To: Brianna Diogo
From: Lovin Kahlon
Date: July 27, 2022
Subject: Peer review of the formal report draft: Assessing the Feasibility of a New Structural System for Rancho Folclorico Cruz de Cristo
Thank you for submitting the formal report for assessing the feasibility of a new structural system at Rancho Folclorico Cruz de Cristo. You have done an outstanding job in providing solutions to the structural and organizational issues in the cultural dancing group at Rancho Folclorico Cruz de Cristo. Following are some suggestions for further improving the formal report.
First Impressions:
- The report addresses the deficiencies in the current dancing group well.
- Great job on providing specific recommendations in the plan to implement a new organizational system.
- Illustrations (minimum two as per assignment) are missing.
- Secondary data is missing
Introduction:
- Detailed background information is included about the cultural dancing group operating at Rancho Folclorico Cruz de Cristo.
- In the background and description section, rephrasing “incredibly disorganized and dysfunctional Portuguese cultural dancing group” will improve the professional tone of the report.
- Avoiding ambiguous sentences will improve the clarity of the report.
For example: Under “purpose of the report”- Many people leave the group due to the fact that they feel as if they are not respected and appreciated, and this leads to constant re-organization, meaning that rehearsal times and performances are full of distractions and unprofessionalism. Are “people” dancers or volunteers?
- Method section is concise and provides adequate detail in methodology.
Plan:
- Building a timetable will provide readers with adequate detail to evaluate the feasibility of the report.
Data Section:
- Presenting a complete analysis of primary data including both surveys and interview questions will help to statistically analyze and draw a meaningful conclusion.
- Ensuring secondary data is included in the formal report will make it objective.
- Including references will provide credibility to the report and support ideas and opinions.
- Providing illustrations will increase visual effectiveness and improve understanding of the report.
- Providing a plan to cover the lawyer fees for volunteers to draw contracts will improve the feasibility of implementing the plan.
Conclusion:
- Reemphasizing the need will refresh the reader’s memory of deficiencies and encourage action.
- Including more information in the summary will reinforce the importance of the report.
- Interpretation of findings is missing (refer to primary and secondary data)
Organization and Design:
- Including page numbers will improve the report’s professionalism.
- In conclusion, the numerological order of headings is not correct as number one is repeated twice.
- Formatting the report to include a timetable, interview findings and secondary data will improve the overall structure of the report.
- Double spacing and indenting all paragraphs provide readers with enhanced readability and sense of continuity.
- Including visuals will ensure better readability and understanding of the report.
Tone and Grammar:
- Keeping the tone confident and encouraging than critical will provide a better connection with the reader.
- Proofreading for spelling mistakes and grammar will avoid confusion and improve clarity.
Original: This leads to things like people being moved around groups due to social politics and not receiving milestrong awards that they have earned………..
Revised: This leads to things like people being moved around groups due to social politics and not receiving milestone awards that they have earned………..
Original: Five topics are convered in this report: what organization systems are most effective for administration……………………..
Revised: Five topics are covered in this report: what organization systems are most effective for administration…………………………
- Avoiding the use of the word “immediately” will soften the tone of the sentence from command to advise.
Original: My recommendation is that these two new installments be introduced to the group immediately
Revised: My recommendation is that these two new installments be introduced to the group in a timely manner.
- Changing wording will improve the conciseness of the report.
Original: Many people leave the group due to the fact that they feel as if they are not respected and appreciated, and this leads to constant re-organization, meaning that rehearsal times and performances are full of distractions and unprofessionalism.
Revised: Many people leave the group because they feel as if they are not respected and appreciated, and this leads to constant re-organization, meaning that rehearsal times and performances are full of distractions and unprofessionalism.
Original: An analysis of these results is important to determine where the areas that were most lacking were and what followed those mistakes.
Revised: An analysis of these results is important to determine lacking areas and what followed those mistakes.
Conclusion:
The report is an impressive first draft and the recommendations provided are realistic and convincing. Following is the summary of suggestions to further improve the report:
- Including interview data and secondary research data along with references
- Including illustrations and interpretation of findings in the report.
- Avoiding ambiguous and run on sentences.
- Reformatting the report to include subsections such as interview findings and timetable
- Keeping the tone confident and encouraging
- Revise grammatical and spelling errors
Thank you for giving me an opportunity to conduct a peer review. I wish you the best in the revision process. If there are any questions, please contact me at kahlon20@ubc.ca
Best,
Lovin Kahlon
Enclosure: FORMAL-REPORT-DRAFT-DIOGO
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