It’s been exactly five months since I returned from India – from being nearly a year abroad. It’s surreal even to look back on how much time has passed and all that has happened until today.

The effects of reverse culture shock kept me company through this semester and the days weren’t always easy to cope with. No matter how much I had mentally prepared myself to embrace the repercussions of being away for so long, I had never expected to have everything hit me so hard. I came back feeling more confident in myself than ever. However, in this familiar – yet unfamiliar – environment, I was at a complete loss of what to turn to now that I had returned. I had envisioned my overseas experience for years that now that graduation and the prospect of ‘real life’ starting, I was struck with fear and hesitancy.

I didn’t know what role I held in this place I called ‘home’ anymore. It was as if the entire world was my oyster, but I didn’t know what to do with it. The future was a huge blank canvas.

What will I do with my degree? Where do I go from here? These questions ran through my brain again and again.

I can’t really explain what it was that caused it because it really was a combination of everything that was happening and not happening to me: I fell into depression. The world turned dark. I came back home but couldn’t find solace in it. Everything had come to a complete stop after moving around for so long. The once passionate spirit I had disappeared in a puff of smoke. I was in utter anguish, floating through a sea of sadness. And suddenly I washed ashore and felt nothing. No pain. No sorrow. No happiness or zeal for life. Just emptiness. I couldn’t even feel fear for the situation I had found myself in. I became a shadow of my former self.

It took everything I had to call for help. And once I did, things did get a bit easier. My colleagues in the GRS program, Brent and Roxana, my professors, counselors, family and friends were extremely supportive of me during this delicate stage. But I knew it wouldn’t be that easy to get rid of depression and I was correct. It didn’t go away. No matter how many people I had behind me, this battle was entirely my own. And I had to learn to put on a braver face than I had ever done before.

I once said to myself that being terrified was a good thing because it meant I was doing something incredibly worthwhile. Testing yourself to your very limits, finding peace with yourself as a person, and emerging from the shadows standing taller than ever – this is the adventure we call Life. It is now the end of April and I am just starting to feel like myself again. I see the magic in everyday things like I used to. I feel stronger (although not invincible) because I experienced what it was like to feel absolutely nothing. And through those dark times, I came to the realization that my passionate spirit was not easily crushed. While I lay motionless on the ground, I could still see the glimmer of blue sky. It was a little voice in my head that told me that I had something to still live for. It told me that I would fly again one day.

Through depression, I learned just how strong I was. And I feel more terrified and braver than ever. And despite the turmoil that I experienced the last few months, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I embrace the depression – this weaker side of myself… because even that side is stronger than I ever thought possible.