Peer Review for Brianna of Report Proposal

To: Brianna Diogo, ENGL 301 Student Writer

From: Kristy Vyfschaft, ENGL 301 Student Reviewer

Date: June 29, 2022

Subject: Peer Review of Formal Report Proposal: Re-Organization of Affairs in Regards to Organization and Structural Issues

Thank-you for your research proposal post about re-organizing the affairs for the Rancho Folclorico Cruz de Cristo. You have done a good job demonstrating the need to improve the organization and structure in the association. The following are some recommendations to improve the proposal:

First Impressions:

• The proposal clearly provides evidence of the lack of organization in the club and a lack of respect from the dancers as a result.
• One note overall is to expand on the qualifications listed and how the skills will aid in finding an appropriate solution the problem.
• Be sure to address the proposal to the professor, the formal report will be addressed to the administrator.

Organization:

• The document is well organized with bold headings using the proper format for a research proposal.
• Be sure to add an audience description so that the reader understands who the formal report will be addressed to and if this audience has the authority to act on your recommendations.

Introduction:

• The introduction includes a description of the club and the problems that are the driving purpose of your research, good work.
• Try moving the problem statement to the end and the club description earlier in the paragraph to emphasize the problem. The description earlier allows readers to understand what the organization is before the problem.
• Adding positives or benefits to maintaining the club will increase the readers inclination to move forward with the research – what are the benefits to keeping the club running smoothly?

Statement of the Problem:

• States the problems that are related to the proposal, good job.
• When speaking about the dancers using “participants” rather than “people” could avoid confusion as to which people are being affected.

Proposed Solution:

• Describes the possible solutions well and how these would lead to improved conditions.
• Both presented solutions are realistic and achievable.
• Reduce unnecessary details that could be omitted; it will not reduce the importance of the proposed solution but will get right to the point. i.e. “for decades on end”

Scope:

• Good areas of inquiry to explore. Each could lead to results that inform the presented solutions.

Methods:

• Interviews with members is a good way to gain primary information and including secondary data sources that will supplement and enhance the research. Both lead to credible data sources.
• Rather than “firsthand knowledge”, observations may be a more appropriate and credible source of data.

Qualifications:

• Informs the reader about the long-term involvement and experience with a good understanding of the problems.
• Add research qualifications to add credibility – a student at University of British Columbia
• The comparison to other dance clubs is great. Expanding on “behind the scenes” or “other industry professionals” will help the reader understand how this adds to the qualifications.
• Be sure to relate the qualifications to the proposal – “I am familiar with..” or “I have a clear understanding of the concerns within the club” or something similar.

Conclusion:

• Opening with an action is great, reinforcing the need to move forward with the research.
• Try to relate points in conclusion back to the problems and solutions previously stated. A reminder to the reader why action should be taken.

Grammar and Technical Errors:

Introduction:

• “Disfunctional” – a typo, should be dysfunctional.
• The final sentence opens with “there” and could be more concise about the three groups. Something along these lines may improve readability “The dance groups range from ages 5-25 with each group learning their own dances and travelling to perform in British Columbia.”

Statement of the Problem:

• Reduce or eliminate prefaces and wordy phrases. “Due to the fact” could be eliminated or modified to be more direct in the writing.
• Eliminate “things like” to have a more professional and confident tone.
• The second sentence is full of good information but is long. If the sentence is restructured it will improve clarity.

Proposed Solutions:

• As above try to eliminate prefaces/openers that may not be needed.
• Avoid clutter words (see the textbook).
• Rewording the statements of solutions for clarity, something like “A possible solution improving the organization within the club is the use of a virtual booking system.”

Formatting:

• Remove the colons after the headings
• The subject line could be more specific. Name the club and what the intended purpose is. Maybe try “assessing the feasibility of an organizational system to improve the structure of Ranch Folclorico Cruz de Cristo.” Or something similar.
• On the blog post there is some extra white space between headings, try to re-format this.

Final Remarks and Revisions:

The suggested revisions in the review will improve the overall quality of the document.

• Edit to be concise and use a professional tone
• Add positives or benefits about the club
• Use observations to obtain further credible primary data
• Add research qualifications
• Formatting and technical edits
• Add to the conclusion to relate to the presented problems and solutions

The proposal is well formatted and thought out. It is a good opportunity to improve the formality and structure of the organization, the benefits to the proposed research are clear. Hopefully the suggestions are helpful. If there are any questions about this review, please contact me.

https://blogs.ubc.ca/engl30198a2022s12/2022/06/22/research-proposal-brianna/