Category Archives: Philosophy

04/22/14

Asking myself the right questions.

I had a wonderful talk over coffee and cheesecake with a good friend of mine the other day. We discussed graduating and what was in store for us in the future. We talked about what we wanted out of life and how much we realized we had grown as people in the last five years. It’s fascinating how it’s more often our perspectives, not our passions, which change.

For instance, I always thought I would be a person who would drop everything and fly off to a foreign country for years at a time, working directly in the field of development. As I’ve grown older, experiencing all sorts of relationships and events, I’ve learned that put great value in the personal relationships and community I grow apart of. Suddenly, the idea of flying away by sacrificing what and who I have at this very moment seems surreal. But this shift in mindset is not me changing my mind about my passion. Not at all – I still greatly desire to learn to empower others to empower themselves – especially those who are disadvantaged and vulnerable.  But what I have realized is that pursuing just this sole passion would lead to an empty sort of life for myself.

To put it simply, it’s like I’ve been running towards a finish line of creating my career and in doing so, I have discounted my life as it is at present. I’ve been asking myself, “What do I want to do with my life?” instead of, “How do I wish to live my life?” Just a simple switch in focus in these questions makes an incredible difference in how I relate to myself and my life to come.

I want to be a part of a community – global and local. I want to meet people from all over the world – with all sorts of stories to share. I feel a duty to help my fellow human kin. But I will not pretend to have completely altruistic reasons to live for such things. These are the things that make me happy in my life. The questions I ask myself in how to go about doing all of these things challenge me to broaden my horizons and make me feel fulfilled. From now on, I want to keep asking myself how  I will live my life in the present instead of wondering what the future holds. The future is written here.

04/8/14

And just like that, everything changed.

But perhaps it didn’t. Maybe, I just didn’t see things as clearly as I once thought.

I didn’t get into the UBC School of Nursing. Although I was close, it wasn’t meant to be.

The last two weeks were extremely stressful while waiting for a response from the school, and it was like a cold bucket of ice water had dropped over me when I received the rejection email. I didn’t know what to think. But then I took a deep breath. Then another.

“What now?”

The question startled me more than I thought. I would apply to other schools. I would apply again next year. These answers, which seemed so sensible before I saw the email suddenly seemed less so. Over the course of the next few days, I pondered on this question quite a bit in a sort of calm, dreamy daze. What did I want out of life?

Did I really want to be a nurse in the first place? No, I didn’t. I always felt it was a means to an end. A profession that would help me achieve what it was I really wanted.

So what did I want? I still don’t have a concrete answer to that question. I think I’ll spend my entire life answering that one.

What I did know was that a year ago, I would have been aghast at this turn of events. But this was a year later, and I was a different person. Looking back at my last five years at UBC, I knew that each year made me who I am; those were years I would never take back. Nothing was wasted. But my time with academics had to come to an end. That much was certain.

There is so much that school cannot teach me. There is so much to learn in this grand world we live in – I have yet to experience even a small taste of it. I may not know where I’m going now, but I know that I want to try new things, learn, and build my experiences into something I can be proud of. This determination and passion is what I have fostered in my years at UBC.

So what do I want? What do I know after all these years?

I love to travel.

I have an avid interest in the social determinants of health and mental health.

I work well and love to work with children and youth.

I am a complete people person. I need that face-to-face interaction. I want to build community.

I am a firm believer in self-empowerment through community and activity as a means of social change.

Having loved ones near me and being a part of a community is very important to me.

These are the things I have learned among many others. These are the precious gems I take with me as I build on myself. These are what I need to keep in mind – reflect on – as I march onward.

Everything changed and nothing did. I am still on the same journey – but taking the longer, winding road.

06/9/13

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I was writing a rant/vent post about how frustrated I was with how little I seemed to be progressing in terms of change. I hated how I was dwelling on my problems and there seemed to be no end in sight.

Then I deleted it.

