To: Karolina Atehortua, English 301 Student Writer
From: Jennifer Dunbar, English 301 Student Reviewer
Date: February 27, 2023
Subject: Peer Review of Formal Proposal: The Development of a Navigation App for Metrotown Mall to Improve Customer Experience
Thank you for submitting the formal proposal for determining the feasibility of developing a navigation app for Metrotown Mall. You have done a great job in providing a solid background on a current issue while providing a realistic vision to improve the customer’s shopping experience. Please see a breakdown of each section below, highlighting the many strengths shown throughout this document, and some suggestions for improvement.
First Impressions:
This document is well organized and delivers a clear understanding of what problem the proposal is addressing, as well as a clear vision of how the issue can be resolved. In particular, a simple solution using accessible technology establishes how feasible a solution is.
- While the proposal is strong overall, the readability can be improved upon by restructuring some sentences, correcting a few typos and double checking grammar and punctuation.
Organization:
The proposal is well organized with each section clearly defined. The bold headings for each section provide structure for the reader and highlights the specific areas that are to be addressed.
- The tone is consistently professional and it delivers the main points effectively.
- The addition of personal experience in the qualifications section reveals a vested interest in the proposed solution.
- Sentence structure and grammatical choices in some areas should be reviewed to improve overall readability (please see specific comments below).
- One suggestion that may be beneficial includes adding a visual of Metrotown Mall in the form of a map. This will highlight the lack of information desks currently available and strengthen the argument for developing a navigation app.
Introduction:
The introduction provides a sufficient background of Metrotown Mall and reveals that while its size and the amount of stores it houses provides benefits to its customers, it also presents some hurdles. Highlighting the lack of information desks available strengthens this section and clearly states the problem with navigating the mall while also introducing a solution.
Statement of Problem:
A clear statement of the problem is provided, however, as mentioned above, a visual may provide the audience an additional tool to fully understand the scope of the problem.
Proposed Solution:
This section clearly states that using modern day technology to implement a navigation app is a feasible solution, however, a few suggestions include:
- Adding an additional point stating that time spent looking for the customer service desks will reduce shopping time for customers, and retailer revenue, may strengthen the argument.
- Suggesting management add signage in the mall promoting the app would increase awareness and prompt customers to install the app on their phone immediately.
- Providing an example of a mall that has used a navigation app for its customers successfully may elevate the argument early on.
Scope:
Six specific questions that will be used to focus the proposal and assess the feasibility of developing the solution provides a solid outline. One suggestion:
- Adding an additional question about the feasibility of installing signage to promote the app may be beneficial.
Methods:
The plan to use primary (surveys) and secondary (research) sources to design the online app are realistic and feasible in order to reach a variety of customers that visit Metrotown Mall. To actively navigate the mall in person to establish the current number of information stands and calculate their distances from one another is an added benefit to understanding the true scope of the problem.
- In addition to the online surveys that will be distributed, it may be beneficial to survey customers at the mall who are using the information desks to determine any frustrations they may have, and if using an app would have been helpful in saving time.
Grammar and Technical Errors:
Overall, this proposal conveys all the necessary information, however, readability can be improved upon slightly. The merging of select sentences or avoiding run-on sentences are two suggestions, along with fixing some grammatical errors, punctuation choices and typos. Please proofread the entire document and refer to the following suggestions in regards to minor grammatical errors:
Introduction
- Replace ‘on’ with ‘of’ and ‘it’s’ with ‘its’ in the second sentence.
- Replace ‘loose’ with ‘lose’ in the second to last sentence.
- To reduce wordiness and achieve higher readability, a few sentences can be combined:
- Metropolis at Metrotown in Burnaby, B.C. is one of Vancouver’s largest malls, providing a wide range of services to its customers, including shopping, dining and entertainment.
- Nonetheless, these information desks are sparse and occasionally out of service, making it harder for customers to navigate the mall without appropriate guidance.
Intended Audience
- ‘Manager’ should be ‘manager(s)’
- Add a period at the end of the sentence.
Proposed Solution
- The first sentence can be broken down into two sentences after ‘app’ to avoid a run-on sentence.
Revisions:
Please note the suggested revisions in this review that will improve the quality of this proposal:
- Proofreading the entire document for run-on sentences and wordiness.
- Double checking for typos, punctuation choices and grammatical errors.
- Some additional information may be worth considering:
- A map of Metrotown Mall for a visual reference of the problem (size of mall and lack of information desks)
- While doing on-site research, adding an in-person survey for those using the current information desks may provide valuable information.
Overall, this proposal is an excellent example of highlighting a current problem that many customers of Metrotown Mall experience. By tapping into the use of modern technology to provide a much needed solution, this proposal will no doubt be welcomed by management and customers. Thank you for putting in so much thought and effort. It was a pleasure to review and provide feedback, with the added excitement of seeing this come to fruition in the near future. Please do not hesitate to reach out with any questions.
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