Tag Archives: first step

01/24/12

BRB, crying my heart out in front of Gate S-12.

So I’ve arrived in Seattle quite ahead of schedule, with stops to eat and shop at an outlet mall (I needed a folding shoulder bag and found a beautiful one on sale) with my wonderful mother. The last couple of hours we had together calmed me down after the freak-out I had earlier in the morning. I felt good. Excited with butterflies in my tummy.

I was ready and bag check went smoothly, thankfully (hooray for early bird no lines!). But as soon as I turned to say good-bye to my mom in front of the security check, I saw her start to tear up, which triggered my own tears. I smiled and said farewell with lots of hugs, kisses, and tears as I walked towards security. Mom waited on the other side of the rope watching me as I drew farther away from her. Each second a part was painful and I felt like a 5-year-old lost alone in the mall. I couldn’t stop crying – still can’t really. I’m probably going to bawl on the entire plane ride to Iceland. And then to Norway. The full 10 hours. Nearby passengers are going to hate me.

I usually love wandering around on my own, but walking through the airport to find my gate was absolutely terrifying. I became Paranoid Parrot x 10000000000000000% as my brain kept believing that I had forgotten something important – which I hadn’t (at least I don’t think so).

So here I am, killing the 2-hour wait before I board the plane, ingraining the images of farewells and last looks I had with my family only this morning: my brother getting up at 6AM to say goodbye with a hug. My dog curiously watching me close the front door as I left the house. My dad surprising me by hoisting me up into the air for an enormous bear hug and never losing sight of the car as my mom and I drove away from home. My mom’s tear-stained smile as she finished hugging me gently for the third time.

Having a computer with internet access helps. Supportive FB messages and Tumblr replies (and even the cute tweet from my dad) keep me smiling. Yes, this is probably the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to deal with so far in my life. Yes, I am bawling my eyes out. Yes, I still firmly believe that I’m on the right path I’ve chosen for myself. This is it – my first step into the world. I will come back to Vancouver one day, but as of now let me call you… Home.

01/2/12

Hello and Goodbye

It’s the start of a new year, which calls for a moment of reflection of who I am and how far I’ve come – especially with the advent of my departure to Norway drawing closer every day. The fact that I’ve been planning this adventure for over a year and that I’m about to embark on it all on my own in just a couple of weeks is surreal. Classes in Norway. Backpacking through Europe. Field Research in Tanzania. I’m about to leave everything I know behind to explore what is unknown all on my own. The idea is exciting and terrifying at the same time. But if I think about it, anything worthwhile I have ever done or accomplished in my life has felt the same way: exciting and terrifying. This year-long exchange is no different.

When you know that you’re going to be leaving home, you start to appreciate everything that you have so much more. For me, it was a number of things: my favourite pair of shoes, being woken up to my parents chatting downstairs during breakfast, the jingling of my dog’s collar – even my brother’s tendency to tell me interesting facts and tidbits at inconvenient times. Even the routine of transiting to UBC or heading off the work and taking in the soothing smell of pool chlorine seemed all the more precious to me. I started to count ‘lasts’ in the latter months of 2011: last Imagine Day, last day of teaching swimming lessons, last Halloween, last day of classes, last time I’ll see my friends until next year. All of these little things in my ordinary life seemed extraordinary and I realized just how much everyone I’ve met and everything I’ve experienced have shaped me to be the person I am today. And as this person, I will grow to change even more with this new adventure.

I have never left home on my own for so long in my life. Two weeks were the longest I’ve been away just from my family. I feel like nothing more than a coddled child if I had to be perfectly honest. This exchange, if anything, will force me to grow up very quickly. I have had days where I would curl myself up under my bed covers because I was afraid of taking such a big leap out of the comforts of bubble called home. Often I feel like I know nothing and would have nothing to offer when I would have the opportunity to meet and work with people abroad. But then I stop myself to think about what I do know and what I have experienced. I think about the place that has shaped me and the wonderful people that I have met. And then I realize that I have nothing to be afraid of. Every person has different experiences that have shaped their identities and I have mine. No, I have not travelled extensively. But I’m about to. All I can do is offer the best of myself and that’s nothing to feel inadequate about – I should in fact be proud of it.

This coming year will not always be easy – even more so because I will be mostly on my own. And yes, I will feel small and ignorant at times. But I am willing to trip and fall over and over again in order to listen, observe, and learn. If I lose confidence in myself, I will remember that I chose to step outside my bubble and to take part in this exchange. By the end of this journey, I will have left behind new friends and new places I would have once called home. I will be a different person when I come back home to everything and everyone I know and love. So even though I might be scared of such a drastic change, I welcome it with open arms. I will be brave and step outside my bubble. I will get on that plane on my own. I will remember that I am following my dreams and living my passion. And then I will smile with my head held high.