Assignment 4:1; Peer Review of Claire Eccles’ International Volunteer Application Package Draft

To: Claire Eccles, ENGL 301 Student
From: Quentin Michalchuk, ENGL 301 Student
Date: December 15^th, 2020
Subject: Peer Review of Claire Eccles’ International Volunteer Application Package Rough Draft

Dear Claire,

Thank you for the intriguing volunteer application package rough draft for a sports development project in South Africa.  The application is well written and demonstrates relevant skills clearly, and with some simplifying of sentences, will be an excellent package.  Please see the comments below for more information.

First Impressions

The application package follows a logical flow, from the advertisement to the cover letter, resume, and finally the reference letter requests.  This highlights the qualifications present for the viewer, which are terrific.  The draft is very strong, however further improvement can be made in a few areas.

Volunteer Position Advertisement

The international volunteer position advertisement is included with MLA citation at the bottom.  A screenshot allows required fields for the application to be viewable to the reader, ensuring active interpretation of the resume for these elements.  Consider expanding on previous travel experience, as it is not evident in the application, and can be included as a supplementary response.  Although the date accessed is not necessarily a part of the MLA citation, it may be kept for clarification.

Cover Letter

The cover letter is well-structured, with the volunteer office creatively addressed in the header and the signature and name at the bottom.  The individual paragraphs adhere to the format of the solicited application letter template in the textbook, clearly outlining self, purpose, qualifications and enthusiasm to the volunteer position.  Only two potential improvements are evident:

• Consider increasing overall formality (e.g. the 2^nd sentence): “I plan to take an academic hiatus to seek extracurricular enjoyment and fulfillment”
• Perhaps adapt the following to better fit the idea of ‘You Attitude’: Applying relevant interests to fit the position (paragraph 3)
• Please scan for sentences that can be simplified for ease of reading: e.g. I would be thrilled to bring the sport of baseball into the lives of Table View kids by running a baseball sports clinic, or to help the continuation of popular sports in South Africa play an important role in youth development. -> I would be thrilled to introduce a baseball clinic or assist in popular local sports, ensuring that they maintain an important developmental role in local youth.
• Consider combining paragraphs 2 and 3 for continuity

Resume

The resume conforms to the reverse chronological template, organized into distinct sections.  It highlights exclusively relevant employment and leadership, addressing almost all of the questions in the application.  Appropriate contact information is included, and the objective aligns with the volunteer position.  Action verbs and key words are used to maintain conciseness.  Some small areas of improvement include:

• Sometimes the Employment section has difficult-to-follow tense changes. Consider elucidating what was done in the past and what is in the present
• Expanding the leadership section into more readable bullet points to highlight each event (as there is enough space to do so)
• Consider changing “Twenty-8” to “twenty-eight” for formatting consistency
• Instead of using a hyphen, consider a colon in the Activities paragraph (e.g. I’m Going to UBC (IGUBC)– ran s –> I’m Going to UBC (IGUBC): ran s)
• Ensure consistent formatting of job description: In general: “Job description. Action verb …”; specific example: “Front Desk Staff. Scheduled camps…”

Reference Letter Requests

All reference letter requests follow the appropriate email format, with all requests being respectful and easy for the reader to understand.  Emails mostly feature professional tone, with You-Attitude being extensively exemplified.  All necessary information (position title, position advertisement, resume) for references is either given or attached.  Proper salutation, gratitude, and positive tone are emphasized.

• Consider reducing redundancy in the last paragraph of all requests by eliminating “If you are willing and able” and instead opting to front (to move to the front of the sentence) “if you wish to accept my offer, please email me…”
• Brad: Second paragraph, 1^st sentence: “that idea” -> “the decision” makes for a clearer sentence, although other rephrasing methods are possible; first and second sentences are very similar, and may be combined or expanded upon for increased differentiation
• All addressees: First sentence: “As you know, I am currently looking to make a shift out of my schooling at UBC and onto a different path for my future”; consider rephrasing for conciseness and formality
• Consider using “enclosure:” instead of “” for increased convention conformity

Grammar and Spelling

Only a few grammatical errors are present:

Resume:

• Employment
• First paragraph: missing article “the” after “coach to” and “Representing”, possible hyphen between “in” and “game”
• Third paragraph: Possible hyphen between “in” and “store”, missing article “the” after “for”; Rephrase second sentence (e.g. “Coordinated and scheduled inter-department operation of youth tournaments and camps”)

Leadership:

• Missing article “the” after “Captain of” in the first sentence
• Activities: Consider omitting “kids”

Reference Letters:

• Gord: Consider splitting the first sentence in two
• Gord: The 3^rd paragraph has mixed tenses. Consider resolving via the following: “The many years you spent guiding the softball team with your knowledge and philosophies has made you an influential figure in my life”
• All addressees: Second sentence: “This would be a great leaping off point for me” -> “This would propel me in a different direction” (just a little awkwardly phrased; consider revising as deemed appropriate or as suggested); “to teach sport to youth” -> “to teach youth sports”

Concluding Comments

It is very difficult to find errors or potential improvements to this application as it is well-constructed, illuminating relevant applicant qualifications.  The following suggestions may improve the application even further:

• Increasing both cover letter and reference letter formality
• Adapting to the “You Attitude” in specific sections of the cover letter
• Simplifying complex sentences for ease of comprehension
• Ensuring tense changes are clarified in the resume
• Expanding the leadership section in the resume for readability
• Addressing small grammatical errors

Thank you for this application, which is well on its way to becoming a template for future students.  The volunteer organization will indeed find your leadership and expertise valuable.  Do not hesitate to ask for further clarification at michalchukq@alumni.ubc.ca.

Enclosure: Claire Eccles’ International Volunteer Application Package