To: Richard Chen, Team Undefined
From: Syed Ahmed, Team Undefined
Date: Dec 15, 2020
Subject: Peer review of Application Package Draft
Thank you for submitting your application package draft for review. Please find my comments as follows.
First Impression
The application package is complete, well organized, correctly formatted and well composed. The candidate appears to be well-qualified for the position and has produced an impressive application package in support of their application.
Original Job Posting
The original job posting is provided and correctly cited in MLA.
Cover Letter
The cover letter is well written and creates an excellent first impression of the applicant. It addresses the hiring manager by name which shows that the applicant took the time and effort to personalize the letter. The first paragraph indicates the position being applied for. In the introduction to the applicant’s past work experience at PwC, it would aid clarity if the title they held at PwC was mentioned at this point, although it is noted that this information is brought up later on. In order to make the first paragraph more impactful, the following slight alteration might be considered:
Existing: I believe I would be a strong candidate for this position as I understand that Simon Fraser University requires a driven employee able to take initiative and present solutions in a self-sufficient, timely manner.
Revision: I believe I would be a strong candidate for this position as I am a driven employee able to take initiative and present solutions in a self-sufficient, timely manner.
Overall, the letter highlights the impressive achievements of the applicant, demonstrates how their skills and experiences will be useful to the organization and expresses their motivation for the job. All in all, it is a noteworthy credit to the applicant’s application package and an excellent springboard for an interview.
Resume
The resume is strong and concise. It is formatted in reverse chronological order and contains all essential sections. LinkedIn profile information may be included in the contact information section. The objective should be summarized to be no more than two sentences. Also, making it more forward-looking and aligning it with the goals indicated in the job application would be ideal. A sample rewrite might look like:
“As a former accountant with experience in auditing a multitude of small and large businesses across different industries, I look to integrate my experience in business processes with the development of intuitive software that solves key business issues. To that end I am committed to transitioning towards becoming a software developer and life-long learner, whether that is in regards to new technological or business trends.”
“I am looking to integrate my experience in business processes with the development of intuitive software that solves key business issues.”
Reference Letter Requests
The reference letters were enjoyable to read as they demonstrate both professionalism, excellent composition and the YOU-attitude. I’m sure all of these former supervisors will be inclined to view your request favorably and write you excellent letters.
Grammar and tone:
No major grammatical or punctuation issues were noted. The tone was consistently optimistic and professional and employed the YOU-attitude.
The phrasing for this sentence seems somewhat unwieldly: “am currently in pursuit of a second degree in a Bachelor of Computer Science.” and may be revised to: “am currently in pursuit of a second Bachelor’s degree in Computer Science” or “am currently in pursuit of a second degree, that of a Bachelor’s in Computer Science”.
Although the concluding paragraph (referenced below) is appropriate, it may be rewritten with shorter sentences and greater use of active voice which will make it even more impactful.
“Although PwC has provided me with an immense amount of experience in a short period of time, my greater goal is to ground myself in an organization such as the Simon Fraser and provide value through quality work and improvements to existing processes through technology oriented initiatives.”
Conclusion:
I want to congratulate you on making an outstanding job application package. Making some of the changes recommended above would further polish an already outstanding product and make it ready for ‘prime time’. I am convinced that SFU would be lucky to have you. Don’t hesitate to email me on syedw@student.ubc.ca if you have any questions.
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