To: Peter Yang, Group Member
From: Matilda Murray, Group Member
Date: 9th June, 2022
Subject: Peer Review of your definition of Medulla Oblongata
I have peer reviewed your assignment, and I think you did a great job. You clearly understood the purpose of the assignment as I, a non-technical reader, could easily understand what the Medulla Oblongata was and was left with very few questions. I think some small revisions can be made to improve the excellent work you have done. Here are my suggestions:
Voice:
In the majority of your work, I think your voice is appropriate. The only issue I noticed was in your section on the history of the Medulla, where you slip into passive voice a few times. The two instances I noted are the sentences beginning: “The brain region was discovered during his procedure…” and “In this discovery he found…”. I would consider rewriting these in an active voice to seem more confident and specify that Levallois is performing the action rather than “he”. I think your tone is appropriate, except in your example, where some of your wording is a little colloquial. You use the word “kid” a couple of times and the phrase “to see what is going on” both of these, I think, might be a little too informal for this assignment.
Clarity:
I think you are reasonably clear with your writing; this is done exceptionally well in your sentence definition and your ‘What is the Medulla’ section. There are a handful of times where you use jargon that I worry may be too complicated for a non-technical reader. I am not sure everyone would know what “vasoconstriction” is (bottom of Page 1). Moreover, your list of conditions and disorders may be a little too advanced for the non-technical reader. Conditions such as aneurysms, strokes, and cancer are common enough not to confuse the reader. However, problems such as Moebius Syndrome, TIAs and Progressive Supranuclear Palsy may cause confusion. I would also rephrase your list of what the Medulla does in your ‘What is The Medulla’ section, as it contains many prepositions, making it hard for readers to follow.
Grammar:
I think this is where the most editing is needed. There are numerous grammatical errors, though most of them are very minor issues. Look at your spacing throughout the assignment and be consistent with your capitalisation of ‘Medulla’ and when you list conditions affecting the Medulla. Your example is almost one entire sentence; I would consider breaking it down to make it easier for readers to read. The sentence: “However, once he removed a specific section of the medulla, however, respiration stopped immediately…” in your history section needs rephrasing as it repeats “however”. These are just a few examples of minor alterations I recommend you make.
Organisation:
I wonder if an Analysis of Parts definition might be helpful. You could explain how elements such as the spinal cord help send messages to the respective parts of the body(or however the Medulla sends messages throughout the body). I think this could help the readers understand the Medulla and how it controls processes such as breathing or digestion. Your example is good; however, rather than stating that the boy’s symptoms are headaches and seizures, maybe he could have symptoms that relate to the functions of the Medulla. I realise you have listed common symptoms of a brain tumour but seeing as there has been no mention of these symptoms relating to the Medulla before, I wonder if a different symptom may be more appropriate.
Parenthetical Definition:
Your sentence and expanded definition are well written. However, I think your parenthetical definition needs to be rewritten as it is not the correct usage of a parenthesis. You should use a parenthetical sentence to add extra information to a complete sentence. If you were to remove what you have said in parenthesis, you would be left with “The Medulla Oblongata is.” which is an incomplete sentence as there is no verb.
Citations:
You have clearly researched your term well and used some great resources. However, your citations should have a hanging indent. I find this easiest to do in Google Docs, highlight what you want to indent, go to “Format”, then click on “Align & Indent”, next go to “Indentation Options”, then on the menu under “Special Indent” you can select “Hanging”. Furthermore, I believe there are some missing citations, your images have to be cited, and I suspect your Etymology section and your introduction may need citing too.
I hope these recommendations help you in improving your assignment. Overall, I think you have made a great first draft of the assignment. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions. I would be very happy to help.
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