Category Archives: Ramblings

Any analyses, rants, observations, and basic ramblings on a variety of topics.

10/7/12

Trials & Revelations in the Field

Field Work is a whole different terrain… even more so in an entirely foreign country where you are considered an alien. It’s been around 3-4 weeks since I have arrived to work at Seva Mandir, a local Indian NGO based in the district of Udaipur. I arrived (as always) bright-eyed, ready to take on whatever challenges would await me during the next 2.5 months. 4 weeks later and I wonder if I’ve even begun.

Here’s the thing about doing field work in an NGO: no one arranges anything for you. You’re on your own. It’s the real deal. Do with it what you will. I thought I had known about this reality long before arriving in my new internship. I really did. It’s only now that I have realized that although I was fully aware of working dynamic at Seva Mandir, I hadn’t really accepted it. I was still stuck in that academic setting where I had so comfortably settled in the last 16 years. In school, you do your homework, study for your tests, get good grades and eventually get praised for all of your hard work. Classes start at 8 and end at 3. There’s a structure to your day. Here in India, I’ve been thrown into the polar opposite. I never have a structured 9 to 5 day – I could be up at 7 in the morning one day and sleep in until 10am another day. There are no set deadlines – except perhaps the looming departure date back home on the other side of the world. No one gives you a set assignment or test. As for praise – you go without. You learn to motivate yourself without reassurance from anyone else.

In short, even 10 years in university could never have prepared me for any of this.

Let me back up and explain just what I’m doing here at Seva Mandir. I’m currently working in the Education Department looking at the NGO’s Youth Resource Center (YRC) program. These YRCs are placed in villages all over the Udaipur district, with the main goal of ‘youth empowerment’ at its core mandate. YRC Facilitators at each YRC organize various activities, discussions, and training programs to teach youth about important government policies, provide a space to talk about social issues, and provide youth with vocational skills in order to better sustain their livelihoods. Such a program aims to shape youth as confident, responsible citizens for future generations. At least, that’s the way it’s supposed to be. In reality, many YRCs are popularly seen as Youth Recreation Centers – attracting small children rather than the large 14-25 age group.

So why isn’t the program working? Many studies and evaluations were conducted, which revealed that there is a clear lack of structure in the YRC program, which makes it difficult to manage and coordinate the countless number of stakeholders involved with YRCs. Hence the main message is often lost and everyone pretty much does whatever they see fit without any effective results. This is when I come in. My goal is to formulate a study to design an effective monitoring and mentoring system between all of the program stakeholders. Basically, create a backbone for the YRCs. It’s a big job, let me tell you.

So I did what I could. I thought long and hard about my research design. I thought about what I would have to do to get the data from the field. I made a plan and countless interview guidelines for all of the stakeholders I would speak with.

Now, I have a Reporting Officer. He’s pretty much my go-to person for this entire project. He’s the current YRC Coordinator and very much dedicated to his work. He even helped all of the interns in getting oriented in Udaipur in his free time. So I go to him and show him everything I have designed and get a thumbs up. Cool. We discuss the arrangements for getting interviews and focus group discussions going in the villages.

And then I wait. And I keep waiting.

Responses from villages are slow. I can’t actually speak with anyone directly because I don’t know Hindi. So I rely on my Reporting Officer and he makes some calls. Any trips I go on are usually arranged by him. But things are still slow and a week or two goes by. The lack of quality translators that can work with me for interviews are frustrating and it takes me a good week to get used to calling potential translators, conducting interviews together as a team, and actually getting some quality data. It’s basically a huge learning process.

Today, I returned from the field with my Reporting Officer, with only one out of three interviews done for the day. Since I hadn’t been feeling well, we had to postpone the discussion to my dismay. So on the way back to Udaipur City, I thought I would have to go back to playing the waiting game when my Reporting Officer asked me what my plans were for tomorrow (Monday). I shrugged and told him I would type up some field notes and wait. Immediately, he made very constructive suggestions for me to take on for the week. Visit the villages you haven’t gone to speak with the YRC Facilitators directly. Go to a village every single day. Get them to understand the importance of your study to the YRC program and have them arrange interview dates for you.

