MEMORANDUM
To: Aleem Tariq, Member of Team Undefined
From: Syed Waqar Ahmed, Member of Team Undefined
Date: November 23, 2020
Subject: Peer Review of writing with YOU attitude.
I was pleased to review your memo to Evan Crisp. The memo provides useful and relevant advice to Evan Crisp on writing using the YOU-attitude. My review of it is as follows:
First Impressions
The memo is concise and well-organized. The body of the memo contains a bulleted list of recommendations which aids in the readability and focus of the document. Each recommendation is introduced as a brief statement followed by a fuller explanation. Providing an explanation for the recommendations makes them more effective as the reader can justify its use for their own benefit instead of seeing it as a pedantic guideline.
Writing Style
The writing style of the memo is positive and emphasizes the benefit of the reader. However, there are elements that can be further harmonized with the YOU-attitude style of writing.
The use of imperatives can be reduced or softened. For example, the imperative phrase “Include a subject in the email ” can be made to sound less direct by rephrasing it as the general prescription: “Including a subject line in the email”. Similarly the phrase “Address your reader by their full title” can be phrased as “Addressing your reader by their title”.
There is some overuse of the “you” or “your” pronoun in the body of the memo. The use of “you” or “your” pronouns should be minimized when they are being used in the context of criticizing or correcting the reader in order to protect the ego of the reader. Instead use an impersonal expression. For example, the sentence “These come across as both insulting and commanding, thus making it less likely you will receive a favourable response.” can be changed to “These can come across as insulting or commanding, thus making it less likely that one will receive a favourable response.”
The subheading “Advice” may be changed to “Recommendations” as the latter is more tactful and sounds less prescriptive.
Some of the recommendations may be rephrased to highlight “benefit to the reader”. For example, the sentence “Greeting your instructor by their full title shows respect to the reader and starts the email off on a pleasant note.” may be rephrased to “Greeting your instructor by their full title shows respect to the reader and they will view you in a more positive light.””
Lastly, an effort should be made to sweep through the text one more time and soften language that may be seen as being condescending or expressing annoyance. It is human nature for people to feel singled out and defensive. Creating a more positive tone that protects the ego of the reader and expresses appreciation instead of annoyance for the reader, can create a virtuous feedback cycle that can make our writing more effective.
Grammar
There were no significant issues regarding grammar. Some suggestions regarding minor punctuation changes are noted below:
Original:
Be courteous and make accommodations for the instructor, as you expect the same in turn; create a list of possible class sections that you can take, and offer to be available to both keep up with the class and reply regularly by email even when away.
Suggested change:
Be courteous and make accommodations for the instructor, as you expect the same in turn. Create a list of possible class sections that you can take, and offer to be available to both keep up with the class and reply regularly by email even when away. (ADDED FULL STOP)
Original:
Professors may receive hundreds of emails each day. Having a subject line is extremely important, as your email may be read sooner given the urgency.
Suggested change:
Professors may receive hundreds of emails each day. Having a subject line is extremely important as your email may be read sooner given the urgency. (REMOVED COMMA)
Concluding Remarks
The written memo is concise and comes across as well-meaning. It contains relevant technical and stylistic recommendations to make Evan Crisp a more effective writer. The memo can be made more effective by incorporating more of the elements of the YOU-Attitude which have been highlighted in the Writing Style section above. A further effort made to soften the language and finding a way, however strained, to express appreciation for the reader, will create a virtuous feedback cycle that will make the reader more open to listening, thereby making our writing more effective. If you have questions and wish to discuss this further, please email me at syedw@student.ucr.edu.
Link to the memo: Aleem Tariq’s memo to Evan Crisp.
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