I was writing it as I vented about it to a friend but I had a revelation as we talked. And suddenly, I wasn’t venting anymore. I was working things out in a positive way to overcome my problems and she acted as my soundboard. After that mental click, what I had been writing as a tumblr post suddenly didn’t seem so useful anymore.

So here’s a new post – one that highlights what I have learned and the tools I am utilizing to make peace with myself.

We as individuals are responsible for our happiness. No one else… although we have the penchant for blaming the world and others as excuses not to pursue our own forms of happiness.

I am sick of dwelling on the past, on negativity, and on apathy. I don’t want to make excuses anymore.

I used to bottle up emotions. I learned to talk and reach out for help. I learned to vent. But now venting is leading me to dwell. There is a step missing in reaching my goals and I’ve stalled in my progress.

I used to think that activities like running, reading, and exercise were a way to run away from these problems. And I’ve been looking to become at peace with inner issues through the discovery of external solutions or just time. But this is the link: running isn’t distracting me from my problems – it’s a way to stop dwelling on them so I can overcome them. It’s replacing negativity with positivity. It’s saying ‘can’ over ‘can’t’. 


I’ve found my answer.

01/16/13

This is what learning should be.

On Wednesdays, I only have one class. It’s not even really a class – it’s like a gathering for everyone in my degree program. We meet. We discuss one topic together and we put our ideas to action. These classes always leave me in a state of inspirational euphoria as I imagine the grand possibilities that we as students can make into reality. I think that’s what I loved most when I transferred out of the Faculty of Science. I found a community on campus to which I could belong to. And I’ve learned more here by talking to people than I ever have in any silly 300-student lecture.

I’ve taken this take on learning as a collective – teaching one another – as my favourite way to learn anything. Being abroad for a year, I can safely say that although my lecture classes in Norway were fascinating, they weren’t the most valuable tidbits of knowledge I gained on my journey. 4-hour bus rides talking with a friend about our passions and education, debating the similarities and differences between Norway, India, and Canada in terms of development issues, along with the street smarts I gained whilst travelling solo are what I keep with me. Conversation. Action. The world outside the standard lecture classroom – one with interaction and discussion are my teachers.

So courses I’m taking this term?

1. Urban Studies seminar. Completely interdisciplinary. Free reign of course readings, discussion and research topics. The professor sits among us as we face each other in a circle. And we talk. We learn.

2. Urban Research lab. This is hands on. Interdisciplinary again, which is great. You get to work with numbers and facts although knowledge of such things are not a prerequisite. You learn from each other and work together to work on specific research projects based on issues in the real world. Research that can actually impact reality.

3. Public Policy. This is a lecture style. But it’s interactive. Half the class is brainstorming and talking amongst ourselves. We are expected to think and speak up instead of absorbing everything like silent sponges. How it should be.

4. Directed Studies. This is an amazing opportunity to work on a project outside of the classroom and get credit for it. For this, I chose to research and survey how to deal with the logistics of creating a student Community Kitchen in the new SUB. Hands-on project. Practical experience. Interaction with the outer community and other stakeholders as a team. No silly lectures. And I get credit for it.

I guess if I’ve discovered anything by my last term at UBC, it’s how I learn best. How I think anyone should learn. I know so many students who aren’t aware of how flexible their university education can be. It doesn’t have to be one straight way. Yes, I’m lucky to be in a faculty (and program) that supports such flexibility, but I know of so many people in other faculties who have found a way to make their education their own too.

So in a really rambling way, what I’m trying to say is that we should really think of education as something out of the box called ‘the classroom’. Or at least, reshape what we think of a classroom to be. In the end, students will come out being better thinkers, leaders, and more confident individuals.

01/15/12

Strength and Love

Without either, I would not be the person I am today. Strength and love are what I have after almost three years of learning to love and rediscover myself every day.