I told him that I couldn’t speak with most of the stakeholders and that I needed help.

He told me get a translator and also added that I should have worked with a translator to make phone calls on my own.

I had to blink. I had not thought to do that. The phone calls, anyway. I never once thought I could take the project into my own hands like that. Faced with the giant language barrier, I had accepted that I had to get a green light from the people around me to get anything done.

Thinking on it now – why? Why didn’t I do exactly as my Reporting Officer said? More importantly, why hadn’t I taken the initiative to think of the solution on my own? I realized on the ride home that I had somehow made myself believe that I couldn’t do anything in such a foreign environment. I had hesitated and resigned to doing really nothing for a good 2 weeks. This wasn’t the ‘me’ that got shit done back home. And by straying from my usual determination, I felt like I had let my Reporting Officer down. See, it’s not his job to tell me exactly what to do. The reason he called me into conducting this study was to get an objective perspective on the YRC Program. This, as the YRC Coordinator, he could not do. In this respect, I was a colleague rather than a subordinate. For me subconsciously, I saw my Reporting Officer as my teacher rather than my mentor. I was writing notes and staring at the blackboard instead of taking the initiative to see him as an advisor to see now and again as I conducted my own study. Instead of asking him to arrange interviews for me, I should have been asking how I could arrange the interviews myself.

So 4 weeks in, and I’ve had a revelation. Enough playing at the drawing board. I want to show my Reporting Officer that he picked the right person for this enormous task. Seven weeks left. Eight villages and numerous stakeholders to speak with. I’ve barely begun. It’s time to hit the ground running.

 

09/5/12

Colour My World.

It hit me just now: the realization that I live in two different worlds.

First is the world I currently live in. Here, my current home is in India. In this country, I wear Ali Baba pants, hop on and off auto rickshaws daily, and brave places that cannot even be called ‘toilets’.  I haggle for everything and bobble my head.  I walk the crowded streets of Jaipur, with a cow passing me every so often so nonchalantly. This is my day-to-day life at present, but in this surreal world, I’m never still. India is only my current stop. This is a world where I’m travelling constantly to new and wondrous places. Meeting new people from all over the world. Experiencing new languages and cultures. This is life I currently live.

Second is the world I left behind. The world as I knew it back in Vancouver, Canada. Where I grew up. Went to school. Had friends, family, and a job that I loved. Sometimes, I close my eyes and try to remember a regular day for me in that world: I slam the snooze on my alarm and groggily shoo my dog out of my bed as I get ready for school. Here I wear jeans, a nice scarf and pea coat, paired off with a pair of black boots. Standard UBC fashion. I race other transiting students out of the skytrain, down the escalator to get first in line to the direct bus to my school campus every morning and hit a couple z’s on the bus ride there. I hurry to my classes, maybe see a friend during break. On weekends I drive to work. I have a permanent layer of chlorine on my skin. Sometimes I walk. Go for a run in the rain. Tumblr. Cram for midterms.

You know, after reminiscing a normal day for me in my world from a year ago, I’m not so sure which one is more surreal – the one then or this current world of mine. There are a lot of spaces in that old world of mine where I have a ton of time I just spent… procrastinating. Daydreaming about this world now. Even though I have a lot more free time abroad (that’s with my fair share of lazy days too), it feels… fuller. That old world is just a flash of events that don’t seem to interlink – as if I was really dreaming that old life and flashing through the mundane bits. There are definitely parts about it that I miss. But more so than that, there is so much more that I want to bring into that old world of mine from this current one. Every day I spend in India is so full of colour (quite literally – the women here wear the brightest scarves and saris) and when I think back to Canada, everything I remember is in hues of grey and blue. Did I really spend all that time cooped in my room? Why didn’t I go out more? Make use of my time? Get to know my own city?

