One of the most important aspects of securing a functional relationship is to be able to find someone who can meet your attachment needs. This involves knowing the way to determine your date’s attachment style as well as communicating your own attachment needs. One of the best sources we have found for guidance on navigating the world of attachment styles is the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it can Help You Find–and Keep–Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Below we have included some excerpts on this book that discuss some of the ways you can determine your date’s attachment style and communicate your needs.

The following excerpt discusses the authors’ strong recommendation that in the beginning of a relationship you pay attention to all of the messages coming from your date. These will help you determine your date’s attachment style so that you know what you’re getting into.

“Luckily, without even knowing it, most people give away almost all the information you need to determine their attachment style in their natural, day-to-day actions and words… “In dating situations, your thinking will shift from ‘Does he or she like me?’ to ‘Is this someone I should invest in emotionally? Is he or she capable of giving me what I need?’ Going forward with a relationship will become about choices you have to make. You’ll start asking yourself questions like: “How much is this person capable of intimacy? Is he sending mixed messages or is he genuinely interested in being close?’ Using this chapter [4] as a guide, with time and practice you will develop and fine-tune your ability to determine someone’s attachment style early on. Keep in mind that when you’re excited about someone, your objectivity is compromised and you tend to create a rosy picture of him or her. Anything that doesn’t fit into this picture fades into the background. In the initial stages of dating, however, it’s important to pay equal attention to all messages coming through and address them securely. This will help you determine if the relationship is right for you and ensure it is going in a positive direction” (Levine & Heller, 2012, p.49-50).

So, take it from the experts. In the beginning it is very important to pay attention to all the implications that your date’s behavior may have about what their interaction with you is likely to be like. And be encouraged to know that if you can get this stuff figured out, you can have a very fulfilling relationship. We leave you with the following excerpts from the book to encourage you to embark on a journey of learning about attachment styles and what to do about them. We encourage you to check out this book as soon as you can.

“People with a secure attachment style want to be close; at the same time they are not overly sensitive to rejection. They are also great communicators and know how to get their message across in a way that is straightforward yet not accusing. Once you get close to someone with this attachment style, you don’t have to negotiate intimacy anymore: It becomes a given. This frees both of you to enjoy life and grow. They listen to your point of view and try to make things work in a way that will be acceptable to you both. They have an innate understanding of what a romantic partnership means–namely, that your partner’s well-being is your own and vice versa. These qualities allow you to be your authentic self, which research has shown to be one of the most important factors contributing to your overall happiness and well-being” (Levine & Heller, 2012, p.60-61).

“Ask yourself, what does this particular behavior indicate about his or her attitude toward intimacy and closeness? Are they doing or not doing something because they want to minimize intimacy?” (Levine & Heller, 2012, p.62).

“This is probably one of the most important ways to uncover your partner’s attachment style: Don’t be afraid to express your needs, thoughts, and feelings to your partner!… What often happens when we’re dating is that we censor ourselves for different reasons: We don’t want to sound too eager or needy or we believe it’s too soon to raise a certain topic. However, expressing your needs and true feelings  can be a useful litmus test of the other person’s capacity to meet your needs. The response, in real time, is usually much more telling than anything he or she could ever reveal of their own accord” (Levine & Heller, 2012, p.64).

If you want to learn more, you can read the book we mentioned: Attached.

 

Reference:

Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2012). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find-and keep-love. Penguin.