Strength lifted my head high towards the clouds when I felt so alone on the ground. I grow stronger every day. With every obstacle I face, I trip and stand taller than ever – ready for more. And in those moments when I feel as if I’ve lost all my strength – when I have fallen – I have love. I receive such wonderful love and support from my family and friends; I can count on them to give me a helping hand to reach for when I have tripped and can’t get up on my own. They give me my strength. Love is what gets me through each morning as I stand before my bathroom mirror. The lifelong romance I have with myself my most valuable relationship in my life. It is with this self-love in which I build my self-confidence, bravery, and determination in the pursuit of my many passions. It is self-love that returns me back to my roots – my identity – and what I stand for when I feel lost. And through self-love I am constantly rediscovering and reinventing myself. It is through learning how to love myself that I grew to understand and embrace being alone. Self-love taught me strength and it opened me up to embrace the love of those around me so I didn’t have to always be on my own. Truthfully, I am never alone anymore.

This morning, upon waking, I looked out the window up at the winter sky overhead. An endless blue. So full of wonder and at night, so full of stars. The stars dazzle me with the inspirational people I have met and the precious experiences I have thus gathered. These are the things that shown me the beauty of the sky. But it is the expanse of clear day blue – so limitless and serene – that excites me most. I ask myself what is up there waiting for me. I’m almost ready to sprint as I spread my wings for the first time and take off into that beautiful sky, ready for anything to be thrown in my way. After all, with strength and love, I am unstoppable.

01/2/12

Hello and Goodbye

It’s the start of a new year, which calls for a moment of reflection of who I am and how far I’ve come – especially with the advent of my departure to Norway drawing closer every day. The fact that I’ve been planning this adventure for over a year and that I’m about to embark on it all on my own in just a couple of weeks is surreal. Classes in Norway. Backpacking through Europe. Field Research in Tanzania. I’m about to leave everything I know behind to explore what is unknown all on my own. The idea is exciting and terrifying at the same time. But if I think about it, anything worthwhile I have ever done or accomplished in my life has felt the same way: exciting and terrifying. This year-long exchange is no different.

When you know that you’re going to be leaving home, you start to appreciate everything that you have so much more. For me, it was a number of things: my favourite pair of shoes, being woken up to my parents chatting downstairs during breakfast, the jingling of my dog’s collar – even my brother’s tendency to tell me interesting facts and tidbits at inconvenient times. Even the routine of transiting to UBC or heading off the work and taking in the soothing smell of pool chlorine seemed all the more precious to me. I started to count ‘lasts’ in the latter months of 2011: last Imagine Day, last day of teaching swimming lessons, last Halloween, last day of classes, last time I’ll see my friends until next year. All of these little things in my ordinary life seemed extraordinary and I realized just how much everyone I’ve met and everything I’ve experienced have shaped me to be the person I am today. And as this person, I will grow to change even more with this new adventure.

I have never left home on my own for so long in my life. Two weeks were the longest I’ve been away just from my family. I feel like nothing more than a coddled child if I had to be perfectly honest. This exchange, if anything, will force me to grow up very quickly. I have had days where I would curl myself up under my bed covers because I was afraid of taking such a big leap out of the comforts of bubble called home. Often I feel like I know nothing and would have nothing to offer when I would have the opportunity to meet and work with people abroad. But then I stop myself to think about what I do know and what I have experienced. I think about the place that has shaped me and the wonderful people that I have met. And then I realize that I have nothing to be afraid of. Every person has different experiences that have shaped their identities and I have mine. No, I have not travelled extensively. But I’m about to. All I can do is offer the best of myself and that’s nothing to feel inadequate about – I should in fact be proud of it.

This coming year will not always be easy – even more so because I will be mostly on my own. And yes, I will feel small and ignorant at times. But I am willing to trip and fall over and over again in order to listen, observe, and learn. If I lose confidence in myself, I will remember that I chose to step outside my bubble and to take part in this exchange. By the end of this journey, I will have left behind new friends and new places I would have once called home. I will be a different person when I come back home to everything and everyone I know and love. So even though I might be scared of such a drastic change, I welcome it with open arms. I will be brave and step outside my bubble. I will get on that plane on my own. I will remember that I am following my dreams and living my passion. And then I will smile with my head held high.