I often think about the day I return to Canada. November 28th. I wonder how I will feel. How I will see the city. My job. My school. My home. There’s a part of me that’s afraid to go back to that old world – afraid that all of the colour I’ve soaked in this year will fade away with the Vancouver rain. I’m afraid that I will find everything the same as I left it.

I don’t want to see it that way. I feel right now, these are two different worlds that belong to me, but they are very much detached from each other. No one in Canada can really know the people I’ve met or the things I’ve experienced out here just like my friends here haven’t a clue about my life back at home. I’m afraid that when I go back, I’ll feel so detached from that world after experiencing this one.

If that old world is in a protective bubble, I stepped out into this new world eight months ago. I don’t want to just go back inside. I want to pop the bubble. I want the colours of this world to seep into my old one. I want my worlds to merge.

So I hope that when I fly back to Canada, I will see everything with new eyes – as Vancouver is only the latest destination in my travels. A new colour in my life.

03/7/12

Tuum Est.

In Latin, it can be roughly translated into “It is yours.” The University of British Columbia wears this motto with pride, displaying it publicly on signs and crests wherever possible. For a long time, I haven’t really liked this translation.

“It is yours” makes it seem like everything in the world is mine for the taking – as if I’m entitled to the best of opportunities out there. It takes out the element of hard work required in making those doors open for myself. It’s saying I don’t have to lift a finger to get ahead in life. “It is yours” takes my education and all my good fortune in life for granted.

The truth is: it isn’t “mine” – at least not from the get-go. That’s why I like opting for an alternative translation that seems to better encompass my UBC experience and the way in which I try to live: “It is up to you.” No opportunity is a ring presented to me on a velvet pillow – it is a door to be wrenched open, to prop open with the tip of my toe, as I make my way through life.  Studying at UBC – studying abroad – merely being present in these environments won’t accomplish anything. Such settings provide me new avenues to explore and critical examine and re-evaluate constantly what I want to do with my life.

So tuum est! The world is large and full of as many wonders as horrors. It’s up to me to find a way to experience as many of the former, while critical working towards dealing with the latter. No one is going to make that happen for me.

03/5/12

Lost in the clouds.

I remember back when I used to chatter on and on about my passions and dreams to any passing person as I stared up at the night sky full of stars. The words always came so easily as they rolled off my tongue, brimming with confidence and longing. It’s as if saying them out loud would bring me one step closer in reaching for those stars.

I think somewhere along the line I’ve forgotten that part of myself. Or perhaps, now that I have taken off the ground, I am now lost in the midst of misty clouds, unable to see the stars as clearly as I once did. I don’t chatter on and on about my passions any more. I’m not as confident in my words as I once was. It’s as if I left a part of me on the ground that day as I took off into the sky. What happened to that girl?

If I know myself at all, I’m sure she’s still there chattering away where no one can see or hear her, staring up at the endless expanse we call sky.

02/12/12

I wish I was an iPod so I could plug into a computer to recharge my energy battery.

Instead I spend the entire day basically resting up from the long night I had earlier. After a week’s worth of constant socializing, fun, and a night full of sushi, drinks, and good company to top off my week – I started to feel the effects of over-socializing. I’m not naturally a socializer – it takes a lot of effort on my part to talk to people. That doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy being around people – it just means I need my own time to unwind and be off on my own to rest up, reflect, and enjoy my own silent company once in awhile. It’s taken me a lot of hard work to become a better socializer and now it’s much easier for me to do so and recharge afterwards. It’s a fine balance.

A lot of people don’t believe me when I tell them that I used to be very, very shy. I guess it makes me really appreciate the long-term friends I have at home who have seen me grow into the person that I am today. But coming to Norway and meeting new people every day has shown me just how much I have grown. Even I can’t believe that the girl who just three years ago was very much a guarded person could have done a complete 180 into becoming a social butterfly. And it’s not that I’ve changed my personality in a short couple years but the fact that I’ve opened myself up to others – to have accepted and be willing to show others who I am – that has brought me here. This me right now – this me is who I really am. Not that shy girl from all those years ago.

