To: Mila Tung, English 301 Student Writer
From: Jen Deluz, English 301 Student Reviewer
Date: October 21, 2020
Subject: Peer Review of Formal Report Proposal: Fundraiser for GPS Trackers to Put On Staxi Chairs in the Vancouver General Hospital
Thank you for the formal report proposal on determining the feasibility of a fundraiser for GPS trackers to be placed on staxi chairs at the Vancouver General Hospital; it is an insightful read. Please kindly find suggestions for improvements below.
First Impressions:
The issues surrounding staxi chairs is a unique topic for a formal report proposal. The significance of the topic is effectively conveyed because of how concise and well-organized the proposal is arranged. The proposed solution is an interesting approach to the problem.
Organization:
The proposal has a logical and systematic structure which enhances comprehension and flow. The use of bold formatting with appropriately titled headings help to effectively organize information. One minor suggestion:
- Using bulleted lists to specify the mandatory tasks and potential fundraiser ideas can increase readability because of the benefits of white space.
Introduction:
The introduction provides a clear, brief insight into the staxi chair availability issue faced by affected individuals, such as hospital patients, healthcare workers, and volunteers. However, comprehension can be improved by providing additional context about staxi chairs; a few suggested details can be found below.
- an explanation of staxi chairs
- the initial process of acquiring a staxi chair
Statement of Problem:
The basic issue of unreliable availability of staxi chairs is properly addressed and explained. It can be beneficial to include possible solutions that have been previously considered and their corresponding concerns to support the search for a better solution; possible solutions can be found below.
- Sign-up process — some visitors want to avoid leaving a record that they have been to the hospital.
- Labels and tags — staxi chairs can be taken to other departments because of how in demand they are.
Proposed Solution:
It is a reasonable solution that also brings awareness to the problem.
Scope:
The questions outlined provide valuable insight for the opinions and perspectives of potential volunteers. However, it is helpful to examine additional areas while determining the feasibility of the proposed solution. Some areas to investigate can be found below.
- What is the length of the fundraising campaign?
- What is the total cost that the fundraiser will aim to raise?
- What are the plans for if a GSP tracker is broken or stolen?
- Who will lead the fundraiser?
Methods, Qualifications, and Conclusion:
These sections are clear and straightforward.
Grammar and Technical Errors:
Please refer to the corresponding section for minor grammatical and technical errors:
Introduction
- In the first sentence, it is not necessary to use a comma before the and.
- In the last sentence, no comma is necessary because the second clause is not independent.
Statement of Problem
- The first sentence can benefit with the use of a semicolon, for example:
- “Currently, there are 30 staxi chairs at VGH; however, less than 7 staxi chairs are regularly at the information desk, which is near the main entrance, because they are not often returned.”
- In the last sentence, no comma is necessary because the second clause is not independent.
Proposed Solution
- In the first sentence, “to place” should be revised as “to be placed.”
- The second sentence is an independent clause; it is necessary to explain the context of “this” or join the dependent clause with another clause.
Scope
- In the second question, “enough” should be further explained; what is enough?
My Qualifications
- In the third sentence, punctuation should be within the quotation marks at the end of a sentence.
- In the last sentence, consistency should be maintained while expressing numbers.
- In the last sentence, there is an extra space between “solution” and “to.”
Conclusion
- In the first sentence, a comma is necessary after the “low availability” element because it is nonessential.
- In the last sentence, a comma is necessary after “your approval.”
Revisions:
Please take into consideration the suggestions proposed in this peer review:
- expanding on what staxi chairs are and the initial process to acquire one;
- strengthening the support for a better solution to the issue by explaining the problems and concerns of previous solutions;
- expanding the scope of determining the feasibility of the proposed solution;
- correcting grammatical and technical errors.
Overall, the proposal is well-thought-out and eloquently written. This research can help raise awareness for the importance of staxi chairs and its lack of availability at the Vancouver General Hospital. I hope you find these suggestions to be beneficial during your revision process. Please feel free to reach out if you have any questions or require further clarification. I look forward to reading your final submission!
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