To: Jen Worsham, English 301 Student Writer
From: Varneega Theva, English 301 Student Reviewer
Date: March 19th, 2022
Subject: Peer Review of Formal Report Draft: Proposal to Establish a Volunteer Dental Hygiene Clinic at Our Place Society
Thank you for submitting this proposal for establishing a volunteer dental hygiene clinic at Our Place Society. You have done a great job at identifying a progressive solution for an incredibly important issue within the community. Following are some suggestions for further improving this proposal:
First impressions:
- A major strength of this proposal is how well the proposed solution tackles the issue at hand; the use of volunteers in this plan will help ensure these individuals are receiving quality care
- More details regarding the solution would improve the readability of the report by answering questions such as how volunteers can be obtained or why specifically the “Our Place” facility would be the best fit in terms of location
Organization:
- The cohesiveness and identifiable progression of each section promotes fluidity and readability of the content
- Although the table of contents have alphanumeric subheadings, the body is missing some of its corresponding labels such as the lettering for the “purpose of report” heading
- Missing the visual components of the report and citations at the end
Table of Contents:
- Order of contents are well-structured and outlines all of the elements covered in the report
- This allows the reader to quickly reference and navigate through the report
- The second subsection under the data section is missing its lettering
- Under introduction, the phrase “Purpose of this report” could be rephrased to “Purpose of this inquiry” to be in alignment with subsection E.
Introduction:
- Stellar job at providing an informative background section, it effectively illustrates the accessibility of dental care for the unsheltered community as a serious issue that needs to be addressed, which further highlights its importance to the targeted reader
- Section A could be condensed as some paragraphs show repetition in the content of the information
- Editing any sentences that begin with a numerical value and rephrasing it to either include it in the middle or spelling out the numerical value to allow for better readability
- For example, rephrasing “35,000 people in this country on any particular night find themselves without shelter” to “There are 35,000 people in this country on any particular night who find themselves without shelter”
- Rewording the sentence “The publicly funded, so-called “universal” health care provided in Canada completely excludes dental care of any type” – try to choose language that is non-confrontational
Data Section:
- The interview questions constructed are well-thought out and directly investigate accessibility of hygiene services of unsheltered community members
- Consider removing the Q&A interview from this section and adding it as an appendix section at the end of the report, and elaborating in depth on the results of this interview in this data section instead
- One of the sub-sections were indicated as to be completed upon further collection of research and thus were unavailable for review
Conclusion:
- More details regarding the feasibility and implementation of a mobile volunteer professional dental hygiene clinic should be included in the summary portion
- Removing the phrase “In conclusion..” at the beginning of the paragraph allows for a professional tone
Grammatical and Technical Errors:
One point to note is all citations need to be edited to have them appear before the punctuation instead of after. Otherwise, please refer to the following in regards to minor grammatical errors:
Introduction:
- Section A
- The term “toothbrushing” can be reworded to “brushing teeth”
- The term “sicker” is not a valid term
- Section B
- Consider changing “Fournier et al. state” to “Fournier et al. states”
- Consider changing “an ambulatory setting contribute substantially to high health-care costs and represent an inefficient use of health-care resources” to “an ambulatory setting contributes substantially to high health-care costs and represents an inefficient use of health-care resources”
Conclusion:
- The phrase “disproportionately experiences” should be reworded to “disproportionately experience”
- Further elaboration on why specifically “Our Place Society Centre” is the ideal location to provide zero-cost dental services would provide more clarity for the reader
Overall, this is a great start to completing the final draft of the formal report regarding establishing a volunteer dental hygiene clinic within the community. I hope these suggestions are helpful for the revision process. Please feel free to email at varneega@student.ubc.ca if you have any questions or further clarification.
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