It’s amazing just how much you can soar when you learn to love yourself.

01/31/12

Room-mates.

So coming here to Norway is the first real time that I’ve really lived on my own – cooking and cleaning for myself, especially. I was a bit nervous about it… feeling more like a kid who doesn’t know how to take care of herself. But within one week of staying in Aas, I’m adjusting quite nicely. I’ve gotten groceries (albeit still working out how much I eat in a week and staying under budget), done laundry, cleaned, and cooked decent enough meals for myself. I could probably be a lot faster in the cooking department, but that will get better with time I’m sure.

I currently live in a flat of six people, which consists of two Norwegian guys W and E, one Norwegian girl C, one Nepalese guy H, and a recent addition to the flat, a French girl D as well as myself. They are all very nice but most keep to themselves and their own circles of friends. W and E are pretty tight and are actually moving out in the coming weeks, leaving me, D, C, and H left in our flat – a nice change from a male majority to a female one. If it’s one thing I’ve noticed, a flat with boys isn’t the cleanest flat. And if I’ve learned anything in the last week, I have a certain level of cleanliness I need to maintain where I live in order to be comfortable. Twenty years of living under my mother’s care has given me this.

My interactions with my flatmates consisted mainly of talking and joking with W + E as they were out in the common area the most. I hardly saw C and I only really caught H when he had company over or if we happened to be cooking at the same time. So all in all, it wasn’t the most cohesive of units. I didn’t mind too much because I made friends fast with others in rez.

I finally ran into C today as I was making dinner and we finally got to talking. She is very nice – not shy, like I assumed her to be because I saw her so rarely (according to W, no one had really seen her around even last term). As I talked with her, I grew to understand that one of the reasons she kept to herself (and even showered at the gym instead of in the flat) was because she was sick of cleaning up after five guy roommates all the time. They had started a cleaning schedule long ago, but the guys hardly kept up with it, leaving C all by herself to keep the flat tidy. I assured her that I would do my best to keep the place tidyand I talked about setting up a cleaning duty list on the fridge. She smiled and I kept chopping vegetables for dinner.

When I came back out after eating in my room, I found that C had already made up a cleaning duty list of all the rooms, with her name jotted down nicely each week in one of the four boxes (Floor, Kitchen, Bathroom, Garbage). I guess she was very relieved to have more girls in the flat as opposed to boys. Don’t get me wrong, W + E + H are all very nice and reasonable, but they aren’t necessarily the tidiest bunch.  I always envied my other Canadian friend, S, who came here with me that had been put in a flat with mostly girls. Their flat was very neat and cozy. Hopefully with me and D in the picture, we’ll keep our flat nice and clean. 🙂

After dinner, D – who had her other French girl friends over – invited me to watch episodes of How I Met Your Mother with them. I happily joined them until I decided to tuck in due to jet lag.

So this is my life now – where I call ‘home’ at the moment. How everything is organized is still in the works but every day turns out brighter with a new conversation, clean counter-tops, and a busy common area.

Looks like I’m well on my way to taking care of myself and living with others.

01/26/12

Guess who has internet access?

THIS GIRL. With a day and a half gone since I arrived in Aas, I have a lot to write about. But where to begin? I don’t usually like to word vomit onto a page without a clear direction, but in this case, I think I just need to get the gist of everything out. Look forward to posts that are much more focused on one subject at a time as I continue my adventures in Norway. 😀

Well, for starters, my flights to Iceland (7.5 hours) and to Norway (~3 hours) went very smoothly. I had an entire row of seats to myself for the longer one, which was nice. Meals weren’t provided but I didn’t mind – I brought enough food and I can’t handle airplane food anyway.

(First look at Norway!)

Then there was arrival in Oslo Airport – bag check went very quickly, with my luggage all in one piece. There was a bit of time dawdling on exchanging currencies and debating if I should get a 30-day transit pass for ~$160 CAD. I got it in the end and fully intend to make best use of it. 😐 About 5 round trips to and from Oslo should do it.