11/26/11

Do I own all this stuff? Or does it own me?

Now that I’m officially in Travel-Packing-Logistics Mode, it’s difficult to look at everything I own. I used to say that I LOVED the idea of just having my passport and a suitcase full of the barest of necessities to set off on an adventure around the world. Pure romanticism, I know. My real feelings are sadly, another story.

Maybe it’s easy for some people, but for me, it’s difficult trying to limit myself to a few handful of tops and bottoms that will last me almost a year abroad. The first half of my exchange is fine: I’ll be stationary in a dorm room up in Norway from January to June. But once July hits, I’ll be essentially living out of a backpack for 4 months. I consider myself to be a pretty light packer when it comes to shorter trips, but I haven’t the faintest idea how to pack for both hot and cold climates, pack light and pack within flight luggage restricts for such a long period of time. It reminds me just how much I’m leaving behind. Which, for the most part, I take to be a good thing.

The decision to leave behind everything I know in my life – everyone I know, my job, my school, my beloved Vancouver – to take my first step in becoming a globetrotter hasn’t been an easy one. I still have mornings when I wake up terrified by the whole ordeal. What this packing challenge presents to me is this decision in the context of my relationship to my possessions. Material goods. Stuff. It’s testing me to figure out for myself just what is most important to me and what doesn’t.

To put it bluntly: what can I live without truly?

In terms of possessions, clothes pose the biggest dilemma for me, actually. I never used to care much for clothes, but in recent years, I’ve become comfortable with dressing myself with confidence – as yet another outlet for my self-identity. This is all fine and dandy, and I am so glad I managed to get over my earlier fear of clothes and self-esteem. But here is an opportunity to test the waters of who I am, stripped (figuratively, of course) of this outlet.

As for other things I could probably do without, but in the context of what I will be doing abroad that I will be bringing with me:

1. Laptop: for school classes in Norway/Tanzania as well as for independent research in the field. If it weren’t for the academic factor, I probably wouldn’t lean towards bringing the hassle that comes with it.

Although the fact that I can stay connected via Skype, Facebook, and blog on my WordPress and Tumblr still is an added plus.

Current plans for an Ultrabook… expensive, but light, powerful, and durable. After much debate with my mom, I’ve decided to go with the security risk.

2. Kindle E-Book Reader: I love reading, but bringing 50 books with me travelling is just not feasible. With the Kindle, I have access to thousands of books in the palm of my hand.

3. Ipod Touch: I need my music! Long hours of transit time will most likely bore me to death.

4. Cell Phone: just a cheap one – nothing fancy. It’s mostly for security measures more than anything else.

What can I say? I like to stay connected, even if I’m on the move. If I’ve learned anything about myself, it’s that these connections are very important to me and it just so happens that technology serves as a convenient means for me to do that. I’ve researched the most light-weight and space-saving ways of doing so because of this. As for toiletries: toothbrush, soap, small brush… maybe a little thing of hand lotion because I get dry skin. For my 4 months out of a backpack at least, I’ll be giving up on cosmetics and hair care (wouldn’t miss ‘em too much anyway).

This packing process is definitely teaching me more about myself. I can’t wait to see how I change once I actually depart.

(I do see the irony in buying packing/travelling gear in this resolve though.)

10/19/11

Always Ask.

It never hurts to. Unless the worst thing you fear is rejection. For someone like me, asking was always a last resort. Asking for help was a sign of weakness. So I bottled emotions up. I kept to myself and didn’t let it show when I was frustrated or upset. I didn’t really let anyone help me. I broke down pretty easily.

Now, I ask. I ask even if it makes me feel stupid or silly for asking. It’s still difficult sometimes, but it’s getting easier.

