing (more difficult to set up and more time consuming), you don’t mention the cons of A|B Testing or the potential upside of multivariable testing (although it can probably be inferred) (133 words / 10 pronouns).
Rewrite: Note – stay in present tense:
The expanded definition is broken into interesting sections and is well cited using a variety of sources and supporting images for a complete description of ‘A/B testing. Increasing font size or bolding headings will improve the layout. Further expansion in terms of compare and contrasting would be helpful as well. For example, are there downsides to A/B Testing in contrast to Multivariable testing? Or is there a potential upside to multivariable testing? (71 words / 0 pronouns).
– Editing our unnecessary words for clarity and conciseness
Example:
“Each section of the definition is using simple language to explain the term, which is good to give the idea of the term to the targeted audiences with non-technical background. The article uses active voice consistently that makes it easy to read. Yet, there can still has some improvements on developing the contents. Such as the section of “Basis characteristics of a bond-”. It is better to give a conclusion on how these introduced concepts function together as a complete system of the bond (84 words).
Rewrite:
Each section of the definition uses language and an active voice appropriate for the non-professional reader. Further development of the content could include a conclusion that explains how the concepts function together as a complete system of the bond (39 words).
Editing for clarity and conciseness
Example:
“ The methods of expansion used were very well done with a few nitpicks. Starting with the history, although clearly explained, this was the one section that did not feel as necessary as the others. It did not take away anything from the overall document or add confusion but it also did not add much that wasn’t already explained elsewhere. However, I do not think it has to be removed. The analysis of parts was great and I found no issues there. The example you provided along with the description brought all the concepts together and provided a clear, labeled visual. A point that you repeated a few times was the fact that a Balance Sheet has to be equal on both sides (this was mentioned in the balance sheet example and both the frequently asked questions). I believe this could be removed from one or two of these instances and get rid of some redundancy (155 words/ 4 pronouns).
Rewrite:
The expansion techniques are overall well done. The history section is clear but redundant, editing to make this more interesting and less repetitive would be helpful. The analysis of parts and description tied together the concepts with a clear and correctly labeled visual. The fact that a Balance Sheet must be equal on both sides becomes repetitive (57 words/ 0 pronouns).
** Editing our unnecessary words and pronouns for clarity and conciseness:
Example:
“In general, the definition was solid, providing an adequate amount of examples to visualize and contextualize the definition. However, I found the definition lacking in various departments of the definition. The parenthetical definition showcased the brief description of the definition adequately, in the instance it was used. However, I found myself tripping over the definition in the sentence definition. It is confusing to see whether the term is a concept studied in psychology or a description of a behavior. For example, the rock cycle is a concept of the geomorphological processes that can explain the appearance of porous rock or obsidian. However, the rock cycle is a concept, and not a description of what a porous rock is. Likewise, I am curious whether deindividualization is a concept or a description. It would be beneficial to specify and clarify the nature of the definition so that the reader is able to more effectively understand the definition (155 words/ 3 pronouns).
Rewrite:
Overall, the definition is solid, including context, examples and a visual. The parenthetical definition is adequate, the sentence definition is awkward. Does the term, ‘deindividualization’ describe a concept studied in psychology, or is it describing a behavior? For example, a ‘rock cycle’ is a concept of a process that explains the appearance of obsidian on a rock but does not describe the rock. Some clarification is needed for ease of understanding (71 words/ 0 pronouns).
Example: too many unnecessary words and too many pronouns:
“The profile looks professional. Except for the summary and education section, other sections of your LinkedIn profile that are often viewed by recruiters are complete. The experience, licenses & certifications, and skills & endorsements sections give a clear view of who you are. Additionally, there are 36 connections in your profile, which is great because this suggests to recruiters you have a good network and that you are sociable. Lastly, the LinkedIn profile suggests the intended audience would be fellow students, professionals, and recruiter (84 words/ 5 pronouns).
Rewrite:
This profile looks professional but is missing important sections: Summary and Education. The other sections provide an overview of skills and certifications. There 36 connections that demonstrate a good network of associates. The intended audience includes students, professionals and recruiters (40 words/ 0 pronouns).
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