Reflecting on 2011: The end of the M.Sc.

As promised, I want to tell the story of what happened when I fell off the face of the earth last July. The 2nd half of 2011 will be told in three parts…the first of which, below, details the end of my M.Sc.

Late summer and early fall 2011 were some extremely intense months. Things happened quickly in terms of calendar dates, and yet they happened after many, many hours of work. With the return of my supervisor, she and I lost no time in kicking both of our asses to propel me to the finish line.

My memories of this time are much of a blur, but in the final weeks of my degree, life essentially went like this : I would wake up at around 10AM and would go sit at my dining space table – which “fondly” became known as “the pit of hell” – and worked until about 4AM. A good night was getting to bed at 1:30AM. My reward of going to bed was marked by having finished another round of editing of one or more thesis chapters and forwarding it to my supervisor. I’d work on my thesis while she was sleeping, and she in turn would do the reverse as she typically gets up around the time I went to bed during this period. She’d review my work within a few hours and by the time I got up the next day, I’d have new changes to make, and the cycle kept on going.

This process was very difficult and exhausting for both of us, but these many hours of work ultimately led to defending in mid-October. The night before and morning of my defense was the most nervous, anxious, and sick I think I’ve ever felt. I very clearly remember saying to Warren, “I don’t want to do this”, my tone pleading with him to do …something, anything… to make me feel less terrible about it. Luckily, time worked in my favour and kept moving. I passed my defense with six weeks of thesis corrections, and spent those six weeks getting the sleep my body told me I needed (LOTS), succumbing to a number of illnesses/colds I had been suppressing with the stress of thesis writing and defending, and officially completing my M.Sc.

Many aspects of my state-of-mind have changed since my defense. The first became apparent almost immediately after my degree was finished. After I finally, officially completed my M.Sc., I headed to Hawaii with my parents. While I was looking forward to going very much, I felt completely stressed out upon arrival. After about a day of silently dealing with this, I confessed to my parents that I was feeling very anxious and couldn’t explain why. They reassured me me to try to relax and it would pass…and after about 3 days in Hawaii, my normal state of being had come down out of the red zone and into a much more relaxed state. It was some pretty clear evidence of the stress I had been dealing with for months (years?)… my baseline emotional level was one of anxiety, even with no reason at all to feel that way. Hawaii was a wonderful opportunity to let myself achieve some balance and work on my well-being…and boy, did I let myself relax during that much-needed vacation!

Second, the constant guilt I felt as a grad student has passed. I wasn’t sure it was ever going to go away, and I am so grateful it has. The only residual of this nasty baggage has been the guilt I still feel about working my supervisor to the bone in the fall. Our relationship is still great (and was throughout the whole process of writing and defending); moreover, I think we both feel the amount of work was worth it…but I wish finishing my M.Sc. had been an easier process than it was on both of us.

Finally, I’ve started gain some self-confidence. The years I spent working on my Masters coincided with the lowest self-confidence I’ve ever had. I think this had a lot to do with my typical grad student guilt, and also the fact that the first 1.5-ish years of my M.Sc. was a very lonely time. Once the degree was done, I made a goal to actively work at building my confidence back up. Having new responsibilities associated with my new jobs, making time to be more active, and devoting time to activities and hobbies that I enjoy have made me feel so much more balanced, happy, and…confident.

Nearly 5 months since my defense, I am feeling so much better than I had in a long, long time. I still can’t believe I’m a “master”. My convocation will happen in late May, and I wonder if receiving my diploma will be the ticket I need to finally prove to myself I did it. It’s amazing…I was just discussing the impostor complex with a friend this past weekend. Not only did I not feel worthy of being a grad student during my degree, but I’m still in disbelief I accomplished it months later.  All in all, it was a 3-year challenge and an extremely valuable one at that. I’m afraid reading this blog post alone might have the potential to scare off folks considering grad school…but this describes simply one person’s (my) experience. The three years I spent as a graduate student at UBC wasn’t just grad school, it was moving far from home, tackling a new field, an exercise in loneliness and self-confidence, a balancing act of passions, a long distance relationship, staying out-of-touch with my closest girlfriends, and who knows what else. It was schooling in every aspect of my life.

Being on the other end of the experience, life is sweeter and simply filled with joy.