I’ve found just ASKING makes my life much easier. Things I initially thought I couldn’t get around I’ve found ways to, just by asking. I’ve learned to rely on people. I’ve learned to recognize when I do need help.

I call for help when I’m feeling a breakdown coming along. I vent. I cry. The people who listen pat me on the back and set me straight. I feel lighter after asking for help. The burden lessened. It’s not weak to ask for help – it’s weak not to.

My life has gotten much more complex as the years have gone by, but I’ve overcome the challenges by asking for help when I need it. I’m much happier now.

It never hurts to ask. You’ll be surprised at how many doors open up for you when you do.

10/18/11

Past the road of broken dreams.

As I’m anxiously trying to catch up with my school work, my mom calls me downstairs. She has on her lap a stack of papers – a time capsule of important documents my dad has collected over his lifetime.

My mom hands me my child immunization record – double-sided in English and Korean – something I asked her in preparation for my trip to Tanzania. Measles, Mumps, Hepatitis B, and a entire slew of shots I had as a child came rushing back into my memory. She told me to thank my dad for storing such important documents safely in his office.

College transcripts. Immigration papers. My dad had saved absolutely everything. She showed me the English-Korean manual my dad had created during his time in the army – a tool that many soldiers found very useful during their time there. She laughed and smiled as my dad passed to her all of the national, school, and newspaper awards for excellence in art and poetry as a child. There were a good ten of them. All very large and prestigious. They dated back to the time when he was in preschool and primary school.

I smiled with my mom as I looked through all of these wonderful awards. My dad said that his grandmother had had him submit his art and poetry everywhere as a child but as soon as he had entered grade school, his father – my grandfather – never let him practice his talent. So I as I looked at the papers from my father’s past, I couldn’t help but feel sad. He had never been allowed to pursue his dreams by his father in his youth. Along with that, a variety of other reasons led to my father hating my grandfather.

I always knew my father was smart. He was talented, artistic, witty, and very well versed in the arts. He still is, actually. But he’s now a real estate agent and he’s not ashamed to say he became one for the money. When I look at my dad, and the stack of papers in my mother’s lap, I see a road of broken dreams. I see pain. I see sadness. And I see his perseverance through it all.

I’ve never been on good terms with my father. Although, I don’t believe I was ever as talented as my dad was in his youth, I did inherit his love of writing and the arts. Music and writing are my muses, and as a child, I was allowed to pursue them. I was never encouraged by my father. He never really made my recitals or concerts. He’s never read anything I read. He wasn’t very involved when I was growing up. But he was adamantly against either my brother and I pursuing a degree or career in the arts. Ever since I was a child, I was told nothing but horror stories about the dead ends in the arts. We had fights. I honestly believe that the fighting would have been a lot worse if I had been dead set on arts (which I’m not, fortunately for him).

I could easily hate my father, for not letting me take my life fully in my own hands, much like his father did for him. But I know his past. I know his talents. I know, as I stare at those awards, that my dad grew up to be a broken man. And since I understand that, I can’t hate him. He has his reasons. But that’s all the more reason why I don’t listen to him.

I have hopes. I have dreams and passions that I’m in pursuit of every day. It is my privilege – something I am so very grateful for. So even if my dreams right now aren’t what my dad had in mind, I am pursuing them. Because when I see my dad, I want to prove him wrong. I want him to see that I can make my dreams come true – that I can be successful and happy without sacrificing my passions. I want him to understand my passion and be proud of what I’m doing with my life.

I want him to know that even though he couldn’t pursue his dreams, his daughter is.

10/2/11

A quote for self-inspiration~

I thought up a great little quote to keep in mind for myself. 😀 Here it is!

“Don’t look back on the past to regret the steps you’ve taken. Look back to see how far you’ve come.”

This quote will remind me not to compare my life with others. What experiences I have are just as valuable as anyone else’s. Must not forget that!