To: Quentin Michalchuk, Member of Pencil Pack, English 301 99A Student
From: Claire Eccles, Member of Pencil Pack, English 301 99A Student
Date: December 15, 2020
Subject: Application Package Peer Review
Thank you for the application package submission. The following is a review of your package draft, hopefully coming in handy once the final package is completed.
First Impressions
I was extremely impressed with your resume in particular. Relevant and impressive background knowledge and experience made me confident in your application for the position. There are a couple minor organizational/grammar/spelling errors but other than that this application package was a pleasure to read and review.
Cover Letter
The cover letter is well done. Strengths are highlighted throughout the letter and there is clear relevance between work/volunteer experience and the position being applied to. One suggestion to call attention to would be to adjust the number of times “as well as” is used in the letter. For the first paragraph, having the sentence end after “this job piqued my interest as being both related to my passion in therapeutics and biochemistry,” then beginning the next sentence simply saying “This would be a great opportunity to apply my course acquired laboratory skills,” would still create an impact without a run-on sentence. In this way, having “as well as” in the next paragraph would be its first occurrence. Looking the last sentence of the third paragraph, it could be split up into two different sentences again, and here “as well as” is used twice one after another. Substituting “in addition, on top of, along with,” could mix up word choice.
Resume
You boast an impressive resume, with many achievements and experience that would help land the studentship. A couple suggestions:
- For layout appeal, check to see all the titles are formatted and spaced out the same. “Objective” could have a line break after it, and “Education” has a larger line break than other sections. In addition, aligning all the dates to the far right could create more of a proper looking resume.
- Listing attendance at UBC as present could make “currently enrolled” unneeded to mention as well.
- Awards and achievements could be grouped together into “school,” “music,” “athletics,” “certifications” etc. to match the other sections of groupings.
- Look through and criticize which information is important and specific to have for the studentship position. If all information is relevant, than that is great and it will still fit within the max 2 page resume. Displaying the knowledge that relates to the position will strengthen your application.
Reference Letter Requests
Dr. Biermann reference- The beginning sentence is written with informality, but I am unaware of the relationship with the requested ‘referencer’ as that would affect the professionality of it. Starting the letter off with “I hope you are doing well…” or “My name is Quentin Michalchuk, I was a student in your Engl 321 course this past summer,” or “If you recall, my name is Quentin and I was in your Engl 321….” Depending on the relationship with the professor, keeping the exclamation mark is okay. Grammatically, saying “expressing” instead of “express” at the beginning of the third paragraph and switching the word order of “communicating effectively” are little adjustments to make.
Georgia reference- Consider splitting up and adjusting this sentence as a result in one of the red text areas to appear more concise, “Additionally, although I have not done much bench research, I believe this would be a terrific first opportunity, as I am extremely passionate about oncology, as a prospective summer student of Dr. Lim’s at the Perelman school of medicine in pediatric hematologic oncology (unfortunately, COVID prevented this amazing research opportunity from proceeding).” Again, depending on the relationship, consider periods vs. exclamation points. Lastly, in the third paragraph, remembering the YOU-attitude with considering the reader, modifying “Your reference is of utmost importance” to “Your reference would be of utmost importance” would provide the reader with the feeling that the power to write the reference letter is in their hands and they can still say no (even if they are not going to).
Dr. McMillan reference- Like the other references, there is informality in the introduction and use of exclamation points, which could be fine depending on the relationship. Additionally, adjusting to the YOU-attitude previously mentioned in the Georgia reference could be considered.
Concluding Comments
Overall, I can tell there is a great amount of work and passion that goes behind the position that is being applied to. Fixing up the package with those few suggestions will set you up for success in achieving the studentship position. I wish you luck in your application process, and if you have any further questions, please feel free to email me at claire.eccles4@gmail.com.
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