Take out the people/ pronouns: “I” and “You”
Please study this example:
Note how concise and clear the passage without pronouns reads.
The first paragraph of this review is all about the author of the review. Take out the pro-noun “I” and the paragraph is all about the document under review; the tone is clear and to the point.
EXAMPLE:
“I have taken the time to review your term definitions for Distributed systems and I wanted to acknowledge that it was a very concise and informative term that you chosen to write about. I have always been intrigued by certain terms in the computing sciences field, and you have definitely made it an enjoyable experience learning deeper about distributed systems, especially since I have very limited knowledge about it. Furthermore, in the growing world of technology, I believe it is beneficial to acquire more knowledge regarding information technology and computing sciences to advance both professionally and academically (96 words).
Note: never end a sentence with a two-letter word.
REWRITE without pronouns: “I” and “ you”
The term ‘Distributed Systems’ is a good choice for this assignment, the definitions are concise and informative. The field of Computing science is intriguing and acquiring new terms is an enjoyable and beneficial learning experience for the novice professional or academic (41 words).
Example: 169 words
After completing this assignment, the main skill that I obtained from this assignment is the ability to define a complex term. Prior to this assignment, I did not actually know that there are different ways to define a singular term. I had personally always used the sentence method when defining a term. This assignment then also gave me a lot of insight on how academic articles define technical terms and why their methods are extremely effective. One major takeaway from this assignment in regards of my own writing is how easily I assume that everyone will understand the technical terms I use in my writing. For example terms such as real numbers, natural numbers, and integers are all terms that are easy for me to understand due to my knowledge of mathematics, but are most likely difficult for people with no prior knowledge in the field of mathematics to understand. This assignment also will greatly improve my ability to explain mathematical terms to students when I am tutoring mathematics.
Rewrite: 64 words
The definition assignment demonstrates three ways to define a complex term for a novice reader. Researching academic articles provided insight on methods for defining terms. A major ‘take-away’ from the assignment is recognizing that complex technical terms such as ‘real numbers’ and ‘natural numbers’ and ‘integers’ need to be simplified for novice readers. This assignment will be useful for tutoring mathematics in the future.
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Editing out the Pronouns and including details
Please study the examples:
“I enjoyed reading your proposal for the improvement of project team experience in the AMS Game Development Association. Although I have not personally participated in AGDA, it sounds the problem you would like to explore and solve would be very beneficial for students participating in this club. Overall, I think you did a great job introducing AGDA, the problem, solutions, scope, methods, and qualifications. Following are some suggestions for further improving this proposal “(73 words):
The above paragraph needs details:
- What is the problem?
- What is the proposed solution?
- What methods are proposed
I am going to rewrite including the details and editing out the pronouns as an example of how to write clearly (with nouns) and concisely (without pronouns).
“Your proposal for improving participant’s experience with the AMS Game Development Association is enjoyable to read. Solving the problems indicated; unbalanced teams and poor communication, would indeed benefit both the student participants and the Year End Event. The proposed solutions; improving the team development process and increasing communications re instructions and deadlines with participants, define the scope of the investigation and surveying the participants should provide excellent primary data. Following are some suggestions for further improving this proposal (78 words).”
Another example of missing details:
First Impressions: “Your proposal seamlessly followed the recommended structure of a research proposal. It concisely explained the background, clearly indicated the issue, and provided a set of thoughtful possible resolutions for the problem. Overall you have clear segmentation of the contents, covered all main components necessary for a proposal, and ordered the components properly to lead the readers through from the background to the problem then to the proposal, then to the proposal implementation, and finally come to a conclusion. This helps the readers to understand the subject matter quickly. Below, I will give a comment for each component of the proposal:
- What is the issue?
- What are the resolutions?
Rewrite:
First Impressions: Your proposal is correctly organized and concisely explains how human activities and attitudes endanger the conservation of sharks as well as providing reasonable solutions for changing negative public perceptions. Please see the following comments for further details:
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