To: Barton Lui, ENGL 301 99A Student
From: Phoebe Wu, ENGL 301 99A Student
Date: December 10, 2020
Subject: Formal Report Draft Peer Review
Hello Barton,
Thank you for submitting your formal report draft for peer review. Environmental consciousness is a very important and relevant topic, so I enjoyed the perspective of your paper. Below you may find some comments that may help further improve your formal report.
First Impression
The report looks generally well organized and contains interesting figures. Title page strays from the traditional format for formal reports.
Abstract
Abstract covers most relevant items required for an abstract. A brief summary of the conclusion is missing.
Introduction
Introduction is thorough and properly justifies the purpose and need for this report. May be nice to note the percentage of air pollution caused by personal vehicle use, in comparison to other sources of air pollution like commercial shipping and trucking, because the facts presented may lead to the reader believing all rises in asthma and economic loss is directly related to personal vehicle use.
Sources of error/limitations should be relocated to another section like the Conclusion. The ending of the Introduction usually includes a brief conclusion and summary of results.
Data Section
Source of data seems to be largely from secondary data collection and is well researched. However, the adverse effects of greenhouse gases do not seem suitable for the data section. As this report focuses on how to encourage the citizens of Vancouver to switch to more sustainable modes of transportation, this section of research seems more suitable for the Introduction to emphasize why this report is necessary.
The “Factors to Consider …” section is very informative. However, stronger emphasis on primary data collected for this report is suggested. For example, visuals that display the results of the surveys conducted and more explanation as to how each of the factors can influence and be improved upon to encourage other modes of transportation. Furthermore, another section that explores which factors have the most influence would be helpful so the people who read the report will know which factors to prioritize.
Figures need captions and in-text references to show importance and the reason for their inclusion.
Recommendation
All recommendations seem feasible and well thought out. Referencing other metropolitan cities who have implemented similar programs is a strong point. Adding a connection from your results to how the recommendations were generated would make the recommendation even stronger.
Conclusion
Topics listed out in the conclusion are all topics that are worthy of discussion and relevant to the purpose of the paper.
Works Cited
All work cited is properly cited in MLA format.
Style
The report is written in a professional tone but is largely in active voice. Passive voice is usually used for formal reports.
Grammar
Abstract
- The names of chemicals do not need to be capitalized
Introduction
- “These two pollutants are one of the six pollutants” – should be two
- “The number of asthma symptom days reaches …” – what does it mean by “symptom days”?
Data Section
- Consider changing “chemical” to “greenhouse gas”/“gas”/”compound” because “chemical” usually has a negative connotation to it
- Carbon Monoxide does not need to be capitalized
- The “2” in NO2 should be subscript
In conclusion, your report was very interesting to read. I hope the suggestions are useful when writing the final draft, I look forward to reading it. Please contact me if there are any questions or concerns.
Regards,
Phoebe Wu
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