How many times do I need to prove to myself that remaining active is pivotal to my general outlook!? Sigh!

The last few weeks, as mentioned in my eeyoreish previous post, has been void of activity. I justified this with the “not enough time” excuse, a very versatile excuse if I do say so myself, but a valid one at that for many of its applications. A couple of days leading up to my birthday (yesterday), I had the idea to really make it a good one by starting to run again, as I had been feeling like a goopy stick of butter as a result of nonactivity. Because I was CLEARLY taking the day off (no question) I would have the time to be active, and because my wonderful momma is visiting, I have more time even after I get back to work post-birthday, as she is graciously grocery shopping and cooking while she is here.

So I ran and I showered (brilliant combination), and had a nice little birthday. Today, I feel amazing. I feel like I can accomplish whatever I want, I feel pleasant in general, and most profoundly, I am telling myself “it’s okay” about the number one stressor that’s rolling around in my brain at the moment. You see, back at Christmastime I told my friends and family that I will not be returning to Ontario until my M.Sc. is submitted and done. This has been a goal that I have stuck to throughout the year, one I have been excited to keep as if my return to Ontario will be glorious, fraught with confetti, accolades, and celebrations galore…except my friends’ wedding in early August is really throwing a wrench in this declaration and subsequent daydreaming of an epic return. I have been very conflicted about going home pre-defense for a few reasons, mainly because A. I don’t want to go home for a week and risk losing my momentum and B. I said I wouldn’t. And this second reason, totally fucking arbitrary, is much more painful to think about!

I think because of my tiny run yesterday, I am feeling a lot better about this stressor. Who the heck cares if I’m not done when I visit home? If I weren’t within defense-time, I would absolutely go to the wedding. I want to go. It’s just this nagging feeling deep in my body that I failed at meeting this “goal”.

Every day I debate what to do and I usually switch my answer every other day. To be honest, because I am having trouble getting contact lenses as I haven’t had an optometrist appointment in over a year, and because my health card just expired yesterday, I will most likely be going home in August to attend the wedding and take care of these important chores/whathaveyous – or at least that is how I have been feeling in the last 36 hours. What I haven’t yet decided is whether I’m going to make it a 5 day trip and visit with almost no one (more likely and very rude) or make it 8 days and go hide out in my cottage for a productivity-inspiring change of scenery and still visit with almost no one (less likely and more rude). I think the more time I spend in Ontario, the more likely I am to treat it as a holiday and I don’t actually want that right now.  And the more time I stay in Ontario as a hermit, the more rude I am to all my friends and family I really want to see – it’s just this damn momentum I want to preserve! I think the solution is to book my ticket to Ontario, and wait to book my ticket back until I am I know how much I have accomplished and how much time I can afford to spend away, as there are textbooks and ancient desktop computers with necessary software that I cannot transport with me. And I think I shall book my ticket home tomorrow, so that I can end this endless debate.

All in all, I believe this stress has been assuaged by the world’s shortest run. I have learned once again the value of activity. I mean, I was a couch potato for probably 20 years or more, so I’ll give myself a few more years to hammer this lesson home, guilt-free. But it is insane how much difference this stuff makes.

Over the holidays, I visited home in Ontario and visited my partner’s family in England. Both visits were absolutely wonderful! Being home definitely let me daydream about the future (consult previous post). Though I love my hometown and that marvelous feeling of home in my core, I was very happy to get back to my current home in Vancouver. It’s nice to have my clothes hanging up and fresh laundry when I want it, use my own fridge and kitchen, and bake bread! Yum yum.

While in Ontario, I had the opportunity to give a short re-read to one of the more inspiring books I’ve read in the past couple years, Me to We by Craig and Marc Kielburger. I didn’t go through it all, but in the short bit I covered, I came across a line that really struck me, which goes something like this:

It doesn’t matter as much whether you reach your goals, as long as you have the right ones.

Let’s emphasize less the first part of the sentence, because what resonated with me is having the right goals. This sentence can justify countless graduating class’ yearbook goals to “save the world”, “help the environment” and so on. It’s so true that having a positive attitude and having positive goals can be the driving force in motivating what you do.

Ignoring now my previous post about thinking too far ahead, I have imagined a combined To Do + Goals list detailing the direction I wish my life to take in the next 5 years (justified by the excerpt above). Really it’s a wish list, and I would be so lucky to acheive or touch any of these goals. I realize that life can change in a split second, but it’s fun to plan. Potentially the “funnest” part of this list? I have recently added a goal which is to be on the television show PICK A PUPPY in the next few years. I honestly don’t care about being on television, in fact I know that I would start speaking gibberish as soon as there were any cameras, the goal is that I want to play with various puppies in order to pick the perfect on to fit in my family!

….I caught 10 minutes of that show the other day and I think it would be the best fun. I’m aiming high, people!

Happy New Year everyone!

I am currently sitting at my desk which is covered in plants, a family pictures calendar, countless paper(s) to my right, and wet socks on my left. Oh, and one stress “ball” that looks like a brown bear, which I have just named Beary (for the sake of this blog). I’m also bopping my head around to the sound of the ska tunes that defined my high school years.

In the past few weeks, I’ve identified an academic focusing problem. What I do is put a lot of time and energy into planning what’s next and how to get there and thinking all too often about what I really really really want to do next! Then I look around and realize my thesis is yet to be completed and my plants need watering. I am thinking about the future and planning for it, but have not been as passionate about the present for a while now.

As I said, I recognized this in the past month or so, but as I sit at this lively desk, I have just realized that I also have this problem in the personal aspect of my life.

This morning, I read a friend’s blog in which she discussed how she does not believe in New Year’s Resolutions because any time is a good time to change your life. I totally agree. However, she wrote something right after this that totally struck me. She asked why do people plan to do things on January first and ignore their lives in the present until the next January first rolls around? Do it now. Live your life!

After reading this wise statement, guilt crept in: I have recently been daydreaming about the next steps in my relationships (and I’ll admit it, I bookmarked a baby blanket knitting pattern or two), figuring out where I will live when I live in the “real house of my adult life” and how fun it will be etc., etc.

Wait a second – I live in a wonderful apartment. With my partner. In an amazing city. Let’s pull the daydream reigns in…what’s wrong with right now?

Nothing. It is now my goal, my “new year’s resolution” if you will, to not make “new year’s resolutions”. Live in the present, not in the future. I’ll keep planning, but I’ll focus and enjoy right now to the fullest instead.