Train ride to Aas was absolutely brutal. Correction: taking my heavy luggage on and off the train was brutal. My arms were falling off and my hands were raw from holding onto the bags tightly for a long time.

After the train ride, I got really lucky when the very person I saw literally seconds after getting off the train happened to be the other girl from my program back at UBC, S, who had arrived a few days before me. She graciously offered to help lug my heavy bags to where I was staying and we almost died walking across snow and ice doing it. But I saved a bit of money by not calling a taxi.

It was around 4-5PM when I reached the rez I was staying in. My roommates: two Norwegian guys, one Norwegian girl, and one guy from Nepal. The two Norwegian guys are very nice and helpful (one’s social, the other quite shy). I’m on nodding terms with Nepal and the girl I haven’t had the chance to talking to just yet. They all seem quite nice though… and the place is clean enough for me not to complain.

I spend the rest of the night unpacking (still lots to do) and arranging my room.

(Desk and a window looking out to the other residences)

(Couldn’t sleep so I put up the photos + postcards I brought with me)

(All five of us share a bathroom, but we each have our own sink in our room. :D)

(Ice rink! One of three on campus… on frozen concrete for beginners not ready for frozen ponds.)

(Colourful buildings really pop because of the snow)

(Main UMB buildings)

(My faculty [Noragric] building! 😀 So excite!)

Jetlag prevented me from having adequate sleep, so I started today off quite late. Since I didn’t have internet access at all, I made a visit to the IT building and they set everything up for me quite easily. The IT guy kindly printed out a campus map and directed me to SiT (Student Information Centre) where they helped me get set up for courses, etc. AND I made a new friend, Natalie, a masters student from Singapore. Such an amazing girl – she showed me around campus AND the town of Aas, as well as took me shopping at the best places. Sheer luck again. 😀

I spent waaay too much on groceries (for first time grocery shopping, I guess to be expected) – I’ll be going over my receipt and seeing how I can manage for future visits. Norway is much too expensive (oh my poor bank account) – but the shopping went smoothly because Natalie was there with me to help.

With some help, I got back home. Cooked for myself for the first time since I arrived, making enough pasta to last me tomorrow and probably the next day. Tried out my new internet connection and skyped with my family, which was really lovely. A lot of firsts today. I’m looking forward to experiencing a lot more (and trying not to cry over my bank account).

So what’s scheduled for tomorrow? More on-campus logistics, VISA stuff in Ski, and a visit to Oslo’s IKEA if I have the time! 😀 Have to make use that pricey transit pass somehow.

01/24/12

BRB, crying my heart out in front of Gate S-12.

So I’ve arrived in Seattle quite ahead of schedule, with stops to eat and shop at an outlet mall (I needed a folding shoulder bag and found a beautiful one on sale) with my wonderful mother. The last couple of hours we had together calmed me down after the freak-out I had earlier in the morning. I felt good. Excited with butterflies in my tummy.

I was ready and bag check went smoothly, thankfully (hooray for early bird no lines!). But as soon as I turned to say good-bye to my mom in front of the security check, I saw her start to tear up, which triggered my own tears. I smiled and said farewell with lots of hugs, kisses, and tears as I walked towards security. Mom waited on the other side of the rope watching me as I drew farther away from her. Each second a part was painful and I felt like a 5-year-old lost alone in the mall. I couldn’t stop crying – still can’t really. I’m probably going to bawl on the entire plane ride to Iceland. And then to Norway. The full 10 hours. Nearby passengers are going to hate me.

I usually love wandering around on my own, but walking through the airport to find my gate was absolutely terrifying. I became Paranoid Parrot x 10000000000000000% as my brain kept believing that I had forgotten something important – which I hadn’t (at least I don’t think so).

