MM Peer Review of Proposal for Danae

To: Danae Echeverria

From: Matilda Murray

Date: 27th June, 2022

Subject: Peer review of report proposal for C Market Coffee

Thank you for the Formal Report Proposal submitted for Unit 2.1. Clearly a lot of hard work and thought was put onto the assignment, please consider the following suggestions to improve the proposal.

First Impression:

My first impression of the proposal is excellent. The proposal displays a clear understanding of the assignment and does a fantastic job addressing all the assignment requirements. There is a little confusion as to whom the proposal is intended for. The word “your” is used a handful of times throughout the proposal, implying that it is addressed to the cafe’s owners rather than the professor.

Organisation:

• The formatting is perfect, and the proposal is organised in a way that is easy to read.
• The four solutions listed in the proposed solution section may be easier to read if formatted as an actual list.
  • Example: Potential strategies can involve changing compensation practices to attract new employees and retain existing ones by:

1. 1. 1. Increasing base and performance pay.
      2. Offering company stock to key employees.
      3. Organising social activities
      4. Allowing flexible schedules to enable a better work-life balance.

Expression:

• Appropriate use of tone
• Ensure the proposal is addressed to Professor Paterson, not C Market Coffee’s employers. The report will be addressed to the employers but not the proposal.

Content:

The proposal contains almost all the required elements, including:

• Audience
  • • To aid the reader it may be helpful to expand a little on the roles of Jun Park and Bridgette Hyun. Are they the owners, the managers?
• Introduction
  • • As the proposal is intended for an audience with little knowledge of C Market Coffee, it may be beneficial to provide some background about the cafe.
      • Example: Where is C Market Coffee located? What are the customers like? Is C Market Coffee a chain?
    • Very well researched.
• Statement of the Problem
• Proposed Solution
• Scope
• Methods
• Qualification
• Conclusion
• The Works Cited section is missing. Please include.

Works Cited:

• In-text citations are present, but the list is missing.
• In the conclusion, it is mentioned that “Labour shortages are not expected to improve for at least a decade” it may be helpful to cite the evidence for this statement.

Grammar and typos:

The proposal is mostly free of grammatical errors apart from a handful of minor issues:

• “According to a study about labour shortage in Canada…” consider rewriting to “…about the labour shortage in Canada…”
• The sentence: “Moreover, C Market Coffee is also paying an opportunity cost when senior staff is forced to spend more time supporting production as it prevents them from working on new projects and high-value activities that can encourage growth.” is quite long. I would consider splitting it into two sentences for easier reading.
• Consider rewording some of the phrases for conciseness:
  • • Original: “In what ways can we communicate the company’s vision…”. Revised: “How can we communicate the company’s vision….”

• • • Original: “The company must have a strong employee foundation with proper compensation and efficient operating systems in order to increase sales faster.” Revised: The company must have a strong employee foundation with proper compensation and efficient operating systems to increase sales faster.

• Typically when abbreviating a word or phrase, one must use the complete word first and refer to the abbreviation in brackets after it. A sentence in the introduction reads: “…the growth of BC’s workforce has fallen since 2000.” consider rewriting to “…the growth of British Columbia’s (BC) workforce has fallen since 2000.” and then use BC for the remainder of the proposal.

Conclusion:

Overall the proposal was impressive and, most importantly, very persuasive. With these suggested alterations, the proposal will be perfect:

• Change whom the proposal is intended for.
• Add more context to the introduction.
• Add more information on the audience.
• Include a works cited list.
• Self-edit grammatical issues.

Excellent work; I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Please let me know if you have any questions.

Formal Report Proposal – Danae