To: Piper Kim
From: Madison Strasman
Date: June 29, 2022
Subject: Peer Review of My Proposal for Implementing Dairy-Free Options at Ice Cream on Grand, New Jersey, USA
Hello Piper,
I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your proposal and have learned a lot about the lack of non-dairy options within businesses and especially understanding your personal experiences with customers and interactions at your place of work. Your proposal was very well done and I hope that these suggestions will further help to improve your report.
First Impression
Your proposal was very well constructed, and the subject was thoroughly thought out. The structure and organization were strong. Here I have broken down some suggestions to help better improve your proposal.
Content
- Remained on topic and was easy to understand.
- You made strong support points on why you chose this topic and additionally added proof to aid your proposed solution.
- You seem to shift between the idea of “adding multiple non-dairy options” and “one option”. I recommend you continue with either multiple or one option throughout.
- Your brief definitions of unfamiliar terms is helpful and I recommend you also include a brief definition of kosher because I think this is an interesting characteristic of the shop.
Word Choice
- There were a few areas throughout your proposal which I felt word choice could be improved. I have listed some below and have provided some suggestions for some further assistance.
- “All types of customers” to “A variety of customers”
- “And now it is time to change” to “And now it is time to expand”
- “Having some sort of dairy intolerance” to “Having forms of dairy intolerance”
- “Continues its old ways” to “Does not shift to a more inclusive menu”
- “Costumes” I think you meant “customers”
- “Have demanded a non-dairy ice cream” to “Have inquired about non-dairy options”
Organization
- Your organization of this proposal was presented well.
- I suggestion to provide further context of your audience is to move “This report will be presented to…” from the introduction to audience at the beginning.
Scope
- You have conducted some good questions to consider in the feasibility of implementing non-dairy options.
- A suggestion is to include (if you can get access to this info) the comparison of costs for current ice-cream versus the current cost of their products. How might this difference effect the shop? You currently have some questions like this however, I am not certain if this is what you meant.
Sources
- You have provided an excellent primary source as you have easy contact with this individual and I think this will be a good base for your report.
Conclusion
Overall, this proposal was very well written. I think this is a very strong topic as well and will be very interesting to see where you are able to take this. Non-dairy options are only recently being introduced and it is obvious that these additions are benefitting businesses.
Thank you and please do not hesitate to ask further questions.
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