Peer Review of Christine’s Formal Report Draft

TO: Christine Pang, CARE Team Member
FROM: Erica Friedman, CARE Team Member
DATE: March 17th, 2019
SUBJECT: Peer Review of Formal Report Draft

I enjoyed reading your formal report draft. Please see the review below, including a few suggestions for improvement.

First Impressions:
The report is written in a positive tone, and content flows logically. Editing for spelling, grammar and syntax, would significantly strengthen the report.

Working Title and Title Page:
• Title page is well-organized
• Nice attention-grabbing working title; removing the “A” at the beginning makes it more impactful and concise
• Adding the following elements would be informative:

o date
o running head
o your position at 30 Minute Hit: are you an employee/client?
o 30MH Burnaby’s owner, Teri Brewer (mentioned in the introduction as part of the audience)

Table of Contents:
• Clearly presented
• Adding the heading “Figures and Tables” at the end of the Table of Contents, and listing the corresponding page numbers (within the data section), would be instructive.

Introduction:
• Background, purpose, problem, and research methods are clearly stated; the introduction flows well without the subheadings: “Background” and “Purpose”.
• The report is addressed to the audience; adding audience names and titles to the introduction is redundant.
• Including a brief preview of your conclusions will be helpful for your audience to scan the document.

Following are a few editing suggestions from the text:

i) designed to encouraged women to exercise

suggested change: designed to encourage women to exercise

ii) Since 30MH offers monthly memberships, members are to pay a set amount every month, but will gain unlimited access to the every 30MH gym.

Suggested change: 30MH offers monthly memberships; a flat monthly fee includes unlimited access to all 30MH gyms.

iii) Attendance rates are just as important as sales of membership as because they communicate member interests to the staff, and influences the atmosphere of the gym through the amount of people that are working out.

Suggested change: Attendance rates are just as important as membership sales; they indicate members’ interests, and higher attendance rates improve the atmosphere in the gym.

Combining or editing the last two paragraphs will limit repetition. Example (from Purpose – paragraph 2): I will examine the gym’s current statistics, disseminate the findings from the surveys and interviews collected from 30MH members, review relevant literature regarding the barriers of exercise and strategies to encourage exercise adherence,

Compare with paragraph 3: an examination of the current statistics and previous rewards systems at 30MH, common social, psychological, and environmental barriers to exercise, behavioral techniques suggested to motivate physical activity,

Data Section:
Data section flows logically and shows that a variety of methods were used; findings are clearly interpreted.

Suggestions regarding figures and tables are:

• Including them within the data section where they are referenced, rather than in an appendix
• Adding the source for the figures/tables in the detail below
• Including an omission in the introduction if figures/tables referred to in the text are not included

Editing for brevity would present the data more clearly. Example: Since the number of active members per month have been maintained since 2016, the rewards system will match and even exceed the attendance rate observed in the past 3 years.

Suggested change: The number of active members has been steady since 2016; a rewards system can increase attendance beyond rates from the last 3 years.

Another editing suggestion, for avoiding the possibility of insulting the audience.

From the “What Prevents Exercise Section”: Significant reductions in regular physical activity are prevalent in middle-aged women (25-50 years old)

Two reasons for editing:

i) Using both “middle-aged” and (25-50 years old) is redundant.
ii) Typically, 25-39 year old women are not considered middle aged; this could be insulting for a female audience.

Conclusion:
The report’s findings were accurately and clearly summarized. The recommendations appear to align with the findings.

Concluding Comments:
I think you are doing great work with this report. My suggestions are:

• Editing for spelling, grammar, syntax and brevity
• Including an extra line between paragraphs to create more whitespace
• Moving the figures and tables from the appendix to the data section

If you have any questions, please contact me at erica.friedman@alumni.ubc.ca. Thank you.

Christine’s assignment