Assignment 3:3 – Peer Review of Claire Eccles’ Formal Report Draft

To: Claire Eccles, ENGL 301 99A Student
From: Eugenia Fasciani, ENGL 301 99A Student
Date: December 10, 2020
Subject: Review of Formal Report Draft

Thank you for providing an engaging formal report draft on the ‘Establishment of a Female Varsity Baseball Program at UBC.’ Listed below are some suggestions for improving the draft and will aid in the process of completing the final report.

First Impressions

This report is off to a good start. Each section is clearly prefaced by a distinguishable and appropriate heading that corresponds to the entry in the table of contents. The revised formal report will benefit from adopting some of the tips outlined in the ‘You Attitude’ writing technique.

Introduction

• The background information is presented in a clear and direct manner, carefully providing the right amount of context to frame the current situation of women’s sports.
• Spelling out words/phrases followed by the acronym in parenthesis will help polish your writing style.
  • Before: “NCAA (National Collegiate Athletic Association).”
  • After: “National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA).”
• This section would benefit from the use of secondary sources to back up the claims being made and the addition of quantitative data would help to contextualize the discrepancy between men’s and women’s sports teams.

Statement of Problem and Proposed Solution

• This section works well as it is descriptive enough to highlight the implications of the problem without being ‘wordy.’
• The proposed solution does not single out a person or an organization, effectively keeping to the guidelines of the ‘You Attitude’ writing technique.

Methods and Scope of Inquiry

• The data sources listed under the methods section are clearly defined and a distinction is made between which primary and secondary sources will be used.
• This draft report would benefit from taking out or limiting the number of times ‘people’ are referenced in the body of the work.
  • For instance, the words “me” and “my” can be replaced or eliminated to better align with the ‘You Attitude’ technique.
• The scope of inquiry outlines intriguing questions to consider that will serve to enrich the overall report.

Data Summary

• The use of pie charts to show percentages/proportional data as it relates to the survey questions is a good idea.
• Adding a percentage to encompass the ‘N/A’ responses in Figure 2 and the “I am not interested in baseball” responses in Figure 4 would be helpful in better communicating the survey results.
• Each question that is under examination is accompanied by a collection of responses and a separate graph, highlighting the importance of the information being presented.
• Including a brief summary of the survey responses to accompany the graphs is an important method for grasping the meaning of the content of a large collection of data.

Summary of Findings

• The summary of findings section is compact, concise and easy to understand.
• Including more details using precise vocabulary will help to clarify to readers the importance of tackling this problem and just how the evidence supports the overall assumption outlined in the introduction.
• Expanding on the idea of “creating a ripple effect in retaining athletes throughout youth,” by using statistics or quotations from another source will strengthen this statement.

Recommendations

• There are some great ideas that should be taken under consideration by the recipients of the final report.
• Lengthening this section by dedicating a few lines to each point being made will indicate whether the suggestions are realistic.
• Elaborating more on the implications of establishing a new club and ways in which it can gain popularity can add a great deal of credibility to the final report.

Works Cited

• No specific outside sources are cited in this draft report.

Grammar

• No notable spelling or grammar mistakes are present.

Concluding Comments

Overall, this report provides an interesting opportunity to address the lack of female sporting opportunities at the post-secondary level. The background information section is particularly informative and each section outlined in this report is well-organized. The draft report is broken down into short, readable paragraphs and the tone is generally positive. Suggestions for improvement primarily relate to:

• Expanding on content by providing more detail to each section.
• Integrating some outside sources to support the main arguments.

Following the tips mentioned above will go a long way in strengthening the recommendations presented in this piece of writing. If you have any further questions, please feel free to email me at: e.fasciani@alumni.ubc.ca.

Claire Eccles Formal Report Draft