Peer Review of Jeemin’s Formal Report Proposal – Samantha Krieg

To: Ms. Jeemin Kim, ENGL 301 Student

From: Ms. Samantha Krieg, ENGL 301 Student

Peer Review / Formal Report Proposal: Improving Bike Rental System App for Foreigners in Seoul

I enjoyed reading your formal report proposal submission for lesson 2:1. Thank you for your hard work. Please consider the following suggestions to help improve the next draft of the proposal and the formal report.

First Impressions:

Overall, the proposal was well written, and only minor improvements are needed. The topic of “Improving Bike Rental System App for Foreigners in Seoul” is quite interesting, and I can empathize with the challenges foreigners experience when attempting to use the app.

Organization:

• The formatting of the proposal is excellent.
• The content is organized logically and flows well.
• The introduction effectively communicates the proposal’s topic and goal to make the app more user-friendly.
• The conclusion is too short and does not summarize all the content, giving the document an abrupt ending.
  • Elaborate on why it is important to acknowledge the needs of non-Korean speakers in Seoul and incorporate other languages.
  • Summarize your inquiry into the app’s payment and verification systems.

Expression:

• The tone of the proposal is professional, and the objective is easily understood.
  • This is the most effective part of the proposal.
• More persuasive language is required in the ‘Statement of Problem’ and ‘Proposed Solution’ sections.
  • Be confident and explicitly identify the benefits of solving the problem for the recipient to motivate them to act.

Content:

• The proposal is understandable and easy to follow, and there is no use of overly technical language.
• There is no audience identified in the proposal.
  • This section is in greatest need of improvement, the audience is crucial in determining the level of detail, tone, and language required.
• No analysis type is identified in the ‘Methods’ section.
  • Please review the ‘Formal Analytical Report’ chapter of the textbook for more information on types of analysis.
• The scope is well defined, and the areas of inquiry identified are clear.
• The areas of inquiry are relevant and will be effective in determining the feasibility of improving the Seoul Public Bike Service for foreigners.
• The ‘My Qualifications’ section is vague.
  • Please add more detail to convince the audience of your merit.
• The use of a survey, interviews of non-Korean speaking people in Seoul, and public data as primary sources is appropriate for the report.
• Using peer-reviewed journal articles and case studies secondary data collection methods will complement the primary sources.

Works Cited:

• There were no works cited in the document.
  • Referencing data sources in the ‘Methods’ section would add credibility to the proposal, helping the recipient evaluate it.

Grammar and Typos:

• There is one minor spelling error in the introduction:
  • Un-manned does not need a hyphen
• The following sections have grammar mistakes:
  • Statement of Problem:
    • “However, the app that is used to rent the bikes is extremely difficult to use for non-Korean speakers.”
    • The app currently offers an option for foreign tourists, but the rates are different, and the app is only partially translated into to English.
  • Methods:
    • Seoul Public Bike system and cases studies of recent payment systems used recently in the public and private sectors.
  • Conclusion:
    • As South Korea becomes more globalized, there is a need to acknowledge the inconveniences that non-Korean speakers are facing every day face daily and accommodate to their needs.
  • Edit the document to be clearer and more concise, for example:
    • “The city says that a large number of users are using these bikes during rush hour, especially as an alternative to crowded subways or buses ever since the pandemic.”
      • Since the pandemic, the city has reported increased bike use during rush hour. Many users consider bike rentals a welcome alternative to crowded subways and buses.

Concluding Comments:

Overall, the proposal was interesting, readable, and professional. I enjoyed reading it and look forward to the formal report. If I were your supervisor or your editor, I would request some minor revisions to the proposal before approval, including:

• Expand the conclusion to summarize the entire document and elaborate on why it is important to acknowledge the needs of non-Korean speakers in Seoul.
• Use more persuasive language when discussing the problem and proposing solutions to motivate the reader.
• Identify the audience and analysis type.
• Elaborate on your qualifications to convince the reader of your capabilities.
• Fix the spelling mistake in the introduction.
• Make the recommended grammar changes to the ‘Statement of Problem,’ ‘Methods,’ and ‘Conclusion’ sections.
• Review the document for clarity and re-write wordy sentences to be more concise.

Thank you for your excellent formal report proposal submission. I hope that these suggestions help you to improve future versions. Please feel free to reach out should you have any questions.

https://blogs.ubc.ca/engl30198a2022s12/2022/06/22/formal-report-proposal-jeemin-kim/