Date: Feb 13, 2023
To: Alethea Kramer
From: Carman Chu
Peer Review/Term: Panopticonism
Thank you for your submission of the complex definition for assignment 1.3. Please read over the suggestions for revision below.
First Impressions:
This definition of “panopticonism” looks superb and well-written. The assignment requirements are all met, with minor grammar mistakes and a bit of unclarity. The definition is understood clearly but could be more concise with grammar mistakes corrected; please look below.
Organization:
- Good and detailed introduction of the intended audience and assignment requirements.
- Layout of the definition is well-organized and easy to follow with bolded and enlarged headings.
- Examples and required conditions could be switched to allow more knowledge to better understand the example.
Expression:
- Each definition is clear and easy for the audience to understand the definition.
- Professional tone and straightforward.
- Some long sentences that could be cut short for better understanding, for example:
- “The knowledge of the existence of cameras, which may or may not be visible to passersby, potentially capturing their behaviour at any moment achieves a state of internalized surveillance.”
- This could be shortened to “achieve” and avoid unnecessary wording.
Content:
- The content has all requirements of the assignment, including:
- A comprehensive introduction introducing the intended audience
- 3 different forms of the definition (parenthetical, sentence, expanded)
- 4 different types of expanded definitions (history, visual, example, required conditions)
- A visual (photo)
- A completed works cited list
Visuals:
- A visual is provided to allow the audience to better understand the complex definition.
- More visuals could be added for a more improved explanation and interpretation.
Works Cited List:
- Works cited are correct and properly formatted according to the textbook.
Grammar:
- Grammar is good overall, just minor punctuation errors and the use of unnecessary words
- For example: “While in public, the mere knowledge that one may be visible, impacts behaviour imposes self-policing of actions regardless if the subject is actually being recorded or not.”
- Please note that all punctuation errors use commas in the wrong areas.
Concluding Comments:
Thank you for your detailed explanation of “panopticonism.” It was straightforward to follow along and understand. Please note the following to help improve the definition and could be helpful to enhance the overall understanding of this complex term:
- Reread and edit the entire definition to look for punctuational errors
- Check if there could be confusion between “panopticism and panopticon.”
- Include more visuals to help the audience better understand
- Switching the “required conditions” and “examples” of the expanded definition may allow for a smoother flow
Thank you for your work; I very much enjoyed reviewing your complex definition. Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any more questions.
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