Goodbye June

Hi all,

Damn, I suck a blogging. Currently, I’m sitting in an internet-less café (How Dare It) and am typing this up in Word because the tingling I-should-blog feeling I’ve had for the past 3 days has finally turned into a full-blown mood, and a blogging mood should not be wasted. [note: posted 2 hrs later]

There have been so many times in the past 2 months that I’ve wanted to write a blog but it’s either a bad idea (I’m angry) or I have emotions that I don’t know how to describe in any way that isn’t completely emo, and there are enough youtube and tumblr accounts for that as it is. And so I have stayed away, even though I have had the best of intentions, and loved you very much just the same, blog!

So as I may or may not have made clear in the previous paragraph, the past couple of months have been quite … rollercoaster-y.

I have been VERY emotional. Some days I feel like I’m 4 feet away from the summit of completing this degree. Other days I feel like I’m at the bottom of a mountain I’m not equipped to climb. Other days I shift between these two feelings minute-by-minute. It is fucking exhausting.

My poor dear boyfriend has dealt with a lot of crying outbreaks – for example: I’m*sob* sorry*sob* I’m*sob* crying*sob* again*sob* but*sob* that*sob* commercial*sob* made*sob* me*sob* so*sob* sad*sob* – WHAT IF WE DIE TOMORROW*sooooooobbbb*
…you know, the completely irrational. He just went to visit home for his 2-month summer break (he’s a highschool teacher) and while I miss him, I feel like it’s probably better for his sanity and for my productivity. We’ve also done a 2-year long distance stint so we’ll pwn this short break anyway.
Unfortunately, I’ve started to put a lot of pressure on myself to *be normal again* after I finish my degree, so that the poor dude doesn’t have to deal with this emotional overdrive forever. This pressure is already stressing me out. Do I even know what my normalcy is? Does HE? We started dating only 5 months before I started this degree…it could be my defining feature. Screw.

So I cry and I work and I avoid work. Those are essentially my 3 states. I get lots of sleep, but not too much, I go through moods of eating really well and eating really unwell, I don’t work out much anymore but it’s because I feel like there is no time, not because I don’t want to exactly. I’ve been finding working off-campus to be most useful, I’ve made my morning home in a new (to me) coffee shop, and for 2 days I had a glorious time working in a library that is a 1-hour drive from Vancouver when I accompanied boyfriend to his town-of-work. I also almost-always have some sort of hobby on the go for sanity: in the past 2 months it’s basically been either knitting at night or subbing on a friend’s softball team. Sometimes I forgo the hobbies and work like a boss all day. Hobbying is admittedly more common when dinnertime rolls around.

This past month I had some interesting interactions with my supervisor. She’s given me lots of help with anything and everything I ask, but the tone of her emails is reminiscent of the one I “paraphrased” months ago. It doesn’t help, but I’ve been rather guns-a-blazing with her a bit recently so we’ll call it even.
On the flipside, despite enduring my blaze, she has graciously expressed willingness to work with me in the (near) future, post-degree. Whether or not she’s just being professional I can only wonder, but I appreciate her supporting my future endeavours either way.

So I guess that’s it for now. Over time, I have been given a couple very lovely complements that this blog is great at documenting “what being a grad student is like” and I even had a good friend say “I wish new grad students would read this”. While that is probably a little too generous a compliment, it did prompt me to try and take on the goal of really documenting what the hell this ride is like. Unfortunately the “mood” I’ve been in for the past 2 months has been poorly documented as it is usually comes hand-in-hand with lethargy.

I’ll try to do better, although I resolve to never blog angry. And I hope that sometime soon I might have good news to share….

-Rebecca