To: Kenny Colosie, UBC Student
From: MinZhang Si, Fellow UBC Student
Date: January 31, 2022
Subject: Review Report on Expanded Definition of “Strata Corporation”
Thank you for expanding the definition of “Strata Corporation” and improving my knowledge of the term. Please consider my suggestions that may help you edit your final draft.
Overview
Your expanded definition of “Strata Corporation” is clear and consistent with the described situation. Starting with an introduction that outlines your purpose, your definition remains focused on that purpose throughout. Your writing is well-organized and uses a professional tone. The headings you use are appropriate and carefully guide readers through your definition. Overall, I find your definition informative and considerate of your intended audience.
Suggestions
After reviewing your document and the instructions for 1:3 assignments, I have three minor suggestions for your revisions. First, you may consider paraphrasing and explaining your quotations as you integrate them into your sentences. Your “non-technical readers” might want to have those direct quotations processed for them in advance or kept to a minimum (several short phrases). Introducing quoted materials is important, and equally important is showing your understanding and analysis of those materials by paraphrasing them. In paragraph eight, while the quotations are necessary information that shows how a Strata Corporation differs from a single-family home, they will benefit from better integration and further explanation. The term “detached homes” in one of your quotations, for example, would need explaining.
Second, you may edit for active voice and brevity. In your opening paragraph, you write, “The assignment’s goal is to show how different definitions should be used when speaking with different audiences.” You can change this sentence as follows: “The assignment’s goal is to show how writers/professionals should use different definitions when speaking with different audiences.” Avoiding the passive voice here allows you to show the agent of the action and help your readers get to the meaning faster. Additionally, there are sentences you can trim down by removing certain words or phrases. For example, from your first paragraph, you may remove “below” in this sentence: “In this assignment below, we break down …” You might also remove “In essence” in your closing paragraph.
Finally, you might consider adding a visual of a single-home family as a comparison to the image of the high-risers you already have. It might be that some of your “non-technical readers” might have lived in different countries or cultures and may be confused about the term “single-home family.” A visual may pre-empt their confusion.
Conclusion
Your definition is already strong with its detailed information and use of expansion strategies. Revising your definition based on the suggestions above may further add clarity and readability to your definition.
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