As I mentioned before, I am half Japanese one quarter Trinidadian and one quarter English. I grew up in both Japan and Canada for the first decade of my life. We spent most of the year in a town called Shinmatsudo close to Tokyo in Japan, and spend summers in Courtenay, a small town off the coast of BC (because the summers in Japan are unbearably hot and humid) until I was about eleven. Then we moved to Canada and visited Japan regularly.
For as long as I can remember, my sense of home has always been a little ambiguous. While in Canada, I often felt home sick; I missed Japanese food, language, and culture, however, when I was in Japan for extended periods, I often felt the same way about Canada. I haven’t been back to Japan in over 3 years now and I often have dreams about returning; shopping in Harajuku, visiting my grandparents house, and returning to the house and neighborhood where I grew up .
Although I consider both Japan and Canada to be home, I have realized that in both countries I often feel as if I am a foreigner
Generally in Japan, individuality is discouraged and there are strict guidelines as to what is classified as appropriate. In school, we wore uniforms, and make-up, jewelry, nail polish and hair dying was prohibited. Assimilation was greatly encouraged.
My father is much taller than the average Japanese man so in turn in Japan I was always the tallest in the class and because my mother is half black and half white I inherited her darker complexion, and curly hair which I straightened relentlessly in an attempt to fit in a little more.
Despite my efforts, I stuck out, standing about half a foot taller than everyone else with hair so frizzy it added a couple of more inches. People often referred to me as “Gaijin” which means foreigner or “the black girl”, I look back on this now and find it kind of strange that I was the “black girl”, after all, I am more Japanese than black or white. In Japan, one is Japanese or not; so all mixed-race children are considered foreigners. I guess , to some extent I experienced what is referred to as the one drop rule.
Living in Canada is not much different, almost every person I meet asks me where I am from. I respond with, “Well, I was born here so I am Canadian and I have Japanese citizenship.” Most people are dissatisfied with this answer, wanting to know my ” actual back ground?” and ethnicity rather than where I was born.
And when I moved back to Canada and attended high school in a predominantly white neighborhood, I became “the Asian girl” opposed to “the black girl” I had been asin Japan.
As a child, I experienced some what of an identity crisis, however after (meeting an array of different people from various cultural backgrounds at university, I now feel more comfortable calling myself Japanese or Canadian regardless of what others may think or assume.
References:
Davis, James F. “Who Is Black? One Nation’s Definition.” PBS. PBS, n.d. Web. 01 Feb. 2014.
“Memories of Shin Matsudo – GXR A16.” Six Days in Chiba My Views on Japan, News, Politics and the World. N.p., 5 Apr. 2012. Web. 30 Jan. 2014.
Paterson, Erika. ““ENGL 470 Canadian Studies ;Canadian Literary Genres.”University of British Columbia. UBC Blogs. 2014. Web. Web. 30 Jan. 2014.https://blogs.ubc.ca/engl470/unit-1/lesson-12/
Thank you for your story Maya – it is interesting how much your story reflects on your identity through the lens of “others” — your ethnicity, your nationality. As I read your story I reflect on how much more non-Europeans are questioned about being Canadian, in Canada. If I say I was born in Canada, no one answers me with, “no I mean where do you come from.” Your story is very nicely crafted indeed Maya, thanks again for a thoughtful story.
Hi Maya!
That must’ve been confusing and hurtful to experience as such as small child.
If you were to go back in time, and tell your younger self a good piece if advice regarding confusing and uncertainty as to fitting in, what would you sayÉ
Thanks,
Anna.
Hi Guys!
Now that my notifications for the comments on my blog or off I easily forget to respond to all these great comments! So I apologize for my late responses.
Anna, thanks for your question. As a child it was a little difficult, and if I were to give my younger self advise I would probably tell my self that fitting in is boring, and that no one ever accomplished any thing significant by being the same as every one else.
But Im sure my parent had told me something along the lines of that when I was young, so wether I would have actually taken that advise is another story.