On Stubbornness and Movement

How many times do I need to prove to myself that remaining active is pivotal to my general outlook!? Sigh!

The last few weeks, as mentioned in my eeyoreish previous post, has been void of activity. I justified this with the “not enough time” excuse, a very versatile excuse if I do say so myself, but a valid one at that for many of its applications. A couple of days leading up to my birthday (yesterday), I had the idea to really make it a good one by starting to run again, as I had been feeling like a goopy stick of butter as a result of nonactivity. Because I was CLEARLY taking the day off (no question) I would have the time to be active, and because my wonderful momma is visiting, I have more time even after I get back to work post-birthday, as she is graciously grocery shopping and cooking while she is here.

So I ran and I showered (brilliant combination), and had a nice little birthday. Today, I feel amazing. I feel like I can accomplish whatever I want, I feel pleasant in general, and most profoundly, I am telling myself “it’s okay” about the number one stressor that’s rolling around in my brain at the moment. You see, back at Christmastime I told my friends and family that I will not be returning to Ontario until my M.Sc. is submitted and done. This has been a goal that I have stuck to throughout the year, one I have been excited to keep as if my return to Ontario will be glorious, fraught with confetti, accolades, and celebrations galore…except my friends’ wedding in early August is really throwing a wrench in this declaration and subsequent daydreaming of an epic return. I have been very conflicted about going home pre-defense for a few reasons, mainly because A. I don’t want to go home for a week and risk losing my momentum and B. I said I wouldn’t. And this second reason, totally fucking arbitrary, is much more painful to think about!

I think because of my tiny run yesterday, I am feeling a lot better about this stressor. Who the heck cares if I’m not done when I visit home? If I weren’t within defense-time, I would absolutely go to the wedding. I want to go. It’s just this nagging feeling deep in my body that I failed at meeting this “goal”.

Every day I debate what to do and I usually switch my answer every other day. To be honest, because I am having trouble getting contact lenses as I haven’t had an optometrist appointment in over a year, and because my health card just expired yesterday, I will most likely be going home in August to attend the wedding and take care of these important chores/whathaveyous – or at least that is how I have been feeling in the last 36 hours. What I haven’t yet decided is whether I’m going to make it a 5 day trip and visit with almost no one (more likely and very rude) or make it 8 days and go hide out in my cottage for a productivity-inspiring change of scenery and still visit with almost no one (less likely and more rude). I think the more time I spend in Ontario, the more likely I am to treat it as a holiday and I don’t actually want that right now.  And the more time I stay in Ontario as a hermit, the more rude I am to all my friends and family I really want to see – it’s just this damn momentum I want to preserve! I think the solution is to book my ticket to Ontario, and wait to book my ticket back until I am I know how much I have accomplished and how much time I can afford to spend away, as there are textbooks and ancient desktop computers with necessary software that I cannot transport with me. And I think I shall book my ticket home tomorrow, so that I can end this endless debate.

All in all, I believe this stress has been assuaged by the world’s shortest run. I have learned once again the value of activity. I mean, I was a couch potato for probably 20 years or more, so I’ll give myself a few more years to hammer this lesson home, guilt-free. But it is insane how much difference this stuff makes.