So here I am, killing the 2-hour wait before I board the plane, ingraining the images of farewells and last looks I had with my family only this morning: my brother getting up at 6AM to say goodbye with a hug. My dog curiously watching me close the front door as I left the house. My dad surprising me by hoisting me up into the air for an enormous bear hug and never losing sight of the car as my mom and I drove away from home. My mom’s tear-stained smile as she finished hugging me gently for the third time.

Having a computer with internet access helps. Supportive FB messages and Tumblr replies (and even the cute tweet from my dad) keep me smiling. Yes, this is probably the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to deal with so far in my life. Yes, I am bawling my eyes out. Yes, I still firmly believe that I’m on the right path I’ve chosen for myself. This is it – my first step into the world. I will come back to Vancouver one day, but as of now let me call you… Home.

01/20/12

The Roller-Coaster Effect

I’m freaking out because I don’t feel at all prepared for this exchange. But the point is that I can never be prepared for something like this. I don’t know what it’s going to be like in Norway, or anywhere else I might find myself. I can’t plan out every detail to the T – all I can do is prepare for the worst. But I still feel like I don’t know anything – like a small child being thrust into the deep end of the pool when she doesn’t know how to float yet. When I went shopping today with my mom, I felt even smaller when she would mention important things that I had gone over but had forgotten, or even things that I didn’t even think about. In her spare time, she had read travel blogs and located places where I could cash in traveller’s cheques, etc. and here I was, still unable to quite remember what classes I had listed to take. When I told her how I would pack something, she would point out something I didn’t consider and give a better alternative and all I could do was sheepishly pout. I’m such a child around my mother.

But that’s the whole point of this trip, isn’t it? To leave my comfort zone. To stop being coddled and take care of myself. To take the leap into the deep end of the pool willingly and not drown. That means not knowing what I’m really getting myself into. That means being brave even though I’m exci-terrified. I’m finally taking flight with my own two wings.

I am sitting alone in the first car of a roller-coaster, the heavy clinking of the track chain pulling me up towards the top of the hill. I’m nearly at the top now, and every day that passes is another clink uphill. In four days, I will be at the top of the tracks, about to take the first plunge.

What will await me?

I hold my breath. I don’t know. The truth is, I won’t until gravity pulls me downward. I won’t know until I finish the roller-coaster ride and get off. What I am confident in is the fact that I chose to ride this particular ride and that with every roller-coaster I’ve ridden in my life, I’ve always said at the end:

“Let’s do that again!”

01/15/12

Strength and Love

Without either, I would not be the person I am today. Strength and love are what I have after almost three years of learning to love and rediscover myself every day.

Strength lifted my head high towards the clouds when I felt so alone on the ground. I grow stronger every day. With every obstacle I face, I trip and stand taller than ever – ready for more. And in those moments when I feel as if I’ve lost all my strength – when I have fallen – I have love. I receive such wonderful love and support from my family and friends; I can count on them to give me a helping hand to reach for when I have tripped and can’t get up on my own. They give me my strength. Love is what gets me through each morning as I stand before my bathroom mirror. The lifelong romance I have with myself my most valuable relationship in my life. It is with this self-love in which I build my self-confidence, bravery, and determination in the pursuit of my many passions. It is self-love that returns me back to my roots – my identity – and what I stand for when I feel lost. And through self-love I am constantly rediscovering and reinventing myself. It is through learning how to love myself that I grew to understand and embrace being alone. Self-love taught me strength and it opened me up to embrace the love of those around me so I didn’t have to always be on my own. Truthfully, I am never alone anymore.

This morning, upon waking, I looked out the window up at the winter sky overhead. An endless blue. So full of wonder and at night, so full of stars. The stars dazzle me with the inspirational people I have met and the precious experiences I have thus gathered. These are the things that shown me the beauty of the sky. But it is the expanse of clear day blue – so limitless and serene – that excites me most. I ask myself what is up there waiting for me. I’m almost ready to sprint as I spread my wings for the first time and take off into that beautiful sky, ready for anything to be thrown in my way. After all, with strength and love, I am unstoppable.