Assignment 4:1 – Peer Review of Hilton Ma’s Application Package

To: Hilton Ma, Member of the ENGL 301A Writing Team, Pencil Pack
From: Eugenia Fasciani, ENGL 301A Student
Date: December 15, 2020
Subject: Peer Review of the Application Package Draft

Dear Hilton,

Thank you for putting together an application package for the pedorthist position with the BioPed Footcare Clinic. It was a pleasure to learn more about your background and interests. Please see below for some additional comments and recommendations.

First Impressions

The application package is correctly labelled and all of the components of the package follow a logical order. Every document is easy to read and concisely written. Some strategic edits in a few places will make the overall package stronger.

Job Advertisement

The job posting contains all of the relevant information necessary to get a sense of what the position entails. Consider using bullet points for some information outlining the working conditions in order to have a more organized documents. Reviewing the MLA citation guidelines for online and governmental sources will help to cultivate overall citation skills.

Cover Letter

Good work on organizing the cover letter according to the solicited formatting. This application letter identifies the writer straight away and makes a connection with the reader. Overall, the letter expresses confidence and enthusiasm throughout. Some areas of improvement include:

• Expanding on the last sentence in the first paragraph to include particular skills that the employer is looking for (e.g.. dependability).
• Outlining specific examples from your résumé in the body of the letter to highlight ways in which particular skills were developed.
  • Before: “As a professional line cook, I am well-versed in coordinating and multitasking under stressful situations.”
  • After: “As a professional line cook, I was responsible for managing and preparing hundreds of orders a week while providing a good customer service experience. This role sharpened my ability to work under pressure and I became adept at multitasking.”
• Adding a paragraph about personal interests with a focus on the “You Attitude” writing technique will help the application to stand out.
• Including the best time to be contacted via telephone, a signature block, and the writer’s full name makes follow up easier for the reader.

Résumé

The résumé follows the reverse chronological template, is organized by subheadings and the first page uses the space wisely. The document includes the relevant contact information as well as the appropriate information regarding work experience and educational experiences. Areas of improvement include:

• Condensing the résumé from two pages to one, in order to eliminate the additional white space at the end.
• Combining the ‘academic status’ section with the ‘education’ section for the purpose of remaining concise.
  • Consider outlining relevant courses that the employer may be interested in.
• Reviewing the formatting of dates to ensure that all of the entries listed in the résumé are consistent and have corresponding months and years.
• Adding an ‘objective’ section shows that the résumé was customized for this particular job application and that the writer’s goals align with the employer’s.
• Including locations (city and province/state) for positions held is consistent with the reverse chronological résumé style.
• Quantifying accomplishments to help recruiters picture impacts of previous work done.
  • Example: “Worked within a team of 20 cooks in preparation of ingredients, sauces, and marinades in a time sensitive and busy environment.”

Reference Letters

Nice work on establishing a connection with the the reader in each of the three reference letters, it makes the exchange seem more personal and genuine. All of the readers are addressed properly and the appropriate enclosures are included with the letters. Some recommendations that apply to all three letters:

• Reviewing the template for business letters will go a long way in giving each of these letters a more polished look.
• Beginning the letter with a connection to the reader rather than the request for a reference increases  the likelihood that the recipient will comply with the request.
• Including a brief description of the job and reasons for applying will help the reader to know what to emphasis in their reference letter.
• Adding an excerpt from the cover letter highlighting any skills relevant to the job will also help the referee to construct a meaningful reference letter.

Spelling and Grammar

Generally speaking, the application package is free from major spelling and grammatical mistakes. A few areas of improvement have been identified:

Cover Letter

• • Before: “One of my experiences were to assist…”
    • After: “One such experience where I assisted…”
  • Before: “Another of my projects…”
    • After: “Another one of my projects…”
  • Before: “I familiarized with tools like AutoCAD…”
    • After: “I familiarized myself with tools like AutoCAD…”

Résumé

• • Before: “Worked with a team of cooks…”
    • After: “Worked within a team of cooks…”

Reference Letters

• • Before: “I enjoyed my time working for you, and I have learned and developed from you.”
    • After: “I enjoyed my time working for you because I was able to learn more about X, thereby developing my skills in ___.”

Conclusion

The application package is off to a good start and is well on its way to becoming a polished piece of work. Going forward, consider the following:

• Focusing on the formatting and layout of business letters and résumés
• Rewriting or omitting details in the résumé that are not relevant to the job description
• Providing more information to the referees about the job that is being applied to and reasons why this job is intriguing for the writer.
• Employing the “You Attitude” writing technique in the body of the cover letter
• Proofreading the application package in order to ensure that minor grammatical issues do not take away from the integrity of the package.

It is not easy to put together a formal application package that caters to the needs of multiple readers. That being said, the BioPed Footcare Clinic would benefit from having you as an employee and the position seems like a great opportunity for any student. If you have additional questions, please feel free to email me at: e.fasciani@alumni.ubc.ca.