To: Claire Eccles, ENGL 301 99A Student
From: Eugenia Fasciani, ENGL 301 99A Student
Date: October 21, 2020
Subject: Review of Formal Proposal for Implementing Female Baseball in Post-Secondary Athletics
I have reviewed the first draft of your report for implementing female baseball in post-secondary athletics. Thank you for taking the time to put this proposal together, it was a pleasure to read. Following are some suggestions for further improving this proposal:
First impressions
The report is well-thought-out and offers an insightful outlook into the future of post-secondary female athletics. It encompasses all of the requirements as outlined in the assignment instructions in a way that is easily accessible to the reader. One area of improvement is
Organization
The formal proposal is well-organized and the appropriate formatting is applied to each section. A great job was done exploring all of the different obstacles women face when trying to play baseball after high school. One suggestion is to include an ‘intended audience’ section. That would ensure that the main ideas and supporting evidence is catered to the appropriate readers.
Introduction
This is a good start. The inclusion of the appropriate background information satisfied the requirements for this section and provided a good base for understanding the issue at hand. One possible suggestion would be to consider spelling out acronyms that are not known outside of a niche setting. For instance, “NCAA” and “NAIA” could be spelled out when first introduced in the report. This will ensure that readers that are unfamiliar with the term will not feel alienated.
Statement of Problem
Several problems with regard to females wanting to play baseball at the post-secondary level are identified and the current implications of these unresolved problems are clearly outlined. This section would benefit from identifying and exploring a singular problem, but more on this point later. The third sentence more or less highlights the same argument that is made in the previous sentence. In order to remain concise, consider removing it or expanding on the reasons why there is a lack of collegiate baseball teams for women.
Proposed Solution
While there is interesting information presented in this paragraph, there is confusion surrounding focus on a singular proposed solution that compliments a singular problem identified earlier. While it is understood that the suggestion is to create a female baseball program at the collegiate level, there appears to be a gap between the problem and the solution. Is there a lack of interest/retainment incentive among female athletes? In this case, the proposed solution could be narrowed to include ways to get young women interested in playing baseball for a collegiate team. This analysis could also benefit from summarizing ways to ensure continued interest in the program. If the problem is more logistical (e.g. if there is difficulty in securing coaching, funding, equipment, etc.), then the proposed solution could be addressed from this angle.
Scope
There is a wide range of questions that are being examined under the scope of the proposed solution, which makes for a robust analysis of the problem at hand. Questions 2 and 3 have already been partly answered in this proposal. Most women quit playing baseball upon entering college/university (i.e. retiring from the sport) or these athletes begin playing softball due to the lack of baseball collegiate opportunities for women.
It would be interesting to see the response to question 4 about the importance of a having a female baseball player as a role model. In order to properly analyze this question, it may be helpful to look at empirical statistics that speak to how much this factor has influenced the sports chosen by female athletes. Question 5 is particularly intriguing. One recommendation would be to add another component to it: how much funding is allotted to male and female sports separately and as a whole? This would help to see if there is a disparity in funding between the two groups and what impact that may have with female recruitment. Questions 6 and 7 will shed light on some of the attitudes toward women in baseball, which will help to develop the overall solution.
Methods
Good idea to go straight to the source. A couple of questions arose during the peer-editing process. How exactly will the data be collected from Canadian and American baseball players? Online surveys? It would also be beneficial to clarify what is meant by ‘farm system’ as some may be unfamiliar with that particular term.
Are there any journals or peer-reviewed secondary sources that stand out so far? A starting point could be to determine the experts or academics that have written about the lack of women in baseball. Analyzing work published by such experts may help to contextualize some of the arguments being made in this report.
Qualifications
Excellent job outlining all qualifications for tackling this subject matter. Having first hand experience as both a female baseball and softball player will prove invaluable as this project progresses. The detail presented in this report indicates the passion and dedication for the subject matter. One suggestion would be to include the ways in which support was garnered for baseball at the World Cup and Pan Am Games. Specific examples about any advocacy work would go along way to strengthening this portion of the proposal. Additionally, it may enrich the proposal to highlight other qualifications outside of baseball that would be relevant to conducting this kind of research.
Grammar and Spelling
This report is well-written and the few grammatical errors do not take away from the main messages presented in this document.
Introduction
There is a grammatical issue in the second sentence where “baseball” is capitalized when it should not be. In addition, the last part of the sentence would benefit from revision, “… female softball has garnered far more attention than has female baseball.”
Revisions and Concluding Comments
Please note the suggested revisions in this review that will improve the quality:
- addressing a singular problem will go a long way in helping to produce a clear and concise report
- discussing the option of college-age women playing baseball outside of school may change the scope of the proposed solution
- elaborating more about the ways in which data will be collected will strengthen the methodology portion of this report
- including an ‘intended audience’ section may be useful in catering information to a specific group
Overall, this is an impressive proposal for an important, but often overlooked area. I hope my recommendations are helpful as you complete this assignment. Your report is well on the way, offering solid reasons as to why this problem needs to be addressed. Please let me know if you have any questions.
Link to Claire’s formal proposal: https://blogs.ubc.ca/engl301-99a-2020wa/2020/10/15/assignment-2-1-formal-report-proposal-6/
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