Tag Archives: life

03/7/12

Tuum Est.

In Latin, it can be roughly translated into “It is yours.” The University of British Columbia wears this motto with pride, displaying it publicly on signs and crests wherever possible. For a long time, I haven’t really liked this translation.

“It is yours” makes it seem like everything in the world is mine for the taking – as if I’m entitled to the best of opportunities out there. It takes out the element of hard work required in making those doors open for myself. It’s saying I don’t have to lift a finger to get ahead in life. “It is yours” takes my education and all my good fortune in life for granted.

The truth is: it isn’t “mine” – at least not from the get-go. That’s why I like opting for an alternative translation that seems to better encompass my UBC experience and the way in which I try to live: “It is up to you.” No opportunity is a ring presented to me on a velvet pillow – it is a door to be wrenched open, to prop open with the tip of my toe, as I make my way through life.  Studying at UBC – studying abroad – merely being present in these environments won’t accomplish anything. Such settings provide me new avenues to explore and critical examine and re-evaluate constantly what I want to do with my life.

So tuum est! The world is large and full of as many wonders as horrors. It’s up to me to find a way to experience as many of the former, while critical working towards dealing with the latter. No one is going to make that happen for me.

01/20/12

The Roller-Coaster Effect

I’m freaking out because I don’t feel at all prepared for this exchange. But the point is that I can never be prepared for something like this. I don’t know what it’s going to be like in Norway, or anywhere else I might find myself. I can’t plan out every detail to the T – all I can do is prepare for the worst. But I still feel like I don’t know anything – like a small child being thrust into the deep end of the pool when she doesn’t know how to float yet. When I went shopping today with my mom, I felt even smaller when she would mention important things that I had gone over but had forgotten, or even things that I didn’t even think about. In her spare time, she had read travel blogs and located places where I could cash in traveller’s cheques, etc. and here I was, still unable to quite remember what classes I had listed to take. When I told her how I would pack something, she would point out something I didn’t consider and give a better alternative and all I could do was sheepishly pout. I’m such a child around my mother.

But that’s the whole point of this trip, isn’t it? To leave my comfort zone. To stop being coddled and take care of myself. To take the leap into the deep end of the pool willingly and not drown. That means not knowing what I’m really getting myself into. That means being brave even though I’m exci-terrified. I’m finally taking flight with my own two wings.

I am sitting alone in the first car of a roller-coaster, the heavy clinking of the track chain pulling me up towards the top of the hill. I’m nearly at the top now, and every day that passes is another clink uphill. In four days, I will be at the top of the tracks, about to take the first plunge.

What will await me?

I hold my breath. I don’t know. The truth is, I won’t until gravity pulls me downward. I won’t know until I finish the roller-coaster ride and get off. What I am confident in is the fact that I chose to ride this particular ride and that with every roller-coaster I’ve ridden in my life, I’ve always said at the end:

“Let’s do that again!”

01/15/12

Strength and Love

Without either, I would not be the person I am today. Strength and love are what I have after almost three years of learning to love and rediscover myself every day.

Strength lifted my head high towards the clouds when I felt so alone on the ground. I grow stronger every day. With every obstacle I face, I trip and stand taller than ever – ready for more. And in those moments when I feel as if I’ve lost all my strength – when I have fallen – I have love. I receive such wonderful love and support from my family and friends; I can count on them to give me a helping hand to reach for when I have tripped and can’t get up on my own. They give me my strength. Love is what gets me through each morning as I stand before my bathroom mirror. The lifelong romance I have with myself my most valuable relationship in my life. It is with this self-love in which I build my self-confidence, bravery, and determination in the pursuit of my many passions. It is self-love that returns me back to my roots – my identity – and what I stand for when I feel lost. And through self-love I am constantly rediscovering and reinventing myself. It is through learning how to love myself that I grew to understand and embrace being alone. Self-love taught me strength and it opened me up to embrace the love of those around me so I didn’t have to always be on my own. Truthfully, I am never alone anymore.

This morning, upon waking, I looked out the window up at the winter sky overhead. An endless blue. So full of wonder and at night, so full of stars. The stars dazzle me with the inspirational people I have met and the precious experiences I have thus gathered. These are the things that shown me the beauty of the sky. But it is the expanse of clear day blue – so limitless and serene – that excites me most. I ask myself what is up there waiting for me. I’m almost ready to sprint as I spread my wings for the first time and take off into that beautiful sky, ready for anything to be thrown in my way. After all, with strength and love, I am unstoppable.

10/19/11

Always Ask.

It never hurts to. Unless the worst thing you fear is rejection. For someone like me, asking was always a last resort. Asking for help was a sign of weakness. So I bottled emotions up. I kept to myself and didn’t let it show when I was frustrated or upset. I didn’t really let anyone help me. I broke down pretty easily.

Now, I ask. I ask even if it makes me feel stupid or silly for asking. It’s still difficult sometimes, but it’s getting easier.

I’ve found just ASKING makes my life much easier. Things I initially thought I couldn’t get around I’ve found ways to, just by asking. I’ve learned to rely on people. I’ve learned to recognize when I do need help.

I call for help when I’m feeling a breakdown coming along. I vent. I cry. The people who listen pat me on the back and set me straight. I feel lighter after asking for help. The burden lessened. It’s not weak to ask for help – it’s weak not to.

My life has gotten much more complex as the years have gone by, but I’ve overcome the challenges by asking for help when I need it. I’m much happier now.

It never hurts to ask. You’ll be surprised at how many doors open up for you when you do.

11/26/10

I was made to help others.

The epiphany I had last July about what I wanted (and needed) to do with my life.

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I am a lifeguard. Nine times out of ten, I walk home from work with a smile on my face and a sense of fulfillment coursing through me. I can honestly say that I love my job. I love the people I work with, the facility I help manage, and the pay check I get twice a month. More than anything though, I love to be of service to others and take pride in holding the responsibility for the health and safety of every patron in the pool.  Yes, it involves mostly standing around staring down strangers with a bored gaze. Yes, I have to yell at the odd kid or two again and again. But these minor details don’t sway me as I guard on deck. I think to myself, “Because I’m here, these people can laugh and swim in this pool because they don’t have to worry about hurting themselves. They’re counting on me to keep them safe.”  And then I smile. Responsibility had always looked so good on me.

I explored my addiction for praise in a past essay, concluding that I would live for myself. This still holds true. I find appreciating myself becoming easier with each passing day. But after walking home from work one day, I realized that my natural desire to help others and my love for praise shouldn’t be completely shunned out of my life. Rather, I should utilize this desire to my advantage and work towards a life where I helped others realize their potential as I had my own. The identity crisis of my past teenage years is now behind me and I have emerged from the darkness standing taller than ever. Even if I found myself in a rut again, I would be alright – I know how to deal with my problems now. Having come to terms with myself, for a long time I had wondered, ‘Why shouldn’t everyone be as happy as I am? Why should I keep all of this good fortune to myself?’ So now, it is my turn to answer these questions by lending a helping hand to others.

Like a wise poet once said: “As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.” I have decided that I will take these words to heart – I will live for the growing dream of helping as many people as I can. I’ll study for health of great populations and the rights of those less fortunate than I to have them granted every human right that they so rightly deserve. So that one day, they too can smile believing they’ve made a difference in this large world.

I’ve found a goal – a dream to work for. And I know in my heart that I’m on the right path.