We attended a funeral today, very dear friends of ours lost their mother.
The funeral was difficult for us to attend for a number of reasons. First and foremost, it was hard to see such good friends in so much pain. They adored their mother and she was clearly a bright light in a very incredible family. We both feel such sadness for their loss, she was young and had a lot of life left to live.
It was also difficult as it brought back very painful memories of loved ones we had lost. Boyfriend lost is father very suddenly in 2002 and I lost my grandmother in 2008. Interestingly enough, the funeral was held in the same location that our loved ones’ were so there was a great challenge in just being at the same place. We were both flooded with memories of those days, memories we had pushed aside as part of the normal effort to move forward in life.
I’ve had the day to reflect on what transpired and had some observations.
We found out the news on Friday, through Facebook. The siblings posted a heart-felt message about their mother which, obviously, displayed on our newsfeed. As the message spread through their social network, friends and family began posting condolences through comments on the original message or as independent messages. Our friends continued to share their grief, their memories and their appreciation through Facebook. It gave us an opportunity to feel connected to them and feel like we were there to support them through such an incredibly difficult time. I hope that it also helped them feel connected to us, that we were genuinely there for them and that we cared.
In 2002 Facebook wasn’t around and in 2008 I had just joined it. For both Boyfriend and I, there was no vehicle to share our grief in such a public way. We chatted about this in the car ride home and wondered – if Facebook was around, would we have shared?
His answer was probably not. He tends to be a deeply private person and shares very little of his personal life, even with those close to him. He said that he would have shared information about the funeral and its location but very little else.
My answer was probably yes. I have a large extended family on Facebook and just communications with them would have involved sharing my grandmother’s passing. I am also a more open person about my life and think that I would be more inclined to grieve openly.
So my question then becomes, why do people share their grief on Facebook and other social media outlets?
Time Magazine ran an article in January 2010 discussing this issue. They suggest that social media offers an opportunity to connect in a very physically disconnected world, allowing people to come together and share their condolences even if on the other side of the world. It also enables people to become more open about death and the grieving process which further normalizes the healthy outlet of emotions.
Now a days, it is common to see ‘In Memoriam’ or ‘RIP’ pages on Facebook dedicated to individuals who have died. These pages provide a space for mourners to gather virtually and share their love and memories of the person who is lost. Cynics will say that these efforts are shallow and meaningless but I don’t think so. Seeing the genuine outpouring of love for our friends doesn’t seem artificial to me, I think it has provided them with immense comfort – at least I hope it has.
Ours is a society that shares everything now. Social media has provided us with an outlet for the best and worst in our lives. Many of us now live halfway between the real and digital world. Dan Hooker (@danhooker) provided us with a presentation a couple of weeks ago that used the term ‘liminal space’; an in-between world, both completely real and completely artificial at the same time.
So I think that people share their grief on Facebook simply because they share everything else on there. I don’t think they do it to actively seek any benefit, but I think they do receive it regardless.
It will be interesting to see how social media will continue to both integrate itself within and change our customs and norms. Until then, my heart goes out to my friends and wish them happiness and peace.