To: Roxanne Robles
From: Erin Mungham
Date: October 17, 2020
Subject: Peer Review of Formal Report Proposal
Thank you for submitting your formal report proposal assignment for lesson 2:1. Please see the peer review of the document below which outlines suggestions for improvements and areas of excellence in the assignment.
First Impressions:
This research proposal followed all of the assignment requirements. Each category has its own heading and the bullet points make it easy to read. Very well-organized and concise.
Organization:
- The introduction clearly states the purpose for the proposal and identifies the problem as the percentage of women in developer and management roles and the need to recruit more female candidates.
- SAP is described as a market leader for enterprise application software; an exact definition of what SAP stands for may be helpful for the reader.
- Each subheading is direct and relates back to the main purpose of the research proposal
- Conclusion is well-written and emphasizes the importance of diversity and inclusivity in the workplace.
Expression:
- Overall, the tone is professional: concise and to the point.
- Contradictory statements are expressed in this document. For example, in the introduction it says “SAP has been recognized as one of Fortune’s Best Workplaces for Women” but then many points are made that addresses the major issues for women at SAP. Such as, the percentage of females in management roles, lack of women within the hiring pool, etc. Taking out that sentence in the introduction will allow the reader to focus on the purpose of the research proposal and avoid confusion.
Content:
- This document includes all the requirements for a research proposal. It includes:
– An introduction
– Statement of the problem
– Proposed solution
– Scope
– Methods
– Qualifications
– Conclusion
Grammar and Typos:
- There are a few areas with grammar errors. One example is: “It has been found that the most women are uncertain about their application”. This should be corrected to remove the word “the”.
- Two concluding sentences back to back makes the writing too wordy. For example, “Thus, leading to less women in these type of positions. Therefore, the diversity and inclusivity must continually improve upon”.
- Please note that “these” and “positions” are plural, and “type” is singular; this needs correction.
- Focus on eliminating unnecessary words or find the right word suited for your audience. For example, “the diversity and inclusivity must continually improve upon” does not sound right. A suggestion would be to change it to “there needs to be improvement on the diversity and inclusivity in the workplace” or “the diversity and inclusivity still needs improvement”.
Concluding Comments:
- Your research proposal was very interesting to read and was well-organized. With the following edits, this will be an excellent document:
– self-editing for grammar errors and removing unnecessary words
– explain what SAP stands for
– Do not praise SAP for best workplace for women. Instead, focus only on the problem at hand
– Limit the use of transition words like “thus” and “therefore”
Thank you and please feel free to ask any questions, it has been a pleasure peer reviewing this work.
Please see below the link to Roxanne’s Formal Report Proposal Assignment 2:1
Leave a Reply