Okay wait let me be so real, my first reaction reading this was just like why does this already feel so intense for no reason? I went into it thinking it would be more of a nostalgic friendship story, but instead it starts with Lila disappearing and Lenù reacting in such a detached, almost irritated way that it immediately made me question everything about their relationship. It didn’t feel like a normal friendship from the start, and that feeling just kept building. When Lenù explains that Lila didn’t just want to leave but “wanted every one of her cells to disappear, nothing of her ever to be found” (p. 20), that line genuinely stuck with me because it’s such an extreme way of thinking, but it also feels completely real for her character.
What really stood out to me is how Lenù responds to that disappearance. Instead of trying to find Lila, she just starts writing everything she remembers, saying “I turned on the computer and began to write all the details of our story” (p. 23). That moment made it feel like the story isn’t just about their friendship, but about memory and control, like Lenù is trying to hold onto someone who clearly doesn’t want to be held onto. It almost feels a little obsessive, but in a way that makes sense given how intense their connection is.
Even when the story shifts to their childhood, it doesn’t get lighter the way I expected it to. Their friendship literally begins with them walking up these dark stairs toward someone they’re terrified of, “the day we decided to go up the dark stairs… to the door of Don Achille’s apartment” (p. 27). That moment really stayed with me because it shows how their relationship is built on fear and challenge rather than comfort. It’s like from the beginning, Lenù and Lila are pushing each other into situations that are uncomfortable, and that dynamic never really goes away.
Lila especially feels like the kind of person who completely pulls you in without even trying. She’s bold and unpredictable, and Lenù is clearly drawn to her but also slightly afraid of her at the same time. That dynamic felt very real to me because it’s like when you meet someone who has such a strong presence that you start shaping yourself around them without even realizing it.
Overall, this book is way more emotionally intense than I expected, but that’s also what made it so engaging. It doesn’t try to make friendship look simple or comforting, and because of that it feels a lot more honest and hard to look away from.
Discussion Question: To what extent do you think Lenù’s identity is truly her own, and at what point does her admiration for Lila turn into something more like dependence or obsession?
3 replies on “I Support Women’s Rights but She’s Testing Me”
Keshia, thanks for this. You say a lot about the beginning of the book… I wonder if you can say more about how the friendship develops thereafter?
Hi Keshia! I like what you said about memory and control because I didn’t really think about that at first but it’s true that Lenù writing everything down feels like she’s trying to keep Lila from disappearing completely. For the discussion question, I don’t think Lenù’s identity is fully her own for a lot of the book because she is constantly comparing herself to Lila and making decisions based on her. Her admiration starts turning into dependence when she begins measuring her success and worth based on how she compares to Lila instead of what she actually wants for herself.
Totally agree that it’s way more emotionally intense than expected! To answer your question, I think Lenu’s identity is very much tied to Lila since she’s always comparing herself. I think what may seem like admiration in the beginning turns into dependence since Lila is her point of comparison always.