Following Through

Over time, dear blogorinos, I have developed a system for dealing with high-stakes emails, which in the world of M.Sc. really means supervisor feedback. It basically goes like this:

1. Begin by expecting the worst.
2. Once the feedback finally reaches my inbox, develop stomach pit.
3. Read quickly, much like ripping off a bandaid.
4. Abandon email, slowly and quietly process, and go back within a day to re-read and thoroughly consider.

Normally this works swimmingly. It allows me to “get over” the fact that yes, there is feedback in the email (why isn’t my work just perfect already!?), then move on to appreciate it and develop an action plan.

This week, the plan didn’t go quite as swimmingly as usual. On the Thursday before Easter Long Weekend, I had a (self-imposed) deadline to tie up all the loose ends on what I had recently been working on and send my supervisor all of it before I went on a glorious weekend trip (which left me very refreshed, I’ll have you know!). I did just that – sent her 4 files with a detailed list of all the things I had done since I sent her a file one month before this.

Yesterday – one week later – I received a response. Here is what I got out of my “quick read”/item # 3 of my high-stakes email response system. Keep in mind I’m still under the influence of items 1 & 2.

Hey Rebecca

I’ve gone through all your files. You did a lot of work, but you still have tons more to do, sucker! It will take you forever.

I edited everything. In the 2nd Chapter, the one I didn’t know you were working on, there are multiple times I don’t understand what you are talking about. Good job. This needs work. That needs work. This and that need work.

You may recall I said I wanted frequent updates during my sabbatical. Now I never want to hear from you again until your whole thesis is written! Ha!

You may also recall you wrote a detailed list outlining all of your progress and choices. Well, I don’t! I didn’t read that list, which I will now prove to you with a number of statements pointing out, with incredulity, the things that are already carefully explained in my inbox! O, if only I were to read it!

Sincerely,

Jailkeeper

Before we proceed – let me emphasize again where I was in the mental realm. Not only did I want her to edit a large chunk of my thesis (well, the largest chunk I’ve produced yet), some of which she didn’t quite know was coming, I had requested to Skype and discuss defence dates. It was most definitely a “high stakes email” – one that would help me figure out when I can finish my degree. So I most definitely had a pit in my stomach before reading it, and I most definitely read it pessimistically. My “paraphrasing” above is in no way representative of how my supervisor writes or would speak to another individual – not even close – let me remind you I adore her. Simply, her email was disappointing as it did not touch on Skyping nor determining a freedom date and rather pithily pointed out all the weaker aspects (amongst a sea of 1000s of words of new material) which I believe I already explained/described my plan to tackle them. My pessimistic attitude took her response and, during item #4 of my high-stakes email response system, convinced me that what I had read in her response is what is written above. Ah, the mental health of a M.Sc.!

So that’s how it sat with me for half a day. I first read her email sitting in my comfys, just out of bed around 6:30AM, and unsurprisingly felt bummed out afterwards. Luckily and unluckily, I had to mark like crazy, so although I didn’t have time to dwell, it allowed me to avoid a subsequent re-reading of the email. Finally in the afternoon I got to it again, re-read it, and then I opened the edited files. This was something I neglected to do in the morning.

The feedback? There was barely any editing. It was totally manageable. The chapter she didn’t know I started working on was largely unedited. Given how thorough her editing always is, I am going to cut myself a break on this one and believe that this is a good sign, not a bad one. My response to this new development was basically polar opposite to my reaction of her email: I laughed.

Though her email still reads a little more pithily than usual, it is balanced by good support of my writing efforts. Could it be possible she doesn’t want to edit as frequently because she trusts my writing skills? Oh wait, hasn’t she told me I’m a good writer, multiple times? Could it be that there were only 2-3 sentences in my surprise chapter’s methods that confused her? Could it be she’s confused about some things because we did those experiments over 2 years ago and as a 2-month-in graduate student at the time, I didn’t quite have a handle on exactly what was happening? Hang on a second, didn’t I want her feedback on those points to begin with, to clarify what we did back then?

And so, I have learned the flaws of my system. Firstly, I should probably cheer up chum. I am well aware I need to work on pessimism and this experience was definitely a case in point. In addition, while it is nice to give myself time to process important developments, it really only works if I understand what has actually developed. Not just an email I’m dreading to read, but the actual feedback that will propel me into the future.

Sigh. It’s friday. It’s sunny. I’m going to a play tonight. I’ll get through this…eventually…sucker.