Avoiding Pronouns: examples

The job as a Peer-reviewer is to review the document and provide suggestions for improving. Not to edit or even provide explanations for your suggestions. In a professional context, always consider your readers to be a busy people. Peer-reviews and memos are circulated among a number of people, so YOUR reader is not necessarily the author of the document under review. Accordingly, peer reviews need to be clear, concise, well-organized and detailed. The best way to ensure this, is to self-edit with a focus on removing pronouns: I / you/ they/ the reader/ your/ my/ their/ and ‘it’ 

Example: “After reviewing your document and the instructions for 1:3 assignments, I have three minor suggestions for your revisions. First, you may consider paraphrasing and explaining your quotations as you integrate them into your sentences. Your “non-technical readers” might want to have those direct quotations processed for them in advance or kept to a minimum (several short phrases). Introducing quoted materials is important, and equally important is showing your understanding and analysis of those materials by paraphrasing them. In paragraph eight, while the quotations are necessary information that shows how a Strata Corporation differs from a single-family home, they will benefit from better integration and further explanation. The term “detached homes” in one of your quotations, for example, would need explaining” (120 words/ 10 pronouns).

Rewrite: There are three minor suggestions for improving the definition overall. Consider paraphrasing the quotations and providing some analysis of the process. In paragraph 8, the differences between a Strata corporation and a single-family home, needs further explanation and finally the term ‘detached homes’ could use some clarification (47 words, 0 pronouns).

 Radical REWRITE: The definition needs three minor revisions:

• Paraphrasing the quotations and providing some analysis
• Paragraph 8 re: the differences between a Strata corporation and a single-family home, needs further explanation
• The term ‘detached homes” needs more explanation.

Another way to think about the’ trick’ of avoiding pronouns to improve clarity and conciseness is – to ‘take out the people’

Example: “Upon my first read through the definition, I found that it would be ideal to delve deeper into the comparison of what a single entry bookkeeping system is so that you can make an accurate comparison to double-entry bookkeeping. You do a great job of explaining in what situations we may want to use a single-entry or double-entry system but it would be great to compare specific features and benefits because I am left asking the question why? Why would I want to use this for a larger entity? What are the key benefits to knowing what assets I have? Why might I not care about my assets in a smaller entity situation? ( 113 words, 9 pronouns).

REWRITE: Extending the comparison and contrasting the differences between single and double entry booking keeping would be helpful. What are the specific features and benefits of double entry bookkeeping as compared to single entry? For example, what are the benefits of recording assets? (42 words, 0